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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to help me to figure this out...am I gay?

47 replies

Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 09:34

This might be long so bear with me. It’s taken me a while and a fair bit of courage to even post it anonymously on mumsnet.

I’m mid 30s so not young and I’ve been married for 15 years. In my whole life I’ve only ever been attracted to one person (male) in real life which is pretty depressing in itself. I’ve been attracted to mainly female celebrities but I don’t know if it’s more in a wanting to look like them way? I’m not sure. I’ve never really found any male well known people attractive.

So I find myself mid 30s and feeling incredibly lonely. It seems weird to only have been attracted to one person in real life ever. That’s not normal is it? It’s such a lonely lonely place to be and I’m getting old fast now, it feels like time is running out for me to experience that sort of attraction. I would say I’ve only been in love once too (with the same guy) but I was only 17 at the time and we were together for just over 2 years so I was young.

I’ve heard of people being asexual. Is that just not finding anyone attractive at all? How depressing. I sort of lean to thinking I might be gay but then I don’t find any women irl attractive - I mean I can see if someone is pretty but I don’t feel attracted to them.

I’m quite depressed and I think this is what might be at the root of it but I don’t know what to do about it.

OP posts:

slashlover · 30/04/2019 17:11

OP are you still married? Have you talked with anyone IRL about how you feel?

I'm asexual and don't get sexual attraction but I do get sort of non-sexual crushes on actors/actresses and TV characters. It's someone who I would love to get to know or who I admire. They can be called 'squishes' in Ase forums but I don't want to have sex with them or fantasise about them.

Whatsallthisaboutthen · 30/04/2019 17:26

OP, this is all very familiar and I’ve recently come out-you’re welcome to PM me if you’d like to chat.

Purpleartichoke · 30/04/2019 17:33

I am a bit confused. You say you are married and have been since your early 20s. Is your spouse not a good companion? Is it just a lack of sexual attraction.

Omzlas · 30/04/2019 17:59

You could simply be curious, about 'what lies beyond'

I had a same sex relationship that I sort of fell into, and ended up leaving 6 years and a black eye later (story for another day). I knew after a year or so that I wasn't happy but stuck with it. We didn't split because of gender / sex, it was far more complicated than that. The point I'm trying to make is that I suspect I was curious and found an outlet for that curiosity, I was in an unhappy relationship and thought I'd found my niche.

If you're married, I assume that either talking about leaving your husband, cheating, or pursuing this avenue with his permission. I'd just ask you to consider this really carefully. Is your relationship a bit stale and you've been giving this headspace? Are you unhappy in your marriage?

TeenTitans · 30/04/2019 18:42

"Demisexual" is a thing, which is what I am. I don't feel sexual attraction based on appearance, I can't ever see anyone and just feel attracted to them. There has to be a strong bond beforehand. Is that something like you?

Writersblock2 · 30/04/2019 21:25

I get this. I’m dealing with similar. I’m not sure how to articulate it either. I’m married (to a male) and ive mostly only been with males, but a lot of my attraction is to females. If pressed, I’ve always said I was bisexual. I’m starting to think general societal expectations have done a number on me. I grew up not knowing any lesbians (apart from the stereotypical masculine lesbians; my parents and everyone surrounding me made it clear they were the lesbians and we “knew” because they were butch. It doesn’t matter that I know intellectually this is rubbish), and it’s only in my adult life that I’ve met the odd one. I’ve known far more gay men.

What a previous pp said also resonates - that I’ve spent my whole life (as all women are) objectified and sexualised. You grow up learning to play that role.

I read an article today (magazine lying around the breakroom called “You” - think it’s a newspaper supplement) about how many more women were realising they were gay in the 30s, 40s and even 50s than ever before.

I’m still trying to figure this stuff out.

Bottledate · 30/04/2019 21:54

Although I think many of the labels used nowadays are unnecessary and verging on the ridiculous, I guess I would be a demisexual pansexual: I've only been 'in love' once (with a man) but have had non-sexual crushes on both men and women.

Original poster

Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 21:59

Yes writers me too. I’m wondering if I’ve just gone along with the plan which for me (and most of my friends) was go to sixth form, go to university, get into a long term heterosexual relationship, get married, have kids...
I’ve plenty of gay male friends but only know one lesbian couple yet there must be as many gay women as men? Is it more acceptable to be a gay man? I don’t know.
Thing is even if - IF - I were to blow our lives apart (and sometimes in the small hours I consider it, such is this gap in my life - so huge that I don’t know if I can live with it) what if I never meet a woman either?? It’s so much more complicated and by my age most people are in relationships anyway.
I’ve settled once, I wouldn’t want to settle again. Not that I’m any great catch 😂 but I often feel like I’d be better living with any one of my friends than dh on an emotional / friendship level.

