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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School mum starting to irritate

50 replies

Patiopauline · 01/05/2019 10:58

So in a nutshell there is another school mum who seems to be jumping on my son’s behaviour before I even get a chance to open my mouth and say anything. It’s starting to grate to be honest and I need advice on how to nip this in the bud.

As an example, her son and my son play together. Let’s call my son Harry and other boy Freddie.

So when they play together she is always picking up my son on his behaviour, jumping in before I’ve had a chance to (we are talking seconds after) and its usually ‘Harry not with that’ or ‘Harry can you say sorry to Freddie’ and so on.

Now I know what you are probably thinking, Pauline doesn’t discipline her son so this other mum is stepping in. This is absolutely not the case, I am very hot on behaviour and saying sorry. I drill please and thank you into my kids and constantly police their behaviour to ensure they are playing nicely. So please take my word for it this is not about me not disciplining him!

When my son does something wrong I make him apologise which he is actually really good at to be fair and then change the play so the behaviour is not repeated. So when she tells my son to say sorry he always does.

What makes it worse is when her son does something wrong, she tells him to apologise and he usually throws a strop and then she doesn’t follow through and make him apologise for being mean or aggressive. Total double standards!

What can I do to nip this in the bud because I feel like she is scapegoating my son. I don’t want to cause tension as the boys get on well but I’m its increasingly starting to irritate me. Any advice?

OP posts:

beenhereages1 · 01/05/2019 11:53

I would just try and discourage the boys playing together as much as you can. I was in a situation very similar to this years ago. Other mum was constantly pulling up DS for even the tiniest amount of bad behaviour - yet her son was considerably worse. I feel she did it as highlighting that DS was being naughty made her feel better for her DS's behaviour.

We were great friends (when our children weren't involved!) but it all crumbled when she made a very snidey comment about DS and I snapped. We haven't been the same since. Initially I was devastated but now I feel relieved that those days are over as it was very intense!

Original poster

Patiopauline · 01/05/2019 11:58

Thanks for your advice. I'm really taking it all onboard

OP posts:

Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 11:58

I’d be really tempted to to start pulling her son on things and if he kicks up a fuss you continue to follow through with it.

However I guarantee it will cause problems.

Just let them play and seriously reduce contact out of school - like zero contact!

It’s a bad habit of the other boys mother why go through the hassle of breaking it when the friendship may fizzle out soon any way

Springwalk · 01/05/2019 12:01

Stop the play dates or change to just your house (without her)

I had this, and the next stage will be that her son will also start to tell your son off in a similar way.
She is doing it to make her son look better/superior.

You can’t trust a mother like that, they become hugely competitive in other areas and really quite a toxic influence. I would quietly drop them both

Newtimer · 01/05/2019 12:07

Agree with SpringWalk, this has been my pet hate since having kids and I’ve ‘lost’ a couple of acquaintances over it. My top rule is respect others parenting technique and don’t interfere. This could just get worse. You need to find friends for you and your son who either parent along the same lines or don’t interfere with your child. Quietly drop them, maybe invite someone else over or take your son to the park, a new club etc

Newtimer · 01/05/2019 12:08

& if they really are good friends and you want to keep the contact, he should be old enough to come and play on his own at your house at this age.

strangeloop · 01/05/2019 12:10

I agree with Lileth, why would you stand over them picking apart their behaviour? Let them work out their boundaries with each other. You will end up with kids that constantly come and tell you X did this to me, Y did that to me. It's better for children to learn to negotiate.

Mine only come to tell me if there's blood something substantial has happened.

EvilMorty · 01/05/2019 12:12

I find that with my middle one, people often tell him off before he’s done anything, because he’s a big lad and steams around. He has a heart of gold though so I can see him thinking “what have I done, I was only doing the same as the other kids”.

I just say “he hasn’t done it yet, let’s tell him off when he’s actially naughty, shall we?”

EvilMorty · 01/05/2019 12:13

Springwalk is 100% right that the boy will adopt the same telling off behaviour as the mum!

bigKiteFlying · 01/05/2019 12:17

I know it's not the point but how can there be so much bad behaviour in a short play after school? If you both have to intervene that much, I'd just stop them playing together after school. It doesn't sound like much fun.

I had to stop going to the local park after school once as another parent couldn't leave my kids or hers alone - it sucked all the fun out for everyone - me stepping in was ignored.

It was constant monitoring and alleged horror stories about accidents if children played on equipment they’d been on loads of times with zero incidents.

