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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to help me to figure this out...am I gay?

47 replies

Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 09:34

This might be long so bear with me. It’s taken me a while and a fair bit of courage to even post it anonymously on mumsnet.

I’m mid 30s so not young and I’ve been married for 15 years. In my whole life I’ve only ever been attracted to one person (male) in real life which is pretty depressing in itself. I’ve been attracted to mainly female celebrities but I don’t know if it’s more in a wanting to look like them way? I’m not sure. I’ve never really found any male well known people attractive.

So I find myself mid 30s and feeling incredibly lonely. It seems weird to only have been attracted to one person in real life ever. That’s not normal is it? It’s such a lonely lonely place to be and I’m getting old fast now, it feels like time is running out for me to experience that sort of attraction. I would say I’ve only been in love once too (with the same guy) but I was only 17 at the time and we were together for just over 2 years so I was young.

I’ve heard of people being asexual. Is that just not finding anyone attractive at all? How depressing. I sort of lean to thinking I might be gay but then I don’t find any women irl attractive - I mean I can see if someone is pretty but I don’t feel attracted to them.

I’m quite depressed and I think this is what might be at the root of it but I don’t know what to do about it.

OP posts:
KissMeBunty · 30/04/2019 09:35

Do you have sexual fantasies, and do they feature men or women?

Original poster
Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 09:37

Rarely but if so I guess women, never women I actually know though. Only women in the media.

OP posts:
TirisfalPumpkin · 30/04/2019 09:41

No really helpful advice, but I don’t think this situation is all that uncommon.

I’m 32, married to a man, consider myself bisexual but getting to grips with the likelihood that I’m primarily same sex attracted.

I think women don’t have many good ‘examples’ of what female sexual desire looks like that isn’t presented via the ‘male gaze’, so a lot of us get to our 30s with a lot of experience of being desired but not really knowing how to desire, iyswim.

Original poster
Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 09:44

But what do I do about it? Do I just accept this is it for me and live with it feeling like something is missing or do I blow everything I have at the moment apart?

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 30/04/2019 09:46

It’s all so complicated.

When I was 17 I became extremely sexually attracted to a female celebrity and I was taken aback by it!

When I was 21 I became sexually attracted to another female and we embarked on a sexual relationship for about 5 months.

When I have sexual fantasies they are always about her.

Apart from that one occasion I have had many, many boyfriends during my time until I eventually got married at the age of 29 and I’m now mid 30’s and have two children.

I don’t feel sexually attracted to women (celebrity or rela life) anymore and when I see good looking men on telly it does make me feel aroused Grin

I don’t class myself as bisexual but that confuses me seeing as 14 years ago I was having regular sex with a female Grin

Nothing is straight forward!!!

Original poster
Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 09:49

I feel like there’s part of me that needs to try being with a woman to see. I should have done this experimenting in my teens!!!

OP posts:
GirlcalledJack · 30/04/2019 09:52

I think maybe we as a culture get too wrapped up in labelling ourselves as being straight/gay/asexual.
Would it help you to not focus on it being men or women and just you fall in love or fancy the person rather than their sex?

As for the not finding anyone attractive, could there be some issues behind that? Feelings of not wanting to be rejected? Or worry about people labelling you or expecting certain behaviour from you?
Would discussing how you feel with a therapist help? You may find there is a bit of a web underneath it all that needs untangling.

Original poster
Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 09:55

I don’t know, I’m not very good at physical affection with anyone bar my children and even that doesn’t come naturally.
I don’t feel I’m particularly good at making longer term connections with people generally or saying how I feel about things. I loathe loathe loathe crying in front of anyone else. In fact I don’t think friends I’ve known for 25 years or so have ever seen me cry. Similarly I’m uncomfortable with people being emotional with me as well.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 30/04/2019 10:05

Some people are asexual, probably more people than admit it - hence why so many people choose to live alone later in life out of choice (when you are young you are swept along with societal expectations to marry and procreate). You are married so I'm guessing not happily?

I'm wondering if I will be happier living alone? I'm not gay but can't be bothered with men!

bridgetreilly · 30/04/2019 10:21

So you've only ever been attracted to one person. Is that your husband? If so, that's great. Focus on him and enjoy the relationship you have. It really is okay to not be constantly lusting after other people. You can just be you.

If it's not your husband, that's more problematic, obviously.

