To not cook for my DH

[Witsendagain]

So bit of background, we are a family of 3, me, dh and 1dc. I do all of the cooking for the family, every night. I cook from scratch and we rarely have processed foods.
I'm vegetarian and have been my entire life, I also have 2 different allergies to consider.
DC is little and needs loads of carbs, easy eat food. He is also mostly vegetarian as I'm not confident cooking meat. DH is a meat eater. So there are a few dietary requirements to take into account already.
About 3 years ago during a really stressful time dh had IBS symptoms, although the diagnosis was never confirmed. It all settled down again but he moans about his digestive system constantly, if he has wind, acid reflux, or whatever he goes on for hours and hours.
The problem is he seems to change what he can/can't eat on a daily basis but expects me to just know.
In fact it's worse than that, we do the weekly shop together, he won't suggest any meals, he will see what I put in the basket and won't say anything. Every night I'll say that I'm cooking such and such if that's OK, he says yes. But when I put the food in front of him he rolls his eyes and complains about whatever he can't have or, failing that, the portion size being too big (but then complains he's not eating enough for his weight). He pushes his food round the plate and I end up scraping his half eaten meal into the bin. If I dare to get angry because I checked with him he basically says he wasn't listening to me and I should know what he can't eat.
So, first, aibu to get annoyed about this? (not the digestive problems but his refusal to help me help him so to speak). Second, aibu to tell him to buy and cook his own food? My DM told me I was BU and as he was in work all day and I was 'only' at home with the toddler it was my job to do all the household tasks and cooking for the poor dear so I think I need some impartial advice!

Yabu for not having stopped cooking his meals years ago when he started this shitty behaviour. He sounds rubbish at communicating, and is gaslighting you by making you out to be the unreasonable one not knowing automatically what his majesty would deign to eat that day.

He is grown man. Leave him to it.

The question is, will you actually go through with it and stop cooking for him? Or is this just a rant?

Your husband needs to grow up and cook the food he wants if he doesn't like what you are serving. But him a cookbook, tell him to watch YouTube videos about cooking meat, and then instruct him to keep his whinging mouth shut. You're not his maid or personal chef, ffs.

Like most of these issues you need to have a conversation with your DH. Tell him you are not a mind reader and that you are happy to cook for him (if you are) but you won't tolerate his ungrateful rude behaviour. Treating your partner disrespectfully can become a habit very quickly, just read a lot of the posts here.

Make a meal plan together of things you both agree on. If he won't cooperate tell him he needs to sort out his own food. I stopped ironing for DH over 20 years ago when he made a "jokey" comment about how I had ironed his shirts. He has done any ironing that needs doing ever since.

OP, I’m sorry but he sounds a pain. He is doing this so that you feel as if you’re doing something wrong and need to try harder. It’s manipulation and attention-seeking basically. Is he jealous of your focus on your toddler? He is miffed about something, I’d say.

My DH expects me to cook for him too, but I will say he doesn’t moan and will always thank me at least.

I think he’s trying to wear you down so that you always feel “wrong” and “guilty” or that you need to be trying harder to get it right. And he can shift the goalposts whenever he likes.

Yanbu and yanbu.

Have a frank discussion with your DH and explain the situation- tell him it cannot go on.
He has digestive issues you clearly aren’t catering for and it’s best for him to cook his own meals going forward to ensure he is eating the right foods for his digestion and getting the proper nutrients.

Yanbu. He's being a big baby.

You have another child to look after in essence. Tell the big man baby to grow up and take some responsibility for his own and his family’s food intake!

Look after and feed you and your child, if he questions why his meal isn’t on the table tell him it might have irritated his IBS, you didn’t want to cause him discomfort. Point him to the fridge and food he choose when shopping

I started to write a post about what you could do with these requests. And then I thought, "fuck that". If he can't be pleasant about it, why should you be?

Oh and I have IBS, so the "fuck that" is honest.

And why are YOU scraping HIS plate ffs!?

I can sympathise with the fussy, groaning husband. Mine swings from being "Dairy free" to "Gluten free" to fucking vegetarian every other week.

