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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU (reg IVF, trigger warning)

38 replies

captainmarvella · 29/04/2019 18:49

Friend 1: Doctor says I can’t take clomid anymore, No more IVF. I grew up with brothers. My daughter would love a sibling. I feel like such a failure. Why is God so unfair?

Friend 2: I am going to say it out loud because I have seen you suffering for so long - Your daughter can still have a sibling. Why don’t you consider adopting? There are so many orphans who’d be lucky to have you as a mom.

Friend 1: You are happily child free. You will never understand, it’s useless to even talk to you. (Cuts contact)

Who is being U? I am asking the MN community because I have no clue how to proceed in the discussion (I don’t have kids yet). These two are my close friends and they are venting to me privately about how stupid the other person is Confused

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 29/04/2019 18:52

The worst thing you could ever say to someone going through IVF is "why don't you consider adoption"...

Ffs.

Also Clomid is the step before IVF, to try and beat the odds of catching an egg or to make someone ovulate who doesn't normally, so your 'situation' doesn't even make sense.

Juanaiguana · 29/04/2019 18:53

Friend 2 was out of order

Damntheman · 29/04/2019 18:54

Good grief that is some amazingly tactless behaviour from friend two.

hammeringinmyhead · 29/04/2019 18:56

Telling someone to adopt who is struggling with fertility, like they don't know the option exists, is the ultimate patronising response.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 29/04/2019 18:56

It could have been worse; it could have been "Why don't you adopt, then you're sure to conceive."

That one is utterly awful.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/04/2019 18:57

The friend who suggested adoption is an idiot- adoption is for people who want to adopt.

Original poster
captainmarvella · 29/04/2019 19:01

I know what I want to Say to Friend 2: “She is coming to terms with secondary infertility and may not be ready to even listen to other options, so it may be best to send her an apology... if she does not accept it, perhaps just leave her alone for now.” Does that sound okay?

And to be honest I don’t know what to tell Friend 1, really. I don’t want to say something about child free people not understanding how tough it is for others. I know some point in the future these two will make up and talk about this do I don’t want to be collateral damage...

OP posts:
FuzzyLilac · 29/04/2019 19:06

I think calling friend 2 an idiot is unfair.

I think when you are faced with a situation you have no experience of most people try to see a positive in an attempt to be kind.

I think friend 1 was rude.

I see it a lot on ttc threads. Its seems that some women feel they have the right to be rude mad and angry at the world because they are sadly suffering. Everyone around them must walk on eggshells and not discuss children/get pregnant/discuss pregnancy.

Of course friend 1 does not want to be told to adopt but it seems unless you are on mn and know to follow the strict rules you will fall foul.

Stormwhale · 29/04/2019 19:11

I think you say nothing. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Stay out of it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 29/04/2019 19:12

F2 was a bit tactless but sounds like she was trying to be kind, F1 was rude.

I agree with FuzzyLilac that as awful as infertility is, it is not a reason to be a knob.

ApplestheHare · 29/04/2019 19:13

I'd stay out of it if I were you but friend 2 obviously has no clue. I feel sorry for friend 1.

PossiblyPFB · 29/04/2019 19:18

Friend 2 was incredibly thoughtless in her comment, however well intentioned it was.

Infertility / Secondary infertility is breathtakingly painful in a very specific way. To have someone solutionise and throw adoption at you when it isn’t your desire is really condescending.

Friend 2 should genuinely apologise to Friend 1 for being flippant and thoughtless in her response. TBH If she’s happily child free perhaps she’s not aware how she’s offended.

FannyWork · 29/04/2019 19:19

Friend 2 was rude and ignorant. Perhaps she ought to find out a few basic facts about modern adoption before telling other people that’s what they should do.

Adoption is not a service for people who want to increase the size of their family but can’t to go and pick up a cute newborn baby. Anybody who thinks that’s how adoption works has no business dishing out advice on adoption.

Original poster
captainmarvella · 29/04/2019 19:24

Friend 2 - “I know she is hurting! I am only trying to be a good friend, make her see that there are other options. Why blame God, when he is not the one stopping you from bringing another child into your life? You get what I’m saying, right?”

Friend 1: “I can’t believe she can be so insensitive. She thinks just because her brother had a child through surrogacy everyone should try it, as if I’m shopping for clothes. She will never get how painful this is for me. I don’t think I should be around her anymore.”

And so on. My head hurts.