OP posts:

ShawshanksRedemption · 30/04/2019 21:59

It seems to be you're sexually attracted to women as you admit you fantasise about them sexually. However I would ask what do you think holds you back? IS there anything in your past, maybe as you were growing up, that could be stifling your feelings (whether gay/straight/bi etc)?

Bottledate · 30/04/2019 22:02

When you talk about being lonely, OP, do you mean you lack general friends or a 'special someone'? Or someone to have sex with?

As a teenager I used to put celebrity posters on my walls like my friends, but never really 'fancied' any of them. I've never seen anyone (of either sex) and instantly thought I'd like to shag them. I do, however, wish I had more people to hang out with and chat to generally.

Original poster

Hidinginplainsight85 · 30/04/2019 22:07

I’m pretty sure my parents would disown me if I came out as gay or even bisexual.

I am lonely in my marriage, it is very much not even a friendship.

OP posts:

starbrightnight · 30/04/2019 23:21

This article: www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-6936691/Whats-fuelling-rise-later-life-lesbians-asks-Lotte-Jeffs.html

starbrightnight · 30/04/2019 23:28

I know that will be my path in the future, and it might be too late but with the memories of cherished girlfriends from my youth, and the loving family life I've built from the wreckage of my own childhood I'm prepared to take that chance.

But it is an undeniable comfort to know where I'm headed when or if I find myself on my own.

Osirus · 30/04/2019 23:40

I’ve never heard of demisexual before- this is definitely me and I always wondered why I never had regular crushes on boys at school (when I was a teenager), or on men as I grew up. I could never join in with my friends at school discussing who they fancied etc, as I felt nothing for anyone. This changed when I started to get to know people. I’ve never felt attracted to anyone just on what they look like.

TeenTitans · 01/05/2019 05:31

Osirus my experience was identical to that. I've never understood fancying someone you don't know!

Longtalljosie · 01/05/2019 05:36

I think you need to work out whether you want to stay in your marriage first. After that, who you’re in a relationship with next.

Original poster

Hidinginplainsight85 · 01/05/2019 13:21

I know...
I don’t want to hurt my family or my children but I feel driven to explore this.
Maybe I just need some more hobbies, a distraction.

OP posts:

StarlightLady · 01/05/2019 13:50

Hetrosexual? Bisexual? I don’t adopt a prefix, I just see myself as sexual and suggest you do to.

As for family disowning you, my personal motto has always been “Respect, libertine sexuality, passion, discretion and privacy”.

Writersblock2 · 01/05/2019 14:23

To answer some of your points from your response to me:

I think it’s more acceptable to be a sexual man, period. Women are taught how to be sexualised, not sexual beings in their own right. Trying to untangle that, regardless of your sexuality, is a minefield in itself. I think for me, part of the attraction of being with a woman is the idea that i might be able to shake off the idea of what I am meant to be, and discover who I really am.

I also understand the conflict of what to do when there isn’t a woman waiting to go TO. Marriage is complicated, and the pragmatic side of me thinks that a lot of marriages become little more than an arrangement that (mostly) benefits both parties in various ways. To unpick a shared life with someone, and all of the daily components that involves, is no small task, either on a physical level or an emotional one.

I personally don’t see a problem with exploring who you might be whilst being married. I’m not suggesting cheating (your mileage may vary) but perhaps just spending time around women in a general context, speaking to other women, exploring some of the issues you’ve raised here, and your feelings.

We aren’t static, we change across our lives. I think part of that is sexuality, and I don’t think sexuality is just about which bits you want to grind together. It’s okay to give yourself the labels, but it’s also okay to just be “you” and all that may or may not entail on any given day.

Jodie571 · 01/05/2019 21:24

I don’t see the issue if you’re attracted to your partner and not considering cheating.Why does it matter who else you’re attracted to and their gender? Anyone in a relationship would have to be blind to not find other people attractive. It’s life

They’re on tv so it’s not really relevant.

Original poster

Hidinginplainsight85 · 02/05/2019 07:55

I’m not attracted to my partner and never have been.

I’m pretty sure I am gay but I can’t ever imagine saying it to anyone I know in real life. However I feel like it’s getting to the point where I’m not sure how much longer I can squash it either.

OP posts:

QueenBeex · 03/05/2019 11:19

You don't have to hide who you are. Your happiness is important too.

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