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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invitation - advice please

47 replies

snckent · 29/04/2019 11:07

A bit of a long story so please bear with me... I have booked flights and accommodation for my brother's wedding this summer in an Eastern European country. I have always got on really well with my brother despite our salaries being quite different. He has just arrived back in the UK from the middle East and I visited them this weekend. His wife has been known to be a little dramatic but I try my best to keep the peace and hear everyone out.

Three years ago my brother announced his engagement and that the wedding would be happening abroad because her family refused to fly. He put it off once because of his job offer abroad so a lot of our family have awaited invitations before booking anything. He had to have a small registry office wedding in the UK so that they could go to the middle East together.

We all received our invitations at the end of February and the big family wedding is now happening at the end of August. Despite saying that they were initially coming (when the engagement was announced three years ago) some members of our extended family now have holidays booked and others cannot attended because their daughter is getting married in October. My brother isn't bothered about the family on holiday but has taken exception to those who have changed their minds.

My problem is this; my brother has booked a big reception room and paid for the meals for all these family members who now say that they they can no longer attend. He is pretty mad at them and is saying that he won't attend the October wedding. Things are so bad that organisation has become a full time job for my sister-in-law who is now inviting random friends (who she doesn’t want at her wedding) just to fill the very large reception room. I made the point that my partner and I are paying £600 and his wife told me that it would have been less had I flown to another airport (it wasn't). She tried to tell me that the weekend should have only cost £400 and that the extended family can easily afford that. Some of our family have made the point that this is a short notice wedding (invites received 27th Feb) and don't have the money with paying for their daughters wedding. My brother and his wife at the weekend made the point to me that the extended family already knew about one family wedding this year so they think that it is insensitive to book another one on the calendar so close. My brother even said that they should have put things on hold for a while longer. At this point I bit my tongue and said nothing further. Is he justified to be so mad or am I the one in the wrong? I don't want to fall out with him but I really think he needs to be told how petty he is being.

I have made my mumsnet account just so that I can post this for advice. Has anyone ever been in this situation? What would you do? Should I have a quiet chat with him now or should I leave this conversation until after the summer wedding or not bother at all because it’s not my place?

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 29/04/2019 11:10

Why are you getting involved in the wedding angst?
Leave them to it.

OhTheRoses · 29/04/2019 11:12

They are already married. Party in the UK for your side; party over there for her side.

I wouldn't go either and they have created the mess that it is so need to suck it up.

Hisnamesblaine · 29/04/2019 11:13

Yep
Try and stay out of it if at all possible

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 11:16

No he's not justified to be mad, if you decide to have a wedding in another country then you shouldn't be surprised that people won't come, for lots of reasons, expense, hassle, dislike of travelling etc. He shouldn't have booked numbers without knowing how many were going to come either

Teddybear45 · 29/04/2019 11:19

He shouldn’t expect anyone to attend an overseas wedding. I got married for the same reasons and the party in the UK was for the UK lot to enjoy. I didn’t expect anyone to pay £500 to Fly abroad too - was grateful to the people who did, and laid out something special for them there, but we had 2 parties for a reason!

whitesoxx · 29/04/2019 11:24

He's BU but stay out of it. It'll all blow over or it won't but there's no point you falling out with him

flowery · 29/04/2019 11:25

So they received invitations, confirmed acceptance and then changed their mind? In which case he is not BU to be angry at the costs he is incurring. Although do the hotel really require confirmed numbers this far out?!

Can’t see any reason for you to get involved though.

Purpleartichoke · 29/04/2019 11:27

If he didn’t have a set date, it’s not possible to commit to attending, especially abroad. Without a set date, you also can’t expect other people not to schedule their own events

woollyheart · 29/04/2019 11:31

If people said they would come three years ago, but have only recently received invitations, you have to accept that some people will change their minds or won't be able to come after all.

Tell him to be happy that some people can still make it.

Ridiculous to think that other people should put their wedding on hold.