OP posts:
NoHolidaysforyou · 29/04/2019 19:29

People should not suggest adoption imo. It's not like your just suggesting that they go buy a new pair of shoes. Adoption is a serious ordeal that often is full of tragedy and needs the right person to be passionate in order for it to be healthy for the child who is adopted. I have seen cases where women have adopted and look at the children as plasters for the ones they couldn't have, there isn't an emotional bond of a mother/child there and it is very psychologically damaging. The mother still pursues having a bio child and the adopted child feels unwanted. It's just so wrong and people should never suggest adoption as a consolation prize for the biological child that wasn't created.

IvanaPee · 29/04/2019 19:30

Well, you say:

“I don’t want to get caught in the middle of it”, surely?

I’d imagine friend 2 is like me. I have never understood the desperation behind IVF. I have dc but had a health scare that led to us thinking I mightn’t conceive, and I just never had that gut-wrenching want or need to conceive.

Admittedly I’m always Hmm at how awful the behaviour of women TTC is in these scenarios, and how there’s a school of thought that says they can say/do/get away with anything they want.

Especially with secondary infertility.

BUT...I wouldn’t be insensitive enough to say “so what” or something to a TTC friend. And I know not to say about adoption etc mostly from being on here and having a cousin go through it.

Maybe friend 2 didn’t have that sounding board so genuinely thought she was being helpful?

Either way, you’d be mad to involve yourself.

Ewitsahooman · 29/04/2019 19:32

Friend 2 needs to realise that adopting children is not a consolation prize for people unable to conceive their own children. Once she realises this she ought to apologise for being so insensitive.

Yes, people say crap things when they're not sure how to be kind about a difficult situation but that doesn't make it right and it doesn't mean we should all accept it - a shitty comment is a shitty comment no matter how well intended it was.

Friend 1 will probably simmer down once Friend 2 removes her foots from her mouth.

In the meanwhile, stay out of it unless you enjoy stress and passing messages Grin

FuzzyLilac · 29/04/2019 19:35

Sorry OP but I find women like your friend 1 very difficult.

I dont think friend 2 owes her an apology at all.

My Sil struggled to conceive and i was basically ordered to hide my pregnancy. We would spend weekends with my in laws and her and her dh pretending my morning sickness and huge belly did not exist.

I would unknowingly say the wrong thing and frankly my being there made her unpleasant.
It was an awful thing to do to somebody yet she had everyones sympathy and support. I was hushed away like a nasty secret.

Mitzicoco · 29/04/2019 19:37

Sounds like you need to have a group hug. Nobody was being malicious were they? Group hug therefore required.

Papergirl1968 · 29/04/2019 19:39

Adopter here and need to just point out that the vast majority of kids up for adoption in the UK are not orphans. They've usually been taken off birth families after months or years of abuse and/or neglect, may well have had several foster carers, and almost all have a range of issues, behavioural problems etc.

maddening · 29/04/2019 19:42

To friend 2: she wasn't asking your advice, she needed your support as a friend. You may want to say something to make it better or help her deal with it but that is not what she needs. You cannot understand how she feels so all you can do is accept it is ripping her up inside and there is no cure.

To friend 1: she was trying to help in a clumsy, uninformed way, she cannot understand what you feel. It is totally normal when faced with someone you love in so much pain to try and fix it, but she can't and nothing she can say or do can fix it, accept she is just human and has made a human error, it has not come from a bad place, it is only that she cares. What you are going through is so painful don't push away the people that love you and are there for you when they make a clumsy fuck up of trying to help

FuzzyLilac · 29/04/2019 19:47

Perfect mad Flowers

Original poster
captainmarvella · 29/04/2019 19:48

Fuzzylilac, that sounds terrible I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope to have kids one day and can’t imagine what I’d do if I’m made to ‘hide’ my pregnancy :-(

Papergirl, We live in India. I don’t know about the topic at all but most kids in the care homes are usually orphans...

Yes I know I should not get involved. But I’m sadly the designated mediator... plus I love these two, they are my only friends right now (others living abroad etc) so I think I’m also being selfish in trying to make things right for us to still have our regular cafe meets and annual trips Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
captainmarvella · 29/04/2019 19:50

Maddening, great, I’m going to copy your words thanks!

OP posts:
CloudRusting · 29/04/2019 19:53

Friend 2 seems to think it is still the 1950s with lots of perfect newborns available for adoption by any steady married couple who can offer a home.
Whereas these days children will almost always be older and many will have notable issues to contend with from their pregnancies and/or how they were parents before being removed and the process is rigorous and intrusive to be approved.