AIBU to dislike my MIL?

[BonnyBarbara]

I've been with my partner over 5 years now and I feel I have tried very very hard with his family. I like his dad and have no issue with him, he's always friendly, always talks to me, always the same.

His mum is a totally different story. First of all she has nothing positive to say about her other DIL whom we shall call the Princess. She's been married into the family for about 8 years and is by all accounts (and what I have witnessed) very high maintenance, a proper princess. MIL has called her everything from a pig to a dog (in front of me, which makes me very uncomfortable) and yet to her face it's a different story. In fact when they are together you can only see MIL's shoes hanging out of Princess's backside as she is so far up it. Princess doesn't speak to me much anyway but when MIL and Princess are together, I am pretty much ignored. Even worse when my partner's sister is there. It makes me feel like I am back at school again being excluded. It's painful.

Now the two-facedness of my MIL wouldn't bother me much as she is a bit of a sad gossipy woman and I realise she wants to be on friendly terms with Princess for the sake of seeing her two grandchildren but there's some other things that MIL has done....

Specifically; "forgotten" my birthday two years in a row. Birthday before that "forgot" my name (I kid you not) so I received a birthday card in the post addressed to just my shortened name and minus my surname, hasn't been to my and my partner's house in 4, yes FOUR years - even though we live 50 miles closer to her than she does the Princess (who she sees regularly; I understand there's kids involved), sees my partner when he drops by after work, but I have never been invited for dinner, will pay me a compliment along the lines of "You look nice. For your size", there are loads of little examples.

Basically it's starting to affect my relationship with my other half. In the whole time we have been together there has only been two family meals that we have been invited to. I couldn't attend one due to work commitments and the other one I did - which was okay until I went to sit down next to MIL in the restaurant and she put her handbag on the seat just as I moved to sit next to her.

Now my partner says his family have never really made much of an effort in visiting him or inviting him to stuff, which I accept to a degree but I know (thanks to Facebook) that MIL used to hang out of partner's ex's bum hole too! Meals out, cinema, theatre, all tagged in together on old FB posts.

My partner knows how I feel. He did used to make excuses for his mum "Oh she didn't mean it like that" but some recent events have made him say to me "I used to think she was just thoughtless but some of the things she's done does look malicious" and I have begged him to tell me if she doesn't like me. I don't want him to not have a relationship with her, it's his mum, I have no right to demand that but I have said to him that this has upset me a lot (as I have really tried with her, used to text her, invite her out, suggest family meals etc, invited her to meet my family - all refused with cr ap excuses) and I kind of want an answer:

Does she like me? If not, what's the problem? If I can rectify it, I'll try. If not, the family can fuck off and he can see his mum and family without me, I won't be at family occasions and funerals etc anymore.

I think the not knowing where I stand or what I have done is the worst part for me. I really wish she would have a pop at me and then we can sort it or never have to make the effort with each other again.

I agree with Jakesmum rise above it,highlight her bad behaviour but be nice about it, if she puts a bag down on the seat when you go to sit down say in a nice clear voice " Oh I'm sorry are you keeping that seat for someone?" With things like the wine "Thats a great idea this is plenty for me" if she thinks its not annoying you she might just give up with the nastiness . If the women are cutting you out talk to the men, sunbathe, read a book you won't need them to enjoy yourself if you just keep telling yourself they're not worth the effort you might start to believe it and realise you dont need their approval.

Oh god, I wouldn't go on the holiday, your partner didn't even want to! Who cares if they say it's your fault? You've said you won't have any more to do with her.

Don't be a bloody martyr.

I think you'll probably end up going on the holiday, so make sure to make your own plans to spend the time alone and leave each morning with a chirpy farewell. It will drive them mad that you're not bothered by their exclusion!

She’s clearly making you miserable. Time to call it a day and let DH visit them on his own.

You agreed to go on holiday to appease people who treat you like crap. Why is your self-esteem so low?

I know (thanks to Facebook) that MIL used to hang out of partner's ex's bum hole too! Meals out, cinema, theatre, all tagged in together on old FB posts.

You do know that people can spend time with people because they want to and it’s not about ‘being up someone’s bumhole’?

Your perspective is getting skewed. Just sack then all off OP.

Why did you agree to holiday with these people who don't like you and whom you despise?

I am considering not going on the holiday because it's going to go one of two ways: it'll be crap for me (although me and DP will be booking accommodation away from them and will make plans) or she will overplay her hand and show that she is being deliberately malicious.

