Who is BU? I'm not sure. Sorry it's long.

[acomingin]

A couple of recent threads have reminded me of a situation that has been rumbling in our extended family for some time and looks likely to blow up again.
#Names changed

Mike and Jane were in a relationship. Bought a house together had a DD. Sadly broke up after a few years. Mike paid towards the mortgage and CM well over the required level. He rented a flat and had DD to stay as often as possible. Jane remained a SAHM for several years.

Mike was in a dreadful car accident 10 years ago and was very badly injured. He has been unable to work since and is still having corrective operations, although day to day he manages quite well but is in pain a lot. Eventually he was awarded considerable compensation and he paid off the mortgage and gave the house to Jane. He bought himself a house and he shared custody of DD, while also contributing CM from the remaining compensation.

Five years ago he met and married Tina. Tina also had one DC from her previous marriage. She and her ex shared custody, no money paid by either as both earn substantial salaries. All expenses for school etc shared. Tina and Mike now have a 1 year old.

While Tina was pregnant they sold Mike's house and bought a new, bigger one with room for everyone. Tina is back at work now and the baby is in nursery half time as Mike's injuries mean he struggles to care for her full time. His savings from the compensation are almost gone, apart from a pension fund, which was part of the settlement as it was conceded he'd be unlikely to be able to work full time again. He warned Jane that the money was nearly gone and he wouldn't be paying CM any more, especially as DD is at his house more than her mother's. His DD is nearly 16 and he wants to save what's left to help her through university, paid directly to her.

Jane hates her job and wants to give it up but will have nothing to live on because she hasn't saved any money from the maintenance paid over the years or from her wages. She wants Mike to pay her more not less because Tina is "loaded".

Tina says she is not getting one penny of her money, although she doesn't begrudge a single penny spent on SDD who she loves.

Mike is feeling a bit guilty but there is no money and he bought her a house. That's enough, surely?

Mike really is a genuinely nice bloke. He was so generous because (even though he wasn't to blame) the accident meant that he could not be the father he wanted to be, nor did he have much money to pay to support DD until he got his compensation.

He knew he'd need more operations and who knows what may happen? He wanted to be sure DD had a roof over her head. He really thought Jane would get her career back on track but she didn't want to - she's had a few jobs that don't pay that well.

See this is what I mean by not getting the whole picture.

The accident was 10 years ago, and you use the word “eventually” about the compensation. And now you say that during that wait (which sounds like years, and I know that’s not uncommon with an accident) he couldn’t give much towards bringing up his daughter.

That’s life and shitty circumstances - I am not blaming him. But it sounds like Jane may have carried the can financially then, so actually him paying off the mortgage might be more balanced than it seems. It could have been a joint choice for Jane to be a SAHM initially, so you can’t blame her for that. And as the accident was so serious and the daughter was only 6, it sounds like it’s Jane’s work potential that would have been impacted. Yes, Mike wanted her to have a career - but from age 6-something she might not have been able to put in the hours / take the risks / moves to do so, if the daughter was young and she was doing the childcare. Not Mike’s fault, just life - but not Jane’s either.

Jane certainly shouldn’t expect more CM now because Tina has money.

And nothing I suggest above may be true.

But for some reason many posters on MN seem to jump to seeing any decent payment to an ex (female) as some sort of pisstaking gold digging. Maybe the house was her due, for carrying the can between the accident and compensation?

I hate the assumption that a man has a responsibility to support his ex no matter what. HE HOUSES AND FINANCIALLY SUPPORTS HIS CHILD - that's where his responsibility ends.

The facts are:

1. Mike has his child the majority of the time - therefore CM shouldn't be owed to Jane anyway;

2. The man has no income - therefore CM wouldn't be payable even if SD did spend the majority of her time staying with her mum, except whatever minimal amount would be due from his benefits;

3. He has already been more than generous by paying off the whole mortgage and then signing the house over to Jane when he would have been well within his rights to sell up and split the proceeds. Jane should be ashamed of herself for chasing him for more.

Very surprised to see the amount of support for Jane on here considering in this case the child lives with her father most of the time AND he can't even work!

ellisandra Mike had the accident when her DD was six. She is 16 now, so even if he paid off the mortgage this year and didn't pay anything for the 10 years inbetween, then she would have got the equivalent of £15,000 a year in maintenance. Which is around £288 A WEEK.

On top of that he has been paying maintenance according to OP, although we don't know how much, or since when.

based on that, which is worst case scenario, she is being totally U.

But for some reason many posters on MN seem to jump to seeing any decent payment to an ex (female) as some sort of pisstaking gold digging. Maybe the house was her due, for carrying the can between the accident and compensation?

Maybe giving Jane the house was the only way Mike could contribute at the time. However, that doesn't mean she's entitled to money from him forever, particularly now that SD is living with him the majority of the time.

I think probably they should have had child maintenance re-assessed immediately after Mike's accident. His compensation is partly in place of lost income, but partly to make accommodations he needs for himself now. Either way, they definitely need to get it re-assessed now, both on the basis of his current financial situation and the daughter's living arrangements. Much better than trying to agree something informally, because neither will be satisfied by that.

Basics:

DD is at her dad's more than her mum's, why would he pay CM? (Unless there's something I've missed)
Tina's income is irrelevant here.

Sounds like Jane is just a cheeky freeloader who doesn't want to earn her own keep.

Tina needs to hold firm and Jane needs a short hard slap from reality.

Jesus, janes got a neck on her hasn't she. She's trying to take every last penny off a disabled man.

She needs to get a job and stand on her own two feet. And she should be the one paying cm because the daughter stays at her dads the most.

I think Mike should see a solicitor and look in to claiming his equity in the house

Mike should just go to the CMS and claim the maintenance he is entitled to from Jane. Jane will soon back off when she realises that she is supposed to be paying him.

Mike has been more than generous considering they were never married and therefore there would not have been any onus on him to house Jane. He was a good guy and did the right thing by his daughter. Time for Jane to appreciate that now and pay her way!

Jane is taking the absolute piss....