Original poster
Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 10:32

No, sadly not.
Actually thinking back I’ve had fleeting attractions to women irl but only very very fleeting.

OP posts:
M3lon · 30/04/2019 10:39

The problem here is the expectation placed on people by society.

Its actually okay not to get involved in whirlwind romance, to be constantly swept off your feet by your latest crush blah blah blah.

Its just another of the lies being sold by the world in general that in order to be happy, be complete, be fulfilled you have to be in and out of love all the time.

Fuck societal expectations is my advice....its hard, but once you realise nobody but you can know what you need to feel happy its much better.

People who get a benefit from relationships with other people will make those relationships. People who don't aren't missing out, they are just getting benefit from different things in different ways.

Its like say you really don't much like strawberries. But EVERYONE else loves them! They are all wow but strawberries are awesome they make me feel so happy! You are so missing out because you don;t like them!

But of course you aren't. There's no point you eating them just to fit in, and you personally don't get any benefit from eating them...so you don't miss out when you don't eat them.

Just be yourself basically, don;t really on others to tell you how to be happy.

M3lon · 30/04/2019 10:40

well that was incoherent...must get myself a coffee or something.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/04/2019 10:44

It is hard to tell. I had doubts about my sexuality. I thought I could be gay, I was really attracted to women, until I went for it, not fully but enough to see it was not for me.
Can you see a sex therapist to discuss in detail.

starbrightnight · 30/04/2019 10:46

Great thread. That made sense to me, mln

starbrightnight · 30/04/2019 10:55

I'm pretty sure I would be lesbian if I'd been able to follow my instincts in my early teens. First love was a girl, then crushes on girls, then men began to notice me and they took over.

Now I know I love people, irrespective of their gender. It's their personality more than physicality that attracts me.

I've loved men, and have been married for decades to a man I love. But if I'm ever single again I will be seeking out female friends who want a close friendship. Men friends, yes, but not as a partner.

IsYourGoogleBroken · 30/04/2019 10:58

Are you going to leave your husband?

Loftyswops988 · 30/04/2019 11:12

I used to think there was something wrong with me as I didn't fancy guys in the same way i felt all of my friends did. After a situation with a woman i had all those feelings rush at once, and it all clicked in to place that I'm gay.

It could be that you're gay but as you say you could also be asexual

starbrightnight · 30/04/2019 11:14

Me? No. I love him and have adult dc and am very settled and I wouldn't disrupt all our lives. But if I am widowed, which is likely eventually, I would not let society's expectations steer my life now, in the way it did when I was young.

Back then I felt powerless to resist, and I am lucky in that I am just generally a sexual being, not bi or straight or homo, so society's expectations didn't squash me too hard into a shape I wasn't. It was one life path I went down. If I was young today I would explore the other paths not travelled.

LagunaBubbles · 30/04/2019 11:18

So it sounds as if you are married to a man you aren't attracted to or in love with? I would be doing something about that first.

Justheretosee · 30/04/2019 11:19

So are you still married ? Are you happy in this marriage? Is it possible that you aren’t happy with your husband and whether that be because you are gay or not it’s that you are unhappy?

slashlover · 30/04/2019 12:24

I’ve heard of people being asexual. Is that just not finding anyone attractive at all? How depressing.

It's not actually, but thanks for the judgement. Asexuality means that you're not sexually attracted to someone, it does not necessarily mean that you don't have sex or that you can't fall in love. There's also demi-sexuality where you can be attracted to someone but you have to know them well beforehand.

You said that you were with someone when you were with someone for 2 years when you were 17 but you're now mid 30s and married 15 years. Was your marriage soon after your 2 year relationship ended?

If you don't love and are not attracted to your husband then you need to end that relationship before thinking of anything else.

Yardley42 · 30/04/2019 14:13

Try looking up demisexual, OP. It's needing an emotional attraction before the physical kicks in.

Original poster
Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 16:05

I didn’t mean to offend re the being asexual. I just personally find it quite depressing not being attracted to anyone.

I don’t think demisexual fits me as actually I’m more likely to be vaguely attracted to someone until I know them and then I go off them. I think that’s why I only ever feel attracted to people on tv etc. I don’t really know them so they are never anything less than perfect.

I am very very lonely.

OP posts:
DumbleDamn · 30/04/2019 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.