Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Who is BU? I'm not sure. Sorry it's long.

87 replies

acomingin · 01/05/2019 11:38

A couple of recent threads have reminded me of a situation that has been rumbling in our extended family for some time and looks likely to blow up again.
#Names changed

Mike and Jane were in a relationship. Bought a house together had a DD. Sadly broke up after a few years. Mike paid towards the mortgage and CM well over the required level. He rented a flat and had DD to stay as often as possible. Jane remained a SAHM for several years.

Mike was in a dreadful car accident 10 years ago and was very badly injured. He has been unable to work since and is still having corrective operations, although day to day he manages quite well but is in pain a lot. Eventually he was awarded considerable compensation and he paid off the mortgage and gave the house to Jane. He bought himself a house and he shared custody of DD, while also contributing CM from the remaining compensation.

Five years ago he met and married Tina. Tina also had one DC from her previous marriage. She and her ex shared custody, no money paid by either as both earn substantial salaries. All expenses for school etc shared. Tina and Mike now have a 1 year old.

While Tina was pregnant they sold Mike's house and bought a new, bigger one with room for everyone. Tina is back at work now and the baby is in nursery half time as Mike's injuries mean he struggles to care for her full time. His savings from the compensation are almost gone, apart from a pension fund, which was part of the settlement as it was conceded he'd be unlikely to be able to work full time again. He warned Jane that the money was nearly gone and he wouldn't be paying CM any more, especially as DD is at his house more than her mother's. His DD is nearly 16 and he wants to save what's left to help her through university, paid directly to her.

Jane hates her job and wants to give it up but will have nothing to live on because she hasn't saved any money from the maintenance paid over the years or from her wages. She wants Mike to pay her more not less because Tina is "loaded".

Tina says she is not getting one penny of her money, although she doesn't begrudge a single penny spent on SDD who she loves.

Mike is feeling a bit guilty but there is no money and he bought her a house. That's enough, surely?

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 12:18

He warned Jane that the money was nearly gone and he wouldn't be paying CM any more, especially as DD is at his house more than her mother's

This is really the only relevant point. If the DD is genuinely spending more time at her father’s then no, he doesn’t pay maintenance.

UCOinanOCG · 01/05/2019 12:19

If Mike doesn't earn and has been using his compensation money to give Jane CM then he can't keep paying as the money will be gone and he won't have any more to give her. Jane obviously knows this as she has said she expects Tina to stump up. Jane needs to stay in her job and earn an income. Her DD will soon be grown up and gone so she needs to be able to support herself.

WhoisU · 01/05/2019 12:23

Jane is definitely U.

Sparkletastic · 01/05/2019 12:23

Jane needs to get off her backside

WhoisU · 01/05/2019 12:24

I can't believe how foolishly reliant Jane has been on her ex. She's got far too comfortable it seems and where he's offered a hand she wants to take him arms too.

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/05/2019 12:25

jane has had a house bought for her which she mike did not have to do!

jane has been lucky so far and now she needs to stand on her own two feet, what Tina earns is shite all to do with jane.

jane needs to find a new job.

KittyInTheCradle · 01/05/2019 12:29

He bought her a house so yes I'd say that's more than enough!

Might the courts force him to lay anyway, though?

She wants him to buy her a house then pay her not to work? What's that got to do with maintaining the almost 16 year old child?

Why does he have to pay anything at all if he has her most of the time and he's not earning, whereas she is! She should pay to him...

BobLemon · 01/05/2019 12:30

Jane’s U and a CF.

Mike and his DD sounds very lucky to be with Tina.

Why is it going to “blow up”?

KittyInTheCradle · 01/05/2019 12:33

Personally I think it would be pretty cheeky for Jane to downsize and live off the profit from the house which I assume he sees as being some sort of inheritance for his daughter... But these are the risks you take when you are generous :(

Ilovetolurk · 01/05/2019 12:37

Were they married? Did Mike pay off the house in a divorce settlement

Just for context

Also you say the dd spends more time with Mike but is this overnights

OKBobble · 01/05/2019 12:37

Were they ever married and if so are they officially divorced?

Springwalk · 01/05/2019 12:38

Mike has done more than enough, time for Jane to change jobs!

floraloctopus · 01/05/2019 12:39

OP, are you TIna? I think you need to leave Mike and Jane to sort it out themselves. Unless you are MIke or Jane I think YABU to post on MN about it.

Bringbackthestripes · 01/05/2019 12:42

If DD is living more with Mike maybe he should ask Jane for CM

Jaxhog · 01/05/2019 12:54

Not sure how CMS works if the person paying it doesn't/can't work, but is married to someone who does. But it seems unreasonable for Tina to be contributing anything. Mike is responsible for supporting his DD, but NOT his exwife. If he has at least 50% of the care, then he shouldn't be paying anything.

Jane is a CF. She already has a mortgage free house. She should be working like the rest of us.

BobLemon · 01/05/2019 12:55

Don’t listen to the above poster, OP! YANBU to post on MN about it. It’s what anonymous Internet forums are made for and none of my friends IRL have such interesting dilemmas!

hsegfiugseskufh · 01/05/2019 12:55

floral why? op can post on MN about whatever they like!

sounds like mike has made up his mind anyway, and legally if all he gets paid is incapacity benefit, then jane will only legally get what a 5er a week off him, if even that!

Jane needs to realise she is not in a relationship with mike anymore, and tbh that is very much Tinas business because although she wants to and is happy to support mike and his dd, she does not want to (and rightly so!) support mikes ex, and mike cannot support his ex himself anymore! what needs sorting out between them?

Original poster

acomingin · 01/05/2019 12:56

I'm not Tina - she is a family member. We are very close. She knows I've posted here and that some details have been changed in case the cunts at the Mail are watching.

So @floraloctopus I don't give a fuck what you think. Feel free not to come back.

OP posts:

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/05/2019 12:57

Unless you are MIke or Jane I think YABU to post on MN about it.

Tina would have every right to post on MN if Jane was expecting her to contribute.

floraloctopus · 01/05/2019 12:58

I just think that people should keep details like this off MN as it's not going to help.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/05/2019 12:58

Perhaps floral is Jane. 😂

floraloctopus · 01/05/2019 12:58

Rumbled!

Bibidy · 01/05/2019 12:59

Given that Mike has no earnings, he actually doesn't need to give anything to Jane at all and she's incredibly lucky that he was generous enough to buy that house and give it to her.

I think she should count her lucky stars he's been so generous for so long and get a job of her own. In any case, CM would top in 2 years anyway so she needs to get herself together.

Original poster

acomingin · 01/05/2019 13:00

Thanks for the more positive responses. Jane has a hissy fit from time to time and usually Mike gives in so as not to upset SDD. But the well is dry now.

SDD would move in permanently I think but Tina encourages her to go to her mum's.

Jane is going to have to get herself a job she likes or stay where she is.

OP posts:

Original poster

acomingin · 01/05/2019 13:02

Sorry, I didn't answer the question. Mike and Jane were never married.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4