To ask how your separation affected your dc’s? And their ages?

[Dollylolly123]

I’m thinking on ending my relationship with DP, since having DS he has become really lazy, he isn’t hands on as a dad and I do absolutely everything. He doesn’t contribute financially any more to the household since he was born, despite me going part time and buying everything. To be honest I’m just really unhappy and have lost any hope in things getting better.

My DS is nearly 2 and is very used to Dp not being here as he works away for the majority of the time (but even when he is home he doesn’t help). The thought of splitting up with him fills me with huge guilt about the effect it will have on our child. I just wanted to know how your children handled it? Do you have any tips? Is it better to do whilst DC are young and don’t know any different? I just feel at a loss, I don’t know whether to stay together for ds’s sake or is life too short...

Placemarking as my DCs are going through this. They are older and whilst they seem to have accepted it, I do think my eldest is struggling more than he's letting on.

I was 13 and my DB was 11 when my parents divorced, mum walked Christmas day of all days. My dad is a stereotypical military asshole. Best thing they ever did was divorce. Hasn't affected us to be honest.

Although, the only people in my family who have never been divorced are great grandparents, my auntie and who have never been married, doesn't make me think to much of marriage.

I left DDs dad when she was 2.5, he refused to work so we were both at home all the time with her (I worked nights) She doesn't ask for him or even mention him when with me, and she sees him roughly once a week for a few nights but it varies week to week. She was sad about not being in our old flat initially, but I made her new bedroom identical to the old one and now she understands she has two homes. She is remarkably unbothered by it all, despite the lack of routine in seeing her dad.

Do not stay thinking it will be better for your DC, it won't, better you do it now when he is young and won't know any different. An unhappy mother is going to affect him negatively much more than being coparented by two happy, single people. It has been a bit of a shitshow for me since leaving thanks to fuck ups with universal credit, having to leave my dream home and all my friends and colleagues to move in with my parents, but it is still 100 times better than having to live with dickhead exP. Let go of the guilt, onwards and upwards OP

It looks like having happy parents is more important than them being together, which I thought would be the case but I can’t shake the guilt. I feel bad towards dp too but I need to consider my own feelings. If I waited until ds was older I would have wasted my life and not actually helped ds at all.

Peachesandcream14 - that’s what I need to hear I think, that an unhappy mother won’t be good for him. Obviously I hide it, we have days out, sing all the time etc but deep down I’m miserable and ds is the only light in my life. I keep thinking ‘how bad does it need to be to justify leaving?’ He isnt abusive or anything but the complete lack of support, financially or emotionally makes me realise that’s it’s just not enough.

My son was 2.5. We had a few issues along the way but on the whole, it was absolutely the right thing to do.
My exh doesn't bother with our son at all and our son recognises my partner as his parent, despite knowing his dad exists.

Not my experience but my husband is really bitter towards his mum for his parents separation.

He was 16 and it meant having to move across the country with her as she moved to live near her parents. He's now 35 and tolerates her and can be pleasent to her, but doesn't like her and I've never heard him say he loves her.

My DC were 3 and 5 when exDH left me for OW
3 year old didn’t even remember his father living with us
5 year old was very upset and it has damaged their self esteem

Dandelion - do you think he would have resented her had he been a toddler at the time or was it how she handled it by moving etc?

Split when my son was two, his dad was not interested in him at all. My son blossomed immediately and is now an independent successful twenty something. I hate to think what he would have become if I hadn't been brave enough to leave when I did. It's sad that his father never made any effort or showed much interest, no maintenance, not much involvement as he grew up. They are in touch now after years of no contact through my son's choice. It can't be great to have grown up knowing he was of no interest to his father, made worse by him having another much indulged son in the meantime, but I think it was better than him being brought up with his father influencing him as he matured. I do feel guilty that I'm the reason he has such a crap dad though.

Dd was 4 and is now a teenager. Since day one, she has been absolutely fine on a day to day level - he was rarely around and when he was, was increasingly not present, if that makes sense. She does have some massive fucked up problems though, wholly due to his behaviour since we split, which are currently screwing her up hugely.

No I don't. I think the fact that he was older meant he could see what was going on, he understood it and knew his family was broken.

As a child or toddler, I think he would have been more blind to it all and that would have allowed their relationship to repair, at 16, it was just too late.