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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by this

50 replies

Butterflyone1 · 29/04/2019 19:11

I’m not sure if I’m being extra sensitive or whether I have a right to be upset.

I had an operation last week so I know I am feeling quite sensitive but last night I went to dinner with DP. We had bickered a little bit but mainly it was in a jovial way.

I had a scab on my hand from where I scraped it and it was half on/off. Anyways he asked to see my hand and I said please don’t pull the scab as it’s sore. Well he pulled it off, it bled and was really quite sore.

I was so angry at him. He was laughing and said it couldn’t have hurt that much. Well obviously I was off with him the rest of the night and we’ve just spoken and I explained again how upset I was that he did something that felt intentional to hurt me.

He laughed at me and I just said stop laughing as you’re belittling me to which he continued laughing so I put the phone down.

I know it feels really trivial but I’m shocked by how lack of compassion he’s showed me. He knows I’m terrible with pain and still in pain from the operation so I don’t understand why he’d be like this.

Usually our relationship is great. He does have a habit of not acknowledging how I’m feeling at times (typical man up moments) but overall he’s good.

Tell me to stop being a wimp please.

OP posts:

PinkGlitter123 · 29/04/2019 19:12

Definitely not being oversensitive. 😐

Pipandmum · 29/04/2019 19:15

I don’t get how someone who is in a relationship with you could intentionally hurt you then disregard your feelings. Be honest with yourself - you already know this relationship is on its way out.

misskatamari · 29/04/2019 19:18

That's really horrible of him. Anyone with a shred of decency would be apologising and feeling awful about doing such a stupid mean thing. His reaction and total lack of remorse or care is really shitty. I wouldn't be with someone who treated me like this.

Topseyt · 29/04/2019 19:19

You are not being oversensitive at all. He had absolutely no right whatsoever to do that.

If he was overall good then he wouldn't have even considered it, so you need to let go of that notion right now.

What else will he eventually do that physically hurts you for his entertainment? Something will happen in the future. I wouldn't be sure he could be trusted again.

Original poster

Butterflyone1 · 29/04/2019 19:26

Thanks for the replies. You’re right it was pretty shitty. I like it think it wasn’t to intentionally hurt me but it’s the belittling afterwards that I’m so shocked with.

He has since apologised and said he’d never intentionally hurt me and he didn’t mean to belittle me but I’m still massively annoyed.

OP posts:

PinkGlitter123 · 29/04/2019 19:29

The fact is he disregarded your feelings. I dont like the sound of this at all.

livefornaps · 29/04/2019 19:30

Wait til he's sleeping and then kick him in the nuts. Then tell him "it can't be that bad"

Also get out - he has no empathy and thinks he knows best what others feel even when the other person contradicts him. ALARM BELLS

QueenBeex · 29/04/2019 19:31

I'd be annoyed too!

whywhywhy6 · 29/04/2019 19:33

He’s a dick head. I’d be fuming.

JonSlow · 29/04/2019 19:36

You told him not to do it, because it would hurt.

He then did it and laughed.

And yet somehow he didn’t mean to intentionally hurt you?

Jesus - he knew exactly what he was doing. There was every intent to do it. It will escalate.

SignedUpJust4This · 29/04/2019 19:38

This is the sort of dickish thing my DH & I do to each other but if I was genuinely upset he would apologise profusely.

I understand that it's the lack of compassion he has shown towards you after the op and him not respecting your physical boundaries that has really upset you more than the actual pain (which is still pretty bad by the sounds of it).

The fact that he hasn't apologised or shown any compassion and continues to minimise your feelings is really shitty.

Let him know he's a twat if he doesn't realise this.

SignedUpJust4This · 29/04/2019 19:39

How long have you been together?

Original poster

Butterflyone1 · 29/04/2019 19:47

Thanks again. Honestly usually he’s pretty good. We both do stupid things to each other but I think I was more shocked with his reaction afterwards. He has since apologised. He said sorry afterwards when he could see he’s upset me but you know when it feels empty. Then today’s he’s apologised again but the fact he laughed shows yesterday’s apology was BS.