I appreciate what everyone is saying but it's my DP's family and we do a lot with my family (well a normal amount of family events with my normal and welcoming family) so I agreed to go to be fair to him. She also slags off the Princess for the amount of time Princess and BIL spend with Princess's family. And this is what I am saying about being up ppl's arses. She's absolutely caustic about the Princess behind her back yet when they are together they are acting like best mates.

So as I said, I am debating whether to cancel or not. I do think it would be great if she can't help herself and does something overtly bitchy because then that can be addressed by DP. But then I am feeling quite fragile at the moment (following a recent horrendous family do that even DP commented on how bad the atmosphere was when we go home) so why should I put myself through it?

I hope this situation improves soon op. I've had a thought- does she prioritise and favour the son with children over the son without? It may not be as personal to you than you think. You're just currently less important to her than the Princess, as she's probably one of those Grandparents that's a little bit selfish and suffocating? You currently don't have your "uses".

I.e. the Grandkids are her possessions.

So she makes unkind comments to you and doesn't say yes to any invites?

From what you've said you're right, she doesn't like you. And that's fine because you don't like her either. It's fine in that situation to do the essential family visiting like birthdays and Xmas but no more than that if you don't want to.

But...it sounds as if your self esteem is quite low, do you think you're seeing everything with a bit of a negative filter at the moment?

You say it was you that encouraged your DH to go against his will, then you say you only agreed because she'd butch otherwise.

TBH you should've take OHs lead and not agreed to go, you're looking for issues and she'll provide them. Take a step back and just see them her when you must. You don't have to spend holiday time with her.

You're overthinking it op. You should be pleased that MIL and SIL are up each other's backsides as that gives you some breathing room. Use the time to have some space and stop caring so much what they think. Do your own thing and be independent of the group of bitchy women when you're away. If they can see you don't care, they'll probably start showing some interest in you tbh. Sounds like they've been trying to get to you, and they're winning. Rise above it op.

I think it is a lot to do with the grandkids certainly but my DP feels a bit upset that she doesn't bother much with him (unless he goes up to see her, which I told him to cool off cos she is manipulating him, saying she misses him and then when he goes round she has a job for him to do) and last time we went round together she had photos in frames of everyone (including DP's sister's fairly new partner!!) except my DP and myself - not that I want her to have a photo of me at all, I was hurt for my DP.

I don't think I've got low self-esteem. Everything is going pretty well in life at the moment, I have a good job that I am well thought of in, DP is doing well etc. I think I've just had 5 years of this (well to be fair she was nice to begin with so it's probably 3-4 years) and I am sick of it after the last family occasion, I felt humiliated. They were like the Witches of Eastwick.

DP and I argued a little after that although he has started to tell me some of the things she has said to him that has pissed him off (not about me, he maintains).

I am just conscious that I don't want our relationship to be negatively affected by her. I did say to him that she could go fuck herself as far as I am concerned and that felt pretty bad about it. It's his mum when all is said and done. How do you deal with his mum when she is pretty negative, nasty, manipulative?

@cabcab I would have followed his lead if I thought he was going to make sure she knew it was him who didn't want to go and not me. But he doesn't always stand his ground with her. He backs down when she's starts getting a bit drama. I've had all these conversations with him about him manning up and needing to be firm with her. It's a work in progress.

@BonnyBarbara but why are you bothered if she thinks it's you? Who cares? Although your DH sounds pathetic in not standing up to his mother.

Honestly I think you're really over-complicating it by caring what she thinks.

And telling your DH he should be 'manning up' is a horrible thing to say. That phrase is awful.

Look if you don't like his family and they don't like you, then pull back.

If you don't want it to affect you & DH then stop slagging off his mum to him; stop comparing his family to your 'perfect welcoming' family and when invitations do come your way, politely decline them. Don't make it a big 'thing' and support your DH by going to the necessary birthday/Xmas meet ups.

You need to step back from this mentally and accept that she isn't what you would like her to be.

It is cliche but you cannot control who likes you, you can only control how you react to it. I've been there (different family relationship scenario although strikingly similar such as photos of everyone but us...) and I just couldn't understand why we couldn't have a relationship that was friendly and pleasant.

Then I watched her behaviour about others, talking about them, being unkind and realised first of all why would I want to be part of that and second of all that I couldn't control it anyway so I stood back and observed it and would suggest that you do the same.

I still go to family gatherings where she is there and I smile and wave like the Penguins of Madagascar. It honestly doesn't bother me anymore.

