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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invitation - advice please

47 replies

snckent · 29/04/2019 11:07

A bit of a long story so please bear with me... I have booked flights and accommodation for my brother's wedding this summer in an Eastern European country. I have always got on really well with my brother despite our salaries being quite different. He has just arrived back in the UK from the middle East and I visited them this weekend. His wife has been known to be a little dramatic but I try my best to keep the peace and hear everyone out.

Three years ago my brother announced his engagement and that the wedding would be happening abroad because her family refused to fly. He put it off once because of his job offer abroad so a lot of our family have awaited invitations before booking anything. He had to have a small registry office wedding in the UK so that they could go to the middle East together.

We all received our invitations at the end of February and the big family wedding is now happening at the end of August. Despite saying that they were initially coming (when the engagement was announced three years ago) some members of our extended family now have holidays booked and others cannot attended because their daughter is getting married in October. My brother isn't bothered about the family on holiday but has taken exception to those who have changed their minds.

My problem is this; my brother has booked a big reception room and paid for the meals for all these family members who now say that they they can no longer attend. He is pretty mad at them and is saying that he won't attend the October wedding. Things are so bad that organisation has become a full time job for my sister-in-law who is now inviting random friends (who she doesn’t want at her wedding) just to fill the very large reception room. I made the point that my partner and I are paying £600 and his wife told me that it would have been less had I flown to another airport (it wasn't). She tried to tell me that the weekend should have only cost £400 and that the extended family can easily afford that. Some of our family have made the point that this is a short notice wedding (invites received 27th Feb) and don't have the money with paying for their daughters wedding. My brother and his wife at the weekend made the point to me that the extended family already knew about one family wedding this year so they think that it is insensitive to book another one on the calendar so close. My brother even said that they should have put things on hold for a while longer. At this point I bit my tongue and said nothing further. Is he justified to be so mad or am I the one in the wrong? I don't want to fall out with him but I really think he needs to be told how petty he is being.

I have made my mumsnet account just so that I can post this for advice. Has anyone ever been in this situation? What would you do? Should I have a quiet chat with him now or should I leave this conversation until after the summer wedding or not bother at all because it’s not my place?

OP posts:

Toooldtocareanymore · 29/04/2019 12:14

you are absolutely correct your brother is being petty, he doesn't mind people not coming who have booked holidays, as if he was entitled to mind, its not short notice , Feb. to August, but even if it was you're talking about 2 people here, 2 people ( suppose could be 4 if remarried couples ) who are not coming because their daughter is getting married in October, so he's going to boycott that wedding, fine leave him to it. Those extra couple of bums will not fill venue, he obviously feels he put off party for 3 years, to suit him but that doesn't count while everyone who said three years ago they would go has to stick by their word, which is nonsense, a wedding party that his wife's family wont travel too, and issues with organising from abroad was probably a pain and now as always happens with foreign weddings people cant or wont go, he's going to have a lot more to gripe about before he is finished, it seems his nose is out of place just because there is another wedding at all. I think you should keep well out of it, you are going, leave him to it.

flowery · 29/04/2019 12:18

OP can you confirm- you said people “changed their mind” - did they actually do this, ie confirm acceptance then retract it? Or did your brother go ahead and book things before inviting people/receiving RSVPs?

There’s quite a difference, and the second scenario isn’t anyone changing their mind.

titchy · 29/04/2019 12:19

TL:DR - everyone said yes they'd come when he announced the wedding three years ago, but he postponed it.

He then got married in the UK.

He is now having a party abroad and is calling it a wedding reception and is annoyed people can no longer come becase there is an actual wedding they are financially committed to.

He expects the other actual wedding to be postponed so that everyone can come to his party?

Yes? In which case yes HIBU. But stay out of it!

UCOinanOCG · 29/04/2019 12:25

What a big fandango for a wedding that has already taken place!

usman430 · 29/04/2019 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TixieLix · 29/04/2019 12:38

If he didn’t have a set date, it’s not possible to commit to attending, especially abroad. Without a set date, you also can’t expect other people not to schedule their own events

^ This! It sounds as though people got an engagement announcement with no idea of when the actual wedding would be, so they weren't entirely committed. He should not have booked the meals until people knew the date and confirmed they could attend. It's also not a wedding any more because they've already married, so it's just a party. They should have a party in each location for each side of the family rather than expect people to fork out £££ to travel abroad.

JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 12:52

Did they send a Save the Date? If there was no date specified then of course you can’t expect people to accept or decline till they receive an invitation with the confirmed date! It is their fault for booking an inflexible venue . I’m sure the venue can screen off part of the room or something anyway.

And I think they will to some extent have to accept that nobody can really get that excited about a “wedding” when the couple have been married for years already.

PregnantSea · 29/04/2019 14:22

He's being unreasonable. That's not your problem though, just stay out of it and be friendly with everyone. This is your brother's mess to sort out, it's not for you to have to worry about.

Original poster

snckent · 29/04/2019 15:01

Nobody recieved an invitation until February. They are both still collecting RSVPs from the second and third wave of invitations that have been sent out. He has to pay the balance for 70 guests but only has 46 confirmed.

OP posts:

JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 15:02

Yes but were people told the date before February?

Original poster

snckent · 29/04/2019 15:02

He didn’t send any save the dates.

OP posts:

RosaWaiting · 29/04/2019 15:04

I think you would be doing him a favour by explaining what a complete bell end he is being.

but as I say, if you cba, I'd understand that too. There's always the chance that he knows all this and just has such a mahousive ego, he doesn't care.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/04/2019 15:06

I think the issue is that it isn't really a wedding now although I doubt he will want to hear that

Original poster

snckent · 29/04/2019 15:07

He has booked things before receiving RSVPs. No save the date cards were sent, just the wedding invites.

OP posts:

Original poster

snckent · 29/04/2019 15:09

I’m not aware whether people knew before the invites. I didn’t know. I think he told our mum but then I don’t expect anyone to book flights based on something mum says. I didn’t book anything until I got an invitation.

OP posts:

Original poster

snckent · 29/04/2019 15:11

I might not word it like that! Should I send him a link to this thread?!

OP posts:

Original poster

snckent · 29/04/2019 15:21

I wanted to make the point that he earns a great deal more than me (and the rest of our lot) so he sees money as no object - it is possible that he thinks that it shouldn't be an excuse.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 29/04/2019 15:27

Should I send him a link to this thread?!

Yes, perfect. Let MN clue him in for you.

And you can tell him for me that the world does not stop turning once he announces that something may or may not happen as some future date.

Original poster

snckent · 29/04/2019 15:31

Thank you all very much. I agree it isn't worth me falling out with him. Wedding planning is stressful enough without your sister calling your wife dramatic to a bunch of strangers!

OP posts:

RosaWaiting · 29/04/2019 15:44

"I wanted to make the point that he earns a great deal more than me (and the rest of our lot) so he sees money as no object - it is possible that he thinks that it shouldn't be an excuse"

that's really awful when people lose sight of the fact that others may not have money. But also it's awful if he thinks they have the money - they have the right not to spend it on someone else's indulgence.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 15:55

Well perhaps he could pay the flights for the famy members who can't afford jt

SnuggyBuggy · 29/04/2019 16:15

The money is neither here nor there for me it's the entitlement of a couple thinking they deserve 2 wedding days. This "destination wedding" is just a party and any ceremony will be a fake one

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