Do I tell my mom my dad is cheating.

[msfreddo]

I have evidence my dad is seeing another female. It's been going on over a year.
I really don't know what to do next in this situation. I feel my mother should know but I don't want to hurt her.
I also think my dad would disown me and throw me out.

Has anyone been in this situation. What would you do?

Bloody hell thats a dreadful position you're in. Does your dad know you know? X I'm so sorry

I haven’t found myself in that situation but I’d be inclined to confront him rather than tell her. It’s better coming from him than you.
Is your dad an asshole generally? He sounds like one. How is your relationship with him?

No he doesn't know I know. I have all the evidence so he can't deny it.
Thanks for the reply

Yeah me. My dad’s been cheating for the best part of 20 years. My mum knows but she pretends she doesn’t so I’ve stopped telling her now - she won’t leave him and he won’t leave her and she prefers to pretend everything is ok. I just got used to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes he is an arsehole. That's a big reason why I'm worried to tell her.

If / when she does find out on her own, how will she feel knowing her daughter knew about it but said nothing?

Or when / if she finds out will you just act like you was unaware of it and lie to her?

Only you can decide what to do

I'd personally tell her

Oh that’s a terrible position to be in.

Having said that it is not of your making and if you were my DD I would like to know.

What she decides to do with this information is entirely up to her.

He is a duplicitous twat and only he can answer for his own behaviour.

if you were my DD I would like to know. What she decides to do with this information is entirely up to her

This ^^

I’d have a word with your dad in private, tell them that you love them both but you don’t think it’s fair that he is lying to your mum. Tell him he needs to come clean to your mum. Insist that you would be doing the same if the situation was reversed and that you are doing this because you love them both. But the truth is the most important thing.

Would your mum not gave a say if he was to kick you out?

I have been in this EXACT position. I found out age 14 ish and told my dad what I’d found and that I knew. He told me that I would destroy my mum if I told her and I was a kid so I believed him and kept quiet. Fast forward 4 years and my mum of course found out. She was horrified and very upset when she found out I knew (not because I didn’t tell her, just very angry with my dad for putting me in that position). In hindsight I wish I had told her to start with and not let her go those years of being with him when he was continuing his affair. The end result was the same anyway.

He sounds abusive - you think he will disown you and throw you out.

How old are you by the way? Living dependantly with your folks, I presume young ish.

What to do next is whatever feels absolutely right for you to do next. Do it consciously and with no feeling of shame, guilt or responsibility (for what he is doing and how he reacts, or your mum's reaction). And talk to RL people who can properly support you too.

Oh when I said 'or responsibility (for what he is doing and how he reacts, or your mum's reaction)' I suppose I was presuming that what you might do might result in a reaction. Of course if what you do is not say anything, still do that with no sense of responsibility for what he is doing. This is not your fault, it does not reflect badly on you. This is his shit.

Could you tell your mum when he’s not there ,and ask her to not tell him you told her ,so your not involved

I would in a heart beat. If you think he would throw you out over his affair then he is not a reasonable man, therefore I wouldn't confront him, father or not.
Will your DM support you? Is your DF controlling? Has he cheated before, that your DM knows of? I am asking as I don't want to see you the messagenger shot.
If it was my DF I would tell DM.

There is no right or wrong answer. Only you can decide what feels right for you. I'm sorry you're in this position.

If your Dad was loving and kind to you, I’d say to tell him that you know, but think he should be the one to tell your mum, rather than you. However, your Dad has a temper and is abusive, so I’d tell your Mum IF she’s loving and kind to you. If she’s abusive too, then say nothing and work out how the hell you can move out and not end up in a relationship with a bloke like your Dad.

As someone who was cheated on, please tell her. She'll probably be devastated when she finds out and knowing that you knew and didn't tell would make it even worse.

I’ve been in your position. Discovered definite proof of my fathers affair while he was on holiday with my mother (think several inappropriate text messages sent to the wrong person)
I spoke to my brother and we waited for my mum to return home before sitting her down with our (accurate) suspicions. She was very hurt but didn’t blame us at all. My father is an arsehole. It was the final straw for her and she finally got rid of him!

i think you should tell your mum. She won’t be angry with you, if anything I’m sure she would appreciate you telling her. I would want to know if I was her and if my kids knew I would be furious that they had been dragged into the whole situation.

Yes I would tell her. And then I would support her in whatever she decided to do, even if she changed her mind several times.

I think you should tell her. This happened to a really good friend of mine who worked with his father so knew about the illicit 'office romance' when none of his siblings did. It nearly tore him and his own relationship apart carrying the nasty secret around for a few months and in the end, when he told his Mum, she was devastated but grateful to him. Still has a great relationship with his Mum. Sorry you have this horrible problem OP

I personally would have to tell my mum. There's no way I could keep that from her.
She deserves to know what's going on and make a choice about whether to stay or go.

Is there anywhere you could go if he does throw you out? Wondering if you wouldn't be happier away from him anyway, if it's not a particularly positive relationship?

I think you should tell. Her female health needs to be considered too.

How old are you parents OP? I have been in the same position. I found out about 13 years ago that my father was having an affair. I have reason to believe that this has continued. My mother suffers quite badly with depression and at the time I found out I was struggling with pregnancy and then a new born baby and chose not to tell her at that point. They are now almost 80 and I know that they couldn't afford financially to split so although my mum is unhappy (my dad is an arsehole) I can't now tell her.

I guess what I'm trying to say is is your Mum young enough to have a long life ahead of her once she gets over the shock?

It's a shit position to be in OP.

How old are you OP?