Also hide all forms of social media about them for your own sanity.

Why not do things alone when your DP is with his father? Go to the beach or sit in the sun with a book or go shopping. Sit away from the women if you happen to dine together. You choose your reaction.

From your description it’s obvious she doesn’t like you so be polite but distant. Your DP can’t complain if you’re polite, even if distant.

Once home, tell DP you’re done trying. You gave it five years, and you’re through. His visits may actually be more pleasant for him without you.

I agree with most of the responses here. I went very low contact with my mother in law very soon in to mine and my partners relationship. That was over twenty years ago and I still only see her at most a couple of times a year. We are superficially polite and that is as far as it goes. She and the vile father in law only live about a mile from us. I have no anxiety whatsoever about why she doesnt like me. It isnt my problem and shes horrible about everyone so the issues are hers, not mine. I have to say making the decision all those years ago to not have the toxic bitch in my life has been liberating. In terms of my family, my partner loves them and they love him. My response to that is that my family are lovely people who treat him with respect and his are not, full stop. I can't change that but nor should I tolerate his family just because they share DNA. Give yourself a break and take a stand. Stop allowing them opportunities to treat you badly and for goodness sake do not go on that holiday, unless of course you are a masochist.

I'm not sure why you're so hell bent on getting MIL to like you: she never will. And that's not to say you've 'done something' wrong … she sounds like the sort of person who doesn't really need a reason. The fact that she bitches about her other DIL tells you all you need to know. Cancel the holiday and take a massive step back. I have had issues with my MIL for over 10 years, and it finally exploded recently. She shouted, she called me names, she stormed off (eventually - couldn't bloody well get rid of her) and it's bliss. No more making an effort with a woman who clearly doesn't give a shit. And she forgot my birthday several years in a row, too. Believe me, you will be much happier away from this woman.

Treat her exactly like she treats you. If she ignores you, ignore her. If she belittles you then you loudly ask her to repeat what she said and explain it for you.
Just engage with your fil only.

Shes only doing this because shes getting away with it. Pull her up on it, and humiliate her in public when she pulls her stunts.

Sounds like petty behaviour but I would give her so good as shes dishing it out.

She sounds like a pain, but I do think you are also looking for slights and are very status-conscious — you seem to keep comparing yourself to your partner’s ex, and the woman you (bitchily) call the Princess in terms of how much your MIL appreciates/d them — you use the expression “crawled up X’s bumhole” or equivalent about both, like it’s toadying on your MIL’s part, not liking.

I couldn’t get excited about birthday cards, and why is this and the lack of invitations, your MIL’s responsibility, if you like and get on well with your FIL? Has he no part in these things?

The way you talk about the Princess and your SIL, as well as your MIL, suggests you are casting them as the Mean Girls excluding you. It sounds like you are amplifying things unnecessarily. Your ILs live a long way away and aren’t close to your partner, so surely it’s not a big deal?

So many bumholes arseholes and backsides!!!! But seriously it sounds like your better off out of it all. Dont go on holiday blame work if you need to. Go low contact. Let your partner visit alone. Unblock on social media and see how that goes

and why is this and the lack of invitations, your MIL’s responsibility, if you like and get on well with your FIL? Has he no part in these things?

Probably because MIL does all the inviting. Her type won't allow anyone else to do it, because then she wouldn't have as much control over who comes.

She sounds like one of these MIL who doesn't think any woman is good enough for her sons. It's not you, it's her. Go as low contact as you can and put her out of your mind.

If you have separate accommodation booked then go on the holiday. Insist your DP spends an equal amount of time doing things with you as he does with his DF. On the days he's doing something with his DF, spend the time doing what you want - lazing by the pool, reading, visiting the town etc. Surely you only have to meet up with his family if you go out for meals, and you'll have DP with you then. There's no obligation to join them on excursions if you don't want to. If they invite you to go out with them, politely decline, you don't have to give a reason.

Are you planning on having DCs with your DP one day? It would be interesting to see whether his DM then hung out your bum hole changed her tune if there were DGCs she'd want to see.

I’d try to look at it as a blessing that you at least have an honest relationship. She doesn’t like you, you don’t like her, and that’s fine. Of course a grown woman should I have learned to at least be civil to people she doesn’t like (especially people married to her sons!) but she’s obviously not very bright. Still better than the falseness with your SIL to my mind though. You have the option to just drop the whole thing and leave your DH to it. SIL is wasting energy on someone who clearly despises her. Sad.