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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if MN makes you question your relationships?

86 replies

Lifeonmars77 · 30/04/2019 10:51

I've only been on MN a few months and sometimes find myself reading threads where a poster (either as the OP or within a thread) may have experienced something similar to me or be in a similar situation.

All fine and I get that everyone's different, but I'm sometimes finding that reading some posts and responses are highlighting things in my own life I hadn't considered before. For example relationships (or things that happen within them) that you think are fine/the norm but then start to question that they're not.

Does that make sense? Sorry I'm not sure if I'm putting it across the right way!

OP posts:
whyohwhyowhydididoit · 30/04/2019 12:01

Sometimes reading threads here has made me question some of my own attitudes and beliefs. On occasion I have changed my mind and behaviour as a result of this, sometimes it’s eased my mind about something that has been niggling at me and sometimes it’s reassured me that I was right all along!

Some posters are undoubtedly crackers - I will not be expecting my family to dry themselves on a hand towel then washing the towels every day, but even the crackers ones can be thought provoking. They make me reflect on my own habits instead of chugging along in a rut.

I’ve had responses to threads I’ve posted that have made me want to smack the poster who clearly just didn’t get me and was just projecting their own issues onto me, but equally I’ve had responses that made me cry with relief and gratitude for the understanding and support they’ve shown.

The threads aren’t just helpful for the deep stuff like family dynamics and self esteem, I’ve had great ideas and tips from the housekeeping threads and Style and Beauty too.

I bloody love Mumsnet and Mumsnetters.

ReganSomerset · 30/04/2019 12:06

I understand what you mean. MN can open one's mind to new viewpoints and ways of living. It doesn't make me question my relationship but has challenged my thinking at times. It's also been very helpful when I've had genuine questions or concerns and posted on the smaller boards, like the litter tray or children's health sections.

I really like it here, overall. Though a pinch of salt is required at times, particularly on the larger boards, as is recognition that other posters are viewing the situation at hand through the lens of their own experiences.

Inliverpool1 · 30/04/2019 12:06

See 10 years ago I posted on here my I suspected was having an affair, whilst I was pregnant and I was pretty much told to go and get my hair done, find a pretty dress and front her out. Now it would be LTB, the correct advice

janeybumtum · 30/04/2019 12:07

Sometimes yes, but it was reassuring to know that my stbxh really was particularly awful and no one in RL or any counsellor would give me an answer to that. It was always "it's how it affects you that matters" - yes, obviously, but I also needed to be able to put it into perspective to be able to understand that I wasn't on the sensitive side and a lot of people were very shocked by how bad his behaviour was.
I'm cynical now, but not just because of MN.

TheBulb · 30/04/2019 12:08

Men’s abuse of women is a far far bigger problem than anyone really wants to admit. It goes way beyond physical or sexual assaults. Bullying, intimidation, manipulation, coercion, control, objectification and disrespect are so commonly part and parcel of so many relationships now. Men tell themselves that because “I don’t hit her” or the wife says, “he’s a good dad and doesn’t put his hands on me” that they are not suffering ‘real abuse’.

This very good post from Parrot sums it up for me. Obviously, the fact of domestic abuse and inequality isn't news to me, but Mumsnet has been a real education in the minutiae of how educated first world women creep by degrees into relationships characterised by appallingly unequal dynamics, and end up deskilled, economically disempowered and with their self-esteem in flitters, so that leaving becomes ever more daunting.

slashlover · 30/04/2019 12:10

It's made me more wary about things I was fine with before. I'm a single woman with male friends and we sometimes go away overnight together without their GFs or meet up with other (male) friends because we all enjoy the same event and their partners don't. It's completely separate hotel rooms, known them for over 10 years, no hint of attraction or anything more than friendship etc. On here I would instantly be thought of as someone who was trying to be the OW. It's made me worry more about how other people see me.

EdWinchester · 30/04/2019 12:18

No, but MN often makes me despair at what many women put up with.

Men that are lazy, non-domesticated, unromantic, unappreciative, crap dads, sexist, misogynistic, lacking in hygiene, drunkards, abusive, aggressive, unfaithful - I’ve read it all on here.

SneakyGremlins · 30/04/2019 12:19

I will also say I do like the fact that there is always someone to give perspective on all relationships - even non romantic ones. I got some great advice regarding some friendship issues I was having - helped me see that I needed to dump the friend.

MattFreisWeatherReport · 30/04/2019 12:22

Yes, I think this too, OP. I've learned a lot about the dynamics of both my relationship with my DH and also my family of origin dynamics. In particular, I think the threads on here have sometimes helped me to put my finger on what's going on and from there develop some clarity about how I want to handle something. Of course, if you're going to apply MN wisdom to your own relationships, you have to be ready to pick out the insightful stuff from the nonsense and melodrama, of which there seems to be an avalanche some days.

