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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how your separation affected your dc’s? And their ages?

37 replies

Dollylolly123 · 30/04/2019 22:29

I’m thinking on ending my relationship with DP, since having DS he has become really lazy, he isn’t hands on as a dad and I do absolutely everything. He doesn’t contribute financially any more to the household since he was born, despite me going part time and buying everything. To be honest I’m just really unhappy and have lost any hope in things getting better.

My DS is nearly 2 and is very used to Dp not being here as he works away for the majority of the time (but even when he is home he doesn’t help). The thought of splitting up with him fills me with huge guilt about the effect it will have on our child. I just wanted to know how your children handled it? Do you have any tips? Is it better to do whilst DC are young and don’t know any different? I just feel at a loss, I don’t know whether to stay together for ds’s sake or is life too short...

OP posts:
Original poster
Dollylolly123 · 01/05/2019 19:47

Anyone?

OP posts:
Prettyvase · 01/05/2019 19:49

Better while they are young. A child needs a happy mum to grow up happy so that should swing things for you Smile

Original poster
Dollylolly123 · 01/05/2019 19:52

I thought the younger the better too, as it’s all they will have known. I know older children can be deeply affected and I want to do the best by ds. Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
Houseonahill · 01/05/2019 19:58

No direct experience sorry, but if your son is 2 and used to him being away then he wont remember it ever being different so you can't miss what you don't know if that makes sense. Out of my friends growing up some had divorced parents and some had parents in very unhappy marriages and the ones with unhappy parents were much more negatively effected imo.

RightOnTheEdge · 01/05/2019 20:01

My dc were much happier when I split with their Dad. They told my dm that they liked it better just me and them.
They are 8 and 6. We have a lovely time just the three of us.

PinkGlitter123 · 01/05/2019 20:05

Following with interest,
Some would say its possible for a child to come out completely unscathed from separation /divorce. I agree if they are under 3 but not otherwise.

happymummy12345 · 01/05/2019 20:08

I was 8 when my parents divorced. My mum told me she wasn't happy and was in love with someone else. She asked if I'd be happy to move in with the man she had been seeing and I said yes. I really wasn't affected by it at all. I still saw my dad every weekend.

Original poster
Dollylolly123 · 01/05/2019 20:18

These are positive replies. I just feel like if I’m going to leave him (which I desperately want to) it needs to be sooner rather than later as I know leaving it much longer will probably be more upsetting. It’s just not how I planned things to be but then again that’s life isn’t it.

OP posts:
Ratatatouille · 01/05/2019 20:20

I don't think it's ever wise to stay together for the kids. Obviously when you have a family you have an obligation to try your best to work at your marriage for their sake, but if it's not possible to fix things then don't hold together an unhappy family out of a misguided sense of duty.
That said, please don't fall into the trap of thinking that young kids seem fine and so they aren't affected. That's not true. For young children, their immediate family is their anchor in the world. Divorce/separation will have a massive impact, even if they seem unfazed. The situation will need very careful management. Unfortunately I know this from bitter experience as DH has recently been receiving mental health treatment largely centering around the collapse of his parents' marriage when he was very young. I'm not trying to guilt trip here - his parents handled it exceptionally badly which has a lot to do with it - but they both thought he was fine because he appeared to be on the surface.
So in summary, my advice would be not to stay in an unhappy marriage if you can't both work it out BUT to prioritise your kids in the event of a split and be proactive in handling their emotional well-being, even if they seem fine.

Original poster
Dollylolly123 · 01/05/2019 20:20

Happymummy12345 - did you not resent your mum or do you think she was happier for it? Did she stay with the man she fell in love with?

OP posts:
Ratatatouille · 01/05/2019 20:21

I should say, obviously not ALL kids are going to be negatively impacted long term. Reading back it does sound like I'm saying it's the same for everyone, which obviously it isn't.

Angrybird123 · 01/05/2019 20:21

Mine were 3 and 5.ex left for ow and moved in with her pretty fast. Day to day they are ok but there are some fairly deep seated issues about feeling a lack of control over their lives. Some years on, both have told me repeatedly they wish we were still together. Having said said that, at your dcs ages it should be easier as they ll know no different.
It does really bug me when adults go on about how resilient kids are.. They're really not, we just tell ourselves that to make us feel better.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 01/05/2019 20:21

He doesn’t contribute financially any more to the household since he was born,

Why? cock lodger, get rid.

Original poster
Dollylolly123 · 01/05/2019 20:24

Ratatatouille - that’s my worry and I’m sorry your DH had such a terrible time. I’m worried about scarring my ds which is my worst fear. I know that whatever happens me and dp will do our best (I hope he will), he also witnessed a horrible divorce and 30 years later his parents can’t be in the same room.

OP posts:
thetigerthatcamefortea · 01/05/2019 20:25

I was 17 when mine split up. Had a real effect on me.
My children were 8 and 4 and like an above poster my children are very happy and say they prefer it. Still get quality time with their dad. And I’m not crying every day and shouting any more.

Original poster
Dollylolly123 · 01/05/2019 20:27

IsYourGoogleBroken - I know. Beyond belief isn’t it, I feel totally responsible for everything.

Angrybird - that’s my worry, not having control in ds’s life. I can imagine things being a lot harder than I can imagine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dollylolly123 · 01/05/2019 20:29

thetigerthatcamefortea - can I ask why you think it affected you and your children less so? I’m looking for how I can make things as gentle as possible.

OP posts:
YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 01/05/2019 20:32

Your son is only little he won’t remember his dad living with you. My dad left when I was 1 so I didn’t miss him living with us. As long as your son still sees his dad and, very importantly, his father puts in the effort with him that’s the main thing I think.

My eldest who was 9 at the time struggled in the beginning but our situation was more complex anyway. You have to give yourself time to get used to the new way of life.

PinkGlitter123 · 01/05/2019 20:39

Dolly you seem like your put your kid first so I think it will be fine.
Its the parents who assume their kids are fine and move onto the next man/woman quickly putting their own needs first which impacts on the kids.
One child I know whose parents recently separated plan their weekends around their new partners/social life which I find really sad. They prioritise that over him. If a social event is on which they want to go to they pass the kid over to the other parent for the weekend.
Kids come first always.

Original poster
Dollylolly123 · 01/05/2019 21:19

pinkglitter123 - yes I would definitely put ds first, the thought of not having him at weekends would be heartbreaking but I suppose that is something we would need to arrange. I just feel like the bad person breaking a family up but I can’t stay this unhappy for a long time.

OP posts:
PinkGlitter123 · 01/05/2019 21:35

Your priorities are in the right place so I think that whatever decision you make will be the right one x

ViolentGin · 01/05/2019 21:37

My DH and his ex split when DSS was 2, he cannot remember anything different. He was shocked to discover a couple of years ago that his parents had ever been a couple (let alone together for nearly 10 years!).

As a result, he has two very happy parents and two step parents who adore him. He is very well adjusted and has never struggled going between homes.

Original poster
Dollylolly123 · 01/05/2019 21:57

Voiletgin - that’s encouraging and your ds sounds very happy. It seems like the earlier the better by the experiences shared here.

OP posts:
IAmNotPatientOrPregnant · 01/05/2019 21:59

I was about 7, my sister was about 2 and my brother was 10.

Me and my siblings are not affected by but what so ever.

My dad is bitter as fuck though, wont even shop in the same town as my mum. So my advice is do it with dignity.

KylieKoKo · 01/05/2019 22:01

When dps daughter was 5 she asked me what she was like when she was a baby and was genuinely shocked that I didn't know her then. She was 2 when they split and 4 when I met her. I think at that age they just accept things.

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