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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum starting to irritate

50 replies

Patiopauline · 01/05/2019 10:58

So in a nutshell there is another school mum who seems to be jumping on my son’s behaviour before I even get a chance to open my mouth and say anything. It’s starting to grate to be honest and I need advice on how to nip this in the bud.

As an example, her son and my son play together. Let’s call my son Harry and other boy Freddie.

So when they play together she is always picking up my son on his behaviour, jumping in before I’ve had a chance to (we are talking seconds after) and its usually ‘Harry not with that’ or ‘Harry can you say sorry to Freddie’ and so on.

Now I know what you are probably thinking, Pauline doesn’t discipline her son so this other mum is stepping in. This is absolutely not the case, I am very hot on behaviour and saying sorry. I drill please and thank you into my kids and constantly police their behaviour to ensure they are playing nicely. So please take my word for it this is not about me not disciplining him!

When my son does something wrong I make him apologise which he is actually really good at to be fair and then change the play so the behaviour is not repeated. So when she tells my son to say sorry he always does.

What makes it worse is when her son does something wrong, she tells him to apologise and he usually throws a strop and then she doesn’t follow through and make him apologise for being mean or aggressive. Total double standards!

What can I do to nip this in the bud because I feel like she is scapegoating my son. I don’t want to cause tension as the boys get on well but I’m its increasingly starting to irritate me. Any advice?

OP posts:
babysharkah · 01/05/2019 10:59

Why are you there when they are playing? Let them get on with at school and don't socialise out of school.

KC225 · 01/05/2019 11:08

I think the next time she attempts to do it, say 'I'll discipline my own child, you concentrate on yours'. If she starts with the but you didn't see what he did, you were looking in the other direction. Say, well tell me not him and I will deal with it.

Original poster
Patiopauline · 01/05/2019 11:08

Because the boys beg to stay and play together after school. I am reducing the amount of times this happens (only once a week now) but I feel mean not allowing this occasionally as they seem to enjoy it. They are both 5 years old for context.

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 01/05/2019 11:09

Pull her son up on his behaviour and when he tantrums tell him he still has to apologise and parent him if she won't and when she complains act all innocent what's good for the goose is good for the gander

Lllot5 · 01/05/2019 11:12

Tell her not to. Your son it’s up to you to tell him if she doesn’t like it she have to lump it.

TixieLix · 01/05/2019 11:14

I’d say to her “I’d really appreciate it if you’d let me discipline my own child but you’re not giving me chance. If I should miss something just tell me a I’ll handle it with DS, thank you “

FreudianSlipSlide · 01/05/2019 11:15

Next time she does it could you say ‘let the parents do the parenting, school mum’ (tinkly laugh)? Takes a bit of nerve but my SiLs always said this when their kids were younger and I’ve found it quite a helpful phrase. If she asks for an explanation you can say brightly ‘let’s not fall out!’

Cheery but icy - would that work? It would drive me mad!

Youngdumbandfullofrum · 01/05/2019 11:15

Maybe it's because your DC listens and does as she says and hers doesn't Wink

NoSauce · 01/05/2019 11:16

Tell her to give you a chance to speak to your son before she chimes in, either that or stop socialising with them. It sounds draining OP.

SammySamSam09 · 01/05/2019 11:17

I would do as she does and start pulling up her son on his behaviour. If she doesn't follow through I would step in to make sure he apologises.
Either she stops doing what she's doing to yours or she pisses off. Either is fine.

converseandjeans · 01/05/2019 11:25

I would try and get them to meet up without both parents there - so one week at yours and another week at hers. Or could they do an activity together that they enjoy so they get to meet up but with no parents there? So a football session or club of some sort?

bigKiteFlying · 01/05/2019 11:27

Excuse me - to cut her off - followed by a firm I will deal with this thank you or just jumping in and dealing with your DC.

I've occasionally had to do it with family and other parents - not because I don't discipline or my children behave badly usually as they are trying to impose slightly different rules – like which play equipment they are allowed on or where they can eat in our house.

PrincessDanae · 01/05/2019 11:28

So when he throws a strop, you need to step in and say "Oh dear, Harry always apologises when he does something wrong. If you can't apologise Freddie then I'm afraid Harry can't stay here and play with you. Come on Harry, let's go and get you an ice cream from the shop" - and head off. Make sure you DO you get your DS some sort of treat so that he knows its not his behaviour that has caused play time to end.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/05/2019 11:33

I know it's not the point but how can there be so much bad behaviour in a short play after school? If you both have to intervene that much, I'd just stop them playing together after school. It doesn't sound like much fun.

bestbefore · 01/05/2019 11:34

What are they doing which is so wrong? Why do they need telling off so much? Sounds weird to me, kids are just kids most of the time and stuff is often tit for tat.
Bet she's bothered by her own sons behaviour/ reaction though and that's why she says stuff to yours

Onecutefox · 01/05/2019 11:35

If her son doesn't apologise you step in and say, "Oh, common Freddie. You need to apologise as Henry always does."

M4J4 · 01/05/2019 11:36

Either ask her not to discipline your son, as you don’t discipline hers or when she doesn’t follow through on disciplining her son, you do it or ask her to do it.

Ideally I would stop the play dates as sounds like has bulging tendencies.

M4J4 · 01/05/2019 11:37

*bullying

Onecutefox · 01/05/2019 11:38

Some people can be so direct and thus impolite as a result that you don't even know how to handle it. I know, I have been there. Then later I would be thinking, "Oh why didn't I say this to her or him?"

ILoveMaxiBondi · 01/05/2019 11:39

Start disciplining her son before she does and when she does do it, and he strops, you step in and follow through Grin

howabout · 01/05/2019 11:40

Any bad behaviour from anyone and we go home - not a big fan of hanging round the playground and only persuaded to do it if I can happily ignore my DC, other DC, other parents.

I agree with Lilleth

Also agree with those suggesting other parent is taking out her frustration at her own son on yours - not good for your son or hers.

Chocmallows · 01/05/2019 11:41

I think she wants to feel that Freddie is being normal in being naughty is aware her discipline isn't working and at a loss to know why and so highlighting Harry as also needing discipline. She is missing the point that Harry responds and Freddie doesn't.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 01/05/2019 11:42

Sounds exhausting, what about stepping back and letting the kids sort it out?

It all sounds like helicopter parenting

Letting kids,deal with conflict is a good thing, they can get a parent if and when needed.

Not every little action needs to be monitored, assessed, judged and acted upon

Luckystar777 · 01/05/2019 11:44

Oh god, she's a control freak.

SoupDragon · 01/05/2019 11:46

Ideally I would stop the play dates as sounds like has bulging tendencies.

Who has bullying tendencies?

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