We went later or at weekends or went to the library instead.

cheshirecat777 · 01/05/2019 14:04

depends on the age and situation

what i would say is we have a very naughty lad in my DS class - parents are always in earshot whilst he is v nasty and do nothing - then his mother get v upset if the lad is told off or of he isn't invited to parties or sleepovers of the lads he has been horrid to. I can easily imagine her saying similar to OP that she is annoyed others discipline her son or single him out etc

btw naughty lad is just a child i don't blame him and i encourage my own DS to stand up to him in appropriate ways and deal with it on his own

but some parents just turn a blind eye to bad behaviour and it isnt ok to think that other kids to have to put up with it.

cheshirecat777 · 01/05/2019 14:11

realised may have got wrong end of stick

simplest solution is to just cut back on time they spend together

Outanabout · 01/05/2019 14:20

When my kids were little I just gave up on some friendships, it wasn't worth the aggravation. Your child will be learning bad behaviour as well, since the other child doesn't have to follow the same rules. Your child will see that having a strop works.

BlueMerchant · 01/05/2019 14:20

Keep well away from the boy and mum. I wouldn't be having playdates at my home with this boy and I certainly wouldn't be allowing his mother in to tell off my child in my home. Put a stop to it. Refuse invites to her house too and do something with your ds instead that doesn't involve this horrible, cheeky, competitive woman who oversteps normal boundaries and tries to undermine you. They can play together at school. Don't invite these people into your life.

BlueMerchant · 01/05/2019 14:25

She obviously thinks she is making her son look better by putting down your son.
Jealousy and self esteem issues.
I got rid of a woman who latched on to me at the school gates who was like this.
I feel much better. I dreaded seeing her.

PrincessDanae · 01/05/2019 14:32

@cheshirecat777 - I had one parent who didn't turn a blind eye, she actually couldn't see his bad behaviour. It absolutely beggared belief. We were both watching DC, her DS grabbed one of the swings and swung it wildly and it very narrowly missed my DS - if it had connected he would have been knocked out. She just smiled on, commenting on how beautifully they were playing together. I invented an appointment I had to be at and got out of there....

Nomorepies · 01/05/2019 14:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

AlaskanOilBaron · 01/05/2019 14:37

If you actually are a reasonably good and consistent disciplinarian, I'd give her a wide berth.

Loon.

Connieston · 01/05/2019 14:49

I wouldn't dream of disciplining someone else's child when the mother was right there! I remember an old mate of mine was constantly issuing instructions to my eldest - "don't run" - to which I'd think why not, it's a park, "Careful with the traffic!" - he always stops way before the kerb, I don't have to yell at him, etc... Used to drive me batty. The implication was that I wasn't mothering hard enough I think!

I agree with others - just don't have playdates if she's going to wind you up and let them socialise in their own way at school. Some people are just plain irritating, whether their kids get on with ours or not!

Someoneonlyyouknow · 01/05/2019 16:01

Disciplining someone else's child in front of them is rude but is there any chance that she thinks her child is the better behaved and yours a bit of a pain? One of my DC is very close in age to a relative's child and they never got on together - I think the other child is a spoiled brat but their mother would probably say the same about mine! Both played fine with other children.

AvengersAssemble · 01/05/2019 17:47

Tell her outright to stop, if she continues to do this your DC will not be playing with her DC anymore.

Deelish75 · 01/05/2019 20:19

I would just give her a hard stare and make it clear that you would deal with your own child thank you very much.

It’s her not making her DS apologise to your DS when he’s done something wrong that I find the worst. It’s teaching your DS that others don’t need to apologise to him when they have wronged him. I had a similar situation with a school mum, she latched onto us as we walked home. Her DD could be quite vile to my DS and would begrudgingly apologise or outright refuse. We had one particular nasty and dangerous incident which her DD refused to apologise to DS so that was it we refused to walk home with them anymore, we didn’t want anything to do with them. It’s difficult because you want harmony but children need to learn there are consequences to their actions.

Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 20:33

What’s bossy old cow!

Time to turn the tables

Dieu · 01/05/2019 20:39

How annoying. It sounds like she's disciplining your son, because she can't do it effectively with her own. Some kind of weird projection thing going on. Maybe it makes her feel better about herself!

Jakesmumandbump · 01/05/2019 20:59

I think I’d be inclined to avoid her rather than asserting myself around her (I can’t see that ending well, I’ve had a similar friend). I would probably explain to my dc that he can have the friend over now and then for tea/dinner from school so the mum is not around to interfere. She definitely sounds like someone who’s a bit paranoid about their own child’s behaviour and has a few insecurities about her own parenting.

Sounds like your dc has a lovely friend there though so definitely a nice little bond to encourage.

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