I think it's great that it exists as a place for (mostly) women to get a reality check of sorts about the state of their relationships as women have put up with crappy relationships with dreadful men for far too long. I despair at some of the things people describe but at least this is a place where they can get some candid, and mostly kind, feedback.

But I also think, as a pp said, there's an alarming number of runaway threads where posters goad the OP into blowing a hole in a perfectly good relationship. I hate that herd mentality and wonder if it's a side effect of how big MN has grown. I haven't been here anywhere near as long as some, so I don't know. Maybe it's just human nature.

clairemcnam · 30/04/2019 12:25

Generally the women who post LTB, do so because they are in good relationships and know it could be so much better.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 30/04/2019 12:26

Mumsnet has been a great help. It made me understand the emotional abuse that took place in my first relationship and helped me with self-healing, it made me understand that I didn't have to carry the man-child of my second relationship.

In my current relationship, he is mostly great, but in his previous relationship he admitted to sulking if he didn't get his own way (sex or anything else). Mumsnet gave me the strength and belief and knowledge to nip his first ever sulk in the bud, and he hasn't done it since because he knows that such behaviour is completely unacceptable. Without mumsnet I might have thought it was just something to put up with.

MadAboutWands · 30/04/2019 12:27

Yes MN does make you think and see things in a different light.
I think it’s a bad thing either. From situation who are basically abusive to more ‘simple’ issues of balance in the relationship (and feminist views), some of the threads do put things into perspective.

As usual, yu need to take any advice at pinch of salt. And over the years, I have learnt to NOT ask for advice on MN about my own relationship because yu can only give a snapshot of what is happening and the advice is rarely relevant to what is ACTUALLY happening. Plus you have the issue of the language used, the ONE word you have used that has pushed people’s buttons etc....The one area where things seem to be more clear cut is when there is an affair or clear abuse.

Overall, despite my own misgiving, I think it can be really helpful to see things from a different angle, as long as you keep your critical hat on.
And NO, once you have started to see things in a different light, you can’t really unsee them and go back to being ignorant. Which is a good thing I suppose. Too many women are still living in abusive relationship and even more are living with a twat who doesn’t see them as an equal.

LadyRannaldini · 30/04/2019 12:34

I often wonder what the DH's or MIL's version of the story would be, MN only gives a very slanted version yet those versions are accpeted as being the absolute truth. How I would fear some people sitting on a jury.

LadyRannaldini · 30/04/2019 12:36

Generally the women who post LTB, do so because they are in good relationships and know it could be so much better.

Or they are pre-conditioned to take the easy way out of any problem, ie LTB, rather than put n the effort to make things work.

clairemcnam · 30/04/2019 12:38

Or maybe they don't think it is worth trying to persuade a male partner to actually treat them like an equal? I know I wouldn't.

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/04/2019 12:41

I can see my alternative life on some posts if I'd stayed with my ex. Instead I'm with my dog wh doesn't cook equally, but who does night feedings/takes equal responsibility for our kids/cleans/does DIY and encourages me. It makes me hope that all the people in crap relationships manage to find someone who treats them as a human being of value.

Happyspud · 30/04/2019 12:41

Lady, I think it would be naive to think leaving is the easy way out.

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/04/2019 12:42

DH not dog Smile

racewhorse · 30/04/2019 12:42

Does both for me

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/04/2019 12:43

Leaving isn't always easy or safe Lady. But it can often be the best thing to do for many women.

53rdWay · 30/04/2019 12:44

No, although I would have done if I'd found this place when I was with my ex. There was a lot in there that I thought was normal or at least nobody's-perfect territory for years until I wised up and got out.

It has made me reconsider a lot about my own family dynamics growing up though. And made me really appreciate having a good relationship with my mother-in-law!

clairemcnam · 30/04/2019 12:45

justanothernameonthepage Yes I had wondered where I can get a dog that does all that?

53rdWay · 30/04/2019 12:45

Instead I'm with my dog wh doesn't cook equally, but who does night feedings/takes equal responsibility for our kids/cleans/does DIY and encourages me.

I know that was a typo but Grin

OldAndWornOut · 30/04/2019 12:47

Leave the basset!

speakout · 30/04/2019 12:49

It makes me sad to see so many women in bad situations.

So many women are prepared to put up with mild/moderate abuse and disrespect- ofetn we are brought up to accept low standards.

I know I was- my mother's definition of a good husband is one that does not physically assault his wife.

I entered adult relationships and put up with some very bad situations.

My eyes are open now, and my standards high.
I need to be respected, valued, and cared for in a relationship and I will return he same.

Luckily I am in a relationship like this now, and all is good.

But I do feel for all the women who are putting up with shit.