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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by this

50 replies

Butterflyone1 · 29/04/2019 19:11

I’m not sure if I’m being extra sensitive or whether I have a right to be upset.

I had an operation last week so I know I am feeling quite sensitive but last night I went to dinner with DP. We had bickered a little bit but mainly it was in a jovial way.

I had a scab on my hand from where I scraped it and it was half on/off. Anyways he asked to see my hand and I said please don’t pull the scab as it’s sore. Well he pulled it off, it bled and was really quite sore.

I was so angry at him. He was laughing and said it couldn’t have hurt that much. Well obviously I was off with him the rest of the night and we’ve just spoken and I explained again how upset I was that he did something that felt intentional to hurt me.

He laughed at me and I just said stop laughing as you’re belittling me to which he continued laughing so I put the phone down.

I know it feels really trivial but I’m shocked by how lack of compassion he’s showed me. He knows I’m terrible with pain and still in pain from the operation so I don’t understand why he’d be like this.

Usually our relationship is great. He does have a habit of not acknowledging how I’m feeling at times (typical man up moments) but overall he’s good.

Tell me to stop being a wimp please.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 29/04/2019 20:21

Why the fuck would you stay with someone who hurts you?

He doesn’t sound very nice - or normal.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 29/04/2019 20:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Butterymuffin · 29/04/2019 20:22

He does have a habit of not acknowledging how I’m feeling at times

I'm reading this as: he's great, as long as your feelings are convenient to him and meet his preferences. The scab is what can happen when they don't/ aren't.

Original poster

Butterflyone1 · 29/04/2019 20:23

Thanks all again for your replies. I know what he did wasn’t nice at all but would people honestly dump someone over this?

I think people do silly things to one another and you just have to learn from them.

Thanks specterlitt for your reply. Really helpful and kind.

OP posts:

LostInAction · 29/04/2019 20:24

This just reminds me of how my dm would burn my hand with the teaspoon when making a hot drink or creep up behind me to push the back of my knees and make me collapse
It’s not nice. Don’t put up with it

category12 · 29/04/2019 20:24

I think there will be more of this if you stick around for it. Take heed.

Lemonsquinky · 29/04/2019 20:25

What a shit. How did he think it wouldn't hurt? He's not ever in his life come across scabs?
When someone tells you who they are, listen.

FurrySlipperBoots · 29/04/2019 20:26

He sounds downright nasty.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who did this to me. But then honestly I have impossibly high standards - I would far rather be single than be in a relationship like that. BUT you did say you do these sorts of things to each other, so up to you whether you set the boundaries now and continue with the relationship, or end things.

category12 · 29/04/2019 20:27

"Silly things" do not equal literally poking someone's wound and laughing about it. That's sadism.

Bearsleuth · 29/04/2019 20:27

Another thread...another cruel /selfish bloke.

Get rid. Seriously. No-one needs anyone in their life who hurts them deliberately. And then to mock you afterwards. What a nasty twunt.

If he'd been joking around and pretending to pull off your scab and then accidentally done it - the correct reaction would have been to be mortified and hugely apologised. I would have expected a normal, loving reaction. The fact that he didn't speaks volumes.

fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 20:29

no, this is not typical 'man behaviour' that is insulting to millions of decent men ! he doesn't really love you does he if he's bullying you because this is what it is.
another asking why are you with him ?

CoffeeConnoisseur · 29/04/2019 20:36

He asked to see your hand.

You asked him not to touch the scan as it was sore.

He pulled it off. He made you bleed. He hurt you.

And then he laughed at you.

Does he torture kittens in his spare time? Because he sounds like a psychopath.

namechangel · 29/04/2019 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bearsleuth · 29/04/2019 20:44

Why did you have to tell him not to touch your scab, by the way? I would never have thought to say that to my DH - or anyone else for that matter.

It is odd that you felt the need to say that to him.

namechangel · 29/04/2019 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 29/04/2019 20:47

He's a wrong 'un. This sort of thing doesn't get any better and he won't magically develop empathy. He might pretend to if you withdraw enough, but how you feel is never going to truly matter to him.

Thunderspuds · 29/04/2019 20:54

I once dumped someone I was seeing because I'd told him I was worried about my front tooth as it was painful and inflamed. He asked to look at it and I was a bit reluctant but thought, "maybe he's had similar pain and will know what's causing it". But he then grabbed my tooth and pulled it REALLY hard, like he was a dentist trying to pull it out. I reacted along the lines of, "you f*ing dick, why did you do that?" He laughed and told me that my problem was that I couldn't take a joke. I don't to this day understand what motivates someone to do that sort of thing. It was weird and creepy.

Bearsleuth · 29/04/2019 20:55

I couldn't be in a relationship where I was anticipating them causing me pain and I had to ask them not to. This is not normal. It is not banter.

Think about how many people you know, that if they asked to see an injury, you would also have to ask them not to touch it/hurt you.

The fact is that not only is this a fucking weird thing to have to ask, he then ignored you, hurt you and mocked you afterwards as well.

Yes, OP, I would get rid.

SunshineCake · 29/04/2019 21:25

Why would you show him this thread? If you think he'll listen to strangers rather than you then it's no relationship and you should dump his pathetic arse.

Original poster

Butterflyone1 · 29/04/2019 21:25

I’ve dated complete psychopaths before so I guess I just saw this as a horrible one off.

I think we’ve all done things without thinking about the consequences before but it’s definitely his reaction afterwards that hurt me the most.

He’s early 40s and I’m early 30s so it’s not like he’s a child. I said to him would he have done that to his kids and again he said it’s just a scab (but wouldn’t say no he wouldn’t do it which he never would have to his kids).

OP posts:

category12 · 29/04/2019 21:54

Do you think your boundaries might be a bit skewed from previous relationships?

specterlitt · 29/04/2019 23:02

@butteryfly1 Thanks specterlitt for your reply. Really helpful and kind.

You're most welcome.

Please don't get upset by those that tell you to leave him immediately and that he must be awful and so forth. You know your relationship better than any of us and this once incident is not a substantial insight into it.

However, saying that, if there is ever cause of concern for his behaviour, never settle and allow yourself to be hurt emotionally or physically. No one ever deserves that.

As I mentioned before, he was probably being daft and didn't really realise what the consequence would be. Yes he's an adult, but we all make silly judgements and errors no matter what our age.

Speak to him and I hope he does apologise and acknowledge that what he did wasn't pleasant. Once he does, ask him for a cheeky treat and focus on yourself and getting better. Your health and recovery is vital. I hope it all works out and wish you the best.

EKGEMS · 29/04/2019 23:05

I'm a registered nurse and I would tear a new one into a visitor who behaved in this manner to my patient-hell I'd call security and get them bounced out and banned from the hospital! Utterly unacceptable behavior.

cuppycakey · 29/04/2019 23:05

said he’d never intentionally hurt me

But he did exactly that.

I’ve dated complete psychopaths before

This does not surprise me.

Andromeida59 · 29/04/2019 23:14

How you behave as a couple when one of you is sick is a very telling way of their behaviour. If you're sick and he physically hurts you on purpose and belittles you then things will not get better. Honestly, I would LTB. Just reading your post made me feel physically sick.
You deserve better OP.

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