I completely ignore this. I cook what I want to because I AM THE COOK.

He doesn't have to eat it. Sometimes he doesn't but will have something else.

I certainly don't scrape his bastard plate for him! What are you thinking?? Stop being a doormat.

I no longer cook for my picky eater DH (well, very rarely) It has done wonders for our marriage.

If he does have IBs, he needs to plan a diet that works for him. I, for example, have to severely limit my vegetable consumption to keep myself from being miserable.

I often have different things from my husband. I give him options, one of which is always ‘sort your own out’. He takes that option up rather a lot. If he wants to be awkward that’s fine by me but he needs to do it on his own time, not mine.

YABU. I think it's easier for everyone if one person cooks for the whole family at once.

Can't you both get to the bottom of his gut reactions? It might be a bean/legume allergy? Sometimes brassica vegetables can set people off too.

Can you take turns cooking?

If he can't be bothered to have any actual input into his health and what he eats, then you shouldn't be bothered to cook for him. Yes, it's easier to cook for the whole family at once but if he's not going to eat it anyway than what's the point?

Definitely let him cool his own food. Stuff having him moan all the time! Te your child being nearly vegetarian, When you say “you are say you aren’t confident cooking meat” what do you mean? All you need to do is put it in a frying pan and with a little oil and cook it through.

He'd be wearing his dinner if he were my H.

Stop cooking for him

I agree; I thought you were going to say it was too much to cook to all different requirements but his reaction would have me putting an empty plate in front of him and eating a nice dinner myself. He’s just being rude.

I am at home like you at the moment and also cook all meals. I wouldn’t put up with his rude behavior! Buy a little magnetic white board. Ask him to write his diet requirements on the white board and keep it on the fridge. If his requirements change, the. He has to update the white board. IF he dares to complain about a meal, point to the white board and tell him he is being an ungrateful dick.

I’d be tempted to bin his dinner as soon as he complains so he can’t finish it and has to sort himself out

Thanks for all your input! You've made me feel like I'm not a raging b*h, which is nice!
To be fair on the guy I often clear the kitchen in the evening while he does the nappy change, which is why I'm scraping the plates. I chose to do it this way because it gives me 10 minutes sans baby before bed and isn't an issue.

Kiwiinkits. That's partly the problem, we cannot discover any common factors between meals/days/food. I think it has become more of an anxiety thing and the actual food he is eating isn't the problem. So cooking for the family all at once is easier, for everyone except me!

Ihatehashtags. There have been some disastrous meat cooking experiences in the past! We're talking charcoaled, tough steaks (not in a fancy way) and walking off the plate chicken. I'm also not a fan of having raw meat near my kitchen surfaces as I only use natural cleaning products. Added to that most people cook what they know and ive never known meat, its difficult to get sustainable meat where I am and meat in general is worse for the environment. So I do use it as an excuse to keep us on a mostly vegetarian diet. From the start of our relationship I have been clear that he is absolutely welcome to cook his own meat to go with any meal, he just doesn't bother mostly.
Thanks again guys! I'm going to have a chat with him and suggest that ig he doesn't want to keep his mouth shut in future he can sårt cooking for himself! 😁

I'd make a meal list which is easily visible, with a post it note asking if he's cooking a separate meal any nights to mark it down on the list.
Go shopping
Make a meal
Let him serve himself a portion.
Don't give it another thought. He eats or doesn't, up to him.

YABU for not stopping catering for this rude manchild as soon as he started rolling eyes at what you put in front of him. Let the ungrateful twat sort his own bloody dinner!

I have this too, mine had crohn's disease though and it does limit the food somewhat. He is also veggie like me though so that is easier in a way.

I just try and keep everything as simple as possible, sometimes I use ready frozen meals such as from Waitrose, frozen risotto and the like. A bit of fibre but not too much but digestible, and vary things a little. I try not to take it personally as sometimes food can cause pain. It is hard, though and I do find it frustrating.

We have multiple food intolerances in our family.
We discuss dinner and deconstruct to a certain extent, so onions, capsicum etc in separate bowls.
Every thing is on the lazy sussan and people help themselves