We’re together only 18 months.

OP posts:

SignedUpJust4This · 29/04/2019 19:51

If this was a new relationship I'd consider this a red flag. He has shown no respect for your physical boundaries and refused to accept he made a mistake. Maybe it's just a one off bad decision but you aren't wrong to be upset.

goldenchicken · 29/04/2019 19:54

Even if it was a sharp fart you did that pinched on the way out, he shouldn't mock and laugh if something hurt you.

What a prick!

Tell him you were really hurt by his attitude!

TheTrollFairy · 29/04/2019 19:55

I would be really pissed off if someone did it to me. Not only is it grim it can also bloody hurt!

MrsPandigital · 29/04/2019 19:58

Oh my goodness... Is he usually so horrible? I can't believe someone would do that to you, especially your partner. Eurgh.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 29/04/2019 20:03

Wow, it's like he's punishing you for getting sick.

Original poster

Butterflyone1 · 29/04/2019 20:05

Thanks for the replies. At least I know I’m not the only one that thinks this way. I might show him this thread! I’m sure it was just a one off.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 29/04/2019 20:06

18 months?

Then you dump.

You got a flash of the real him there. This is about the right time for it to start - the best behaviour days are over, the real underbelly, the bits of himself he wouldn't have shown in front of you until he's sure enough (or so he thinks) of things being settled and you being a sure bet, will now start poking their heads up.

If you'd said you've been together 5 years through thick and thin - my reply would be different.

But 18 months is still getting to know you territory.

Yep he hurt you deliberately just for a little kick. You know he did.

Sit down and really have a think about his thought processes there, and try and imagine yourself doing the same, the little edge of callousness and sadism you'd have to have in order to do it.

Then dump him, really. Don't waste any more time. Is he the most evil man on earth? Probably not. Is he good enough? Definitely not.

Cherrysoup · 29/04/2019 20:07

He'd never intentionally hurt you? But he did. He made you bleed and did something you asked him not to. What else does he do that you don't want him to?

WhoWants2Know · 29/04/2019 20:09

Even apart from being nasty, it's just a bloody weird thing to do.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/04/2019 20:10

I’m sure it was just a one off.

Why, though? Why would he do that?

What you say there doesn't make sense.

He's either kind and trustworthy and gentle, in which case he wouldn't have deliberately done something to cause you pain when you'd asked not to, or he isn't - in which case it's not really likely to be a one off.

The laughing and mocking is the real issue.

Why stay with that? Why accept that? How on earth does it make it ok or better to say it's just a one-off? It doesn't, unless you're genuinely trying to convince yourself that he had an out of body experience!

If he was the nice person you would like him to be this episode would. not. have. happened.

You've just had an operation fgs. I'm not going to go any further down the road of describing why that's probably exactly why he couldn't resist a bit of cruelty now, because you were vulnerable, so it's leaked out a bit - I'm just going to leave it there, and say, get rid.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/04/2019 20:15

You were feeling a bit down, sensitive.

You specifically asked him not to do something - he did it anyway

You specifically told him it would hurt - he did it anyway

It bled YOU BLED - he laughed

You explained - he laughed

You explained again - he belittled you

You withdrew - he apologized

Read that again... only when you withdrew did he change his behaviour, make any attempt to ameliorate his behaviour.

I can't think of anything more repulsive than a partner who finds hurting me, physically it emotionally, a source of amusement.

After 18 months he has shown his hand a little too early. You won't lose much when you walk away!

specterlitt · 29/04/2019 20:17

You're not being a wimp and you're not being over-sensitive. What he did isn't very nice, but I would hope and I hope you know too that it was not done in any malicious manner. Unfortunately, sometimes we don't realise how we affect others by our actions, especially when we consider them to not be a "big deal".

When you feel a little calmer, explain to him how it made you feel and I hope he apologises and tells you he was being daft and loves you etc.

I'm sorry you're hurting, I wish you a speedy recovery. Don't let this upset you too much, focus on your health and getting better - that is important right now.

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