Atalune · 29/04/2019 11:33

Yes if that’s the case then the brother is right to be annoyed!

But also- keep out of it. Remain impartial

Jaxhog · 29/04/2019 11:35

Stay out of it! (And try not to take sides.)

But I wouldn't be able to confirm attendance at a wedding until I knew the date for sure. Even if I knew it might be happening 3 years in advance.

LillithsFamiliar · 29/04/2019 11:39

Stay out of it. It's none of your business. Plus if they had all said they were coming and then changed their minds, your DB is right to be annoyed.

It's also fine for him not to attend the October wedding because none of them are attending his wedding. He has the same excuse that they do.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 11:41

Honestly I'd still to tea and sympathy. Yes BD / Dsil it is very frustrating. We will still have a wonderful time etc.

Don't justify why suddenly Aunty Mary can't go to two weddings in 3 months. Or why Granny Sue decided to go to Malaga instead. It isn't your job. That it unfortunately what happens if you set the date 6 months ahead.

What is this about tho?
. I have always got on really well with my brother despite our salaries being quite different why should pour incomes determine how well you get on with your brother??

Springwalk · 29/04/2019 11:42

Stay completely out of it. If he doesn't go in October, I don't suppose anyone will really care. Your brother having chosen a destination wedding overseas made a mistake in pre paying for so much, surely a deposit and finalising the numbers closer to the time (once all flights were confirmed and paid for) would have been sensible. Whenever you do anything overseas you have to be prepared for people to pull out, even at the last minute due to health/travel or logistical reasons. So yes he is being completely U.

Don't talk to him any further, and talk about only the positive aspects of his wedding.

pasturesgreen · 29/04/2019 11:47

Absolutely leave them to it.

Your brother was courting trouble when he prepaid for a huge venue before receiving confirmation from invited guests.

Beachbodynowayready · 29/04/2019 11:53

He is already married. People have no real incentive to travel to a party....

RosaWaiting · 29/04/2019 11:55

"I really think he needs to be told how petty he is being"

I understand why you think that. But I also understand if you can't be bothered with it. It's a ridiculous palaver over nothing.

BeanBag7 · 29/04/2019 12:00

So they received invitations, confirmed acceptance and then changed their mind?

That's now how I read it. I think the groom got engaged and various family members did they would be happy to come to an abroad wedding. 3 years later they recieved invites and declined.

I dont think brother can be upset about this. He should have confirmed with them again before booking a huge wedding which will cost each couple £600 to attend. At least sent save the date cards or something, so people could let him know in advance if they had booked holidays etc.

As for expecting people to turn down another wedding invitation because they were waiting for him, what a lot of nonsense.

BeanBag7 · 29/04/2019 12:04

Also just because the extended family can "easily afford" £400, doesnt mean they want to or have to.

LagunaBubbles · 29/04/2019 12:06

So he's already married?

regmover · 29/04/2019 12:07

As they say, after all that time your brother should have checked before booking. And it's not your circus or your monkeys so just stay out of it.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 29/04/2019 12:08

He is already married. They both expected people to put their lives on hold for three years, and are now annoyed people have August holidays etc. Hello! Earth calling Snckents DB! Also, mucho drama about people not travelling....this only applies to your side of the family apparently. DSIL's family made it very clear from the start they were not travelling. Different rule set here.

Honeybee85 · 29/04/2019 12:08

This sounds like trouble.
They can not decide what other people can or should afford.

As PP have said, stay out of it. You mentioned her family refuses to fly, so they are now expecting his side to make up completely for their lack of flexibility?

Acis · 29/04/2019 12:12

He must know, surely, that travel in August from the UK will be expensive and will clash with family holidays? It's really odd that he hasn't thought about practicalities at all, is perfectly happy that his wife's family won't travel, yet feels entitled to be angry about his family not travelling.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/04/2019 12:14

Are people maybe less willing to travel given that they won't be witnessing the wedding ceremony?

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