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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU (reg IVF, trigger warning)

38 replies

captainmarvella · 29/04/2019 18:49

Friend 1: Doctor says I can’t take clomid anymore, No more IVF. I grew up with brothers. My daughter would love a sibling. I feel like such a failure. Why is God so unfair?

Friend 2: I am going to say it out loud because I have seen you suffering for so long - Your daughter can still have a sibling. Why don’t you consider adopting? There are so many orphans who’d be lucky to have you as a mom.

Friend 1: You are happily child free. You will never understand, it’s useless to even talk to you. (Cuts contact)

Who is being U? I am asking the MN community because I have no clue how to proceed in the discussion (I don’t have kids yet). These two are my close friends and they are venting to me privately about how stupid the other person is

OP posts:

FuzzyLilac · 29/04/2019 19:55

I had grown older and wiser by pregnancy 2 and although i did not rub it in her face i did not hide it either.
She is a lovely women in all honesty but her infertility made her nasty and selfish.
I have told her this 15 years later and she says she hated herself so much at the time she hated everyone but especially me. She has apologised and we have a very good relationship now.

blighter · 29/04/2019 19:58

posters who think friend 1 was rude are the sort i would have run a mile from when i was in the grip secondary infertility. the painful insensitive dismissive comments were sure to have come from those type of mind sets. no fucking idea as to what it feels like

Lifeover · 29/04/2019 20:00

Friend 2 is an idiot. Presumably it friend 1s secondary infertility isn’t something you’ve just found out about. A quick google would tell friend 2 not to do the following

Not say just stop trying/relax it will happen

Not say have you tried...,,,

To not say have you thought about adoption

Secondary infertility is shit, you don’t belong anywhere. Families with more than one pass judgement, constantly bemoan how difficult having more than one is and you have it easy )yeah bet you don’t feel suicidal at the inability to provide a sibling your child begs you for).

People with primary infertility constantly tell you you have no right to grieve. Secondary infertility brings many different but equally difficult challanges. Studies show infertility related depression affects both groups equally.

If a friend is suffering it up to that persons friend to find out about the thing they are struggling with to offer support.

Friend 1 is right. Friend 2 has no idea and it doesn’t look like she’s made much effort to understand

IvanaPee · 29/04/2019 20:11

That’s unfair on friend 2, I think.

Honestly, and I really don’t mean to sound insensitive about infertility but some women (and it is just women) who are TTC can be really, really nasty, mean, vindictive, and very, very selfish.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they have to be all sunshine and rainbows but one only has to read some threads on here about people on the receiving end of this behaviour and it’s just awful.

Does infertility really trump everything else??

FuzzyLilac · 29/04/2019 20:21

blighter in all fairness i would keep my distance from women like you.
The whole "the world revolves around me" attitude along with expecting people to know what they can say and what they cant is too unpleasant to be around.

My sil lost many friendships when ttc and she could not understand why at the time. She has since realised her attitude pushed good friends away.

Mummyshark2018 · 29/04/2019 20:23

I don't think either is being unreasonable. I'm in same position as friend 1 and count my lucky stars every day that I have 1dc. Friend 1's choice of words (failure, god bring cruel) indicate that she would benefit from some counselling if she hasn't already been offered it. Friend 2 is not wrong, and I know adoption isn't a consolation prize and certainly not for everyone, but it is potentially a viable option for those who wish to have or extend their family- but it has to be for the right reasons.

TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 20:27

Neither are unreasonable. It's a sad situation and F2 was trying to help but was tactless and F1 is deeply hurt.

SerenDippitty · 29/04/2019 20:38

Honestly, and I really don’t mean to sound insensitive about infertility but some women (and it is just women) who are TTC can be really, really nasty, mean, vindictive, and very, very selfish.

I still remember the awful crushing sensation I used to get in my chest every time I heard that yet another relative, friend or work colleague was pregnant and I had been ttc for years. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The strain of plastering on a smile can just get too much at times.

Ihatehashtags · 29/04/2019 20:40

It doesn’t even make sense. Clomid is so far from IVF it’s not funny! Next step would be IUI, then IVF with own eggs, then IVF with other peoples eggs and sperm. So many options! Adoption is virtually impossible where I live. I don’t have this years statistics but in 2016 only 40 children were adopted. So it’s a pointless thing to say to anyone and I really don’t get why everyone says it!!

Saltisford · 29/04/2019 22:46

Suggesting adoption to someone going through fertility problems is like code for saying ‘We’ve given up on you being able to have your own baby’ and that it is the last resort. It’s painful to hear.

Original poster

captainmarvella · 30/04/2019 00:16

That’s what I think too. Neither is unreasonable. As a pp has said Group hug is what needed but not going to happen as of now as Friend 1 is still seething and refusing contact from friend 2 - frankly I don’t see why she has to ghost friend 2 over this. I thought we three were closer than this. She can really say all the things she is telling me to friend 2. Didn’t realise it’s still high school sigh.

Thanks though for all the comments. I’m younger than these two and have no wisdom about infertility so it makes a lot of sense why suggesting adoption to a person undergoing secondary infertility issues can be very insensitive. I’m going to work on Friend 2 a bit more, purely because she is in a more promising place, to offer an apology.

OP posts:

PotolBabu · 30/04/2019 00:28

Can I ask if you are Indian and if there are also societal pressure on Friend 1 as the mother of a daughter?
Maybe ask Friend 1 what would help in this situation- simply letting her vent, not talking about it, what would help. It may be that nothing will and Friend 1 has to come to that realisation herself.

Original poster

captainmarvella · 30/04/2019 01:01

Yes we all are Indians. Potolbabu you hit the nail on the head. She wants to have a boy, a brother for her daughter. Of course she says she does not have preference but reading between the lines it’s very clear she does have one. I have never really thought in that angle but perhaps there is pressure from her family (it can be insidious and constant) to try try try for a boy this time :-(

OP posts:

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