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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned

31 replies

Namechangeeee1 · 29/04/2019 10:05

I have a 3 week old baby who is extremely clingy, barely sleeps and feeds almost constantly. I’m exhausted to say the least. I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship. DP and I have been together 5 years. We all live together and DP has always said he sees the other 2 children very much as his own (the haven’t seen their own father for over 2 years after he decided to go AWOL)

DP has just said to me he want to take the baby to his home town on Saturday to meet his friends. His home town is around 40 miles away. He then said he has asked his mother to drive me, him and the baby there. I asked him why he can’t drive (I don’t drive) and he said he was wanting his mum to bring the baby home on her own, while we stayed there and had drinks with his friends. He said his mum would look after the baby till later on that night then we could return home, his mum would go home and we could take over. The other 2 DC’s have never, in the 5 years we’ve been together, ever met any of his friends.

I have a few concerns about this:

  1. The fact he thinks it’s ok for us to look after a 4 week old baby while both being under the influence of alcohol.
  2. That the other 2 DC’s aren’t invited (there would be no space in the car for them if we went in his mothers car) so DP is expecting them to be sent to one of my relatives to be looked after for the night while we swan off to show off the baby and get drunk. I would imagine the other 2 DC’s would wonder why they aren’t allowed to come, but the baby is.
  3. That he expects his mother (who gets VERY stressed out while driving) to drive 40 miles with, on her own, with a baby who could easily have a meltdown in the car.
  4. That we would be 40 miles away from home, while his mother was looking after the baby - say she needed us urgently for something?!

I think the best option is that he drives and we all return home sober. I don’t mind him having a night out where we live (we live in a city so there are plenty of options for a night out) as, while the baby is so little and unsettled he really needs to be nearby. I’m not up for getting drunk at all just now and don’t think it’s right for me to be with the baby being so small and clingy.

Am I BU?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 29/04/2019 10:09

Only read up until he wants his mum to bring the baby home so you both could stay with his friends and it would definitely be a huge NO from me. Absolutely no chance.
If you don’t feel like going ( and coming back with MIL and baby ) just tell him to go on his own.

Original poster
Namechangeeee1 · 29/04/2019 10:15

@NoSauce

Yea, I feel the same. There’s absolutely no way I want to leave the baby with someone else at this age, let alone leaving him while we go off and get drunk. I never did this with my other children and can’t understand why DP would think this was ok Confused

OP posts:
TheBouquets · 29/04/2019 10:18

That all sounds a bit strange.
Could his family not meet and visit the new baby at your house?
If you have been together for 5 years I think it is strange that his family have not met your older children.
I definitely agree that the older children would feel left out if the new baby and you and DP all go to his family.
It would not be good for DP mother to drive around alone with a new baby if she is a nervous driver.
It is definitely not a good idea to be in charge of a new baby (or any child) while the worse for alcohol.
I think you really need to look closer at this whole situation.

Original poster
Namechangeeee1 · 29/04/2019 10:21

Bouquets - it’s his friends, not family. His family have met the DC’s. I have said to him, if his friends want to meet the baby they are more than welcome at ours. I think he’s just using it as an excuse for a night out to be honest.

OP posts:
GruciusMalfoy · 29/04/2019 10:24

I'd tell him I wasn't comfortable with that. Your baby is very young, you're understandably exhausted, and don't want to be a part from the baby. If his friends were so bothered about seeing the wee one they would make the effort to come to you.

TixieLix · 29/04/2019 10:25

If his DM is taking the baby home in her car, how would you be returning home the 40 miles later? Is there good public transport? You can bet your life that the drinking would go on too late to get a train back, or maybe he'd drink too much so you'd end up staying overnight in DH's home town.

Personally I wouldn't entertain the thought of a 40 mile trip with a 3 week old baby (and getting public transport home). You sound exhausted, and if the baby is constantly feeding (is baby ebf?) it's going to be no fun. I also would not have been in the right frame of mind to go out drinking when my DC was that young. Don't feel pressured into doing this trip if you're not up to it OP.

DogHairEverywhere · 29/04/2019 10:27

I agree with you op. If he wants to show off the baby to his friends, then he takes you and the rest of the family for an afternoon with them, then drives home sober.
If he wants to go out and get drunk with his friends, he arranges that as a separate activity.
It's completely ridiculous that he thinks that you, with a 4 week old baby, would have any interest in such an activity.
Also, i would question him about treating your baby differently to the other 2. He never wanted to take them to the other city to meet his friends. I would want to make it clear that this baby is not to be treated differently from now on.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 29/04/2019 10:29

I had my first night out when ds1 was 3 weeks old. Out for 3 hours, and back to sleep at MIL’s who was enjoying her first real night of grand mother baby sitting. But I was only 3 miles away. So if something happened it was about 7 minutes from town to door. I’d never take a baby that small that far for a whole day and night. To be honest I feel tired reading it!

tanpestryfirescreen · 29/04/2019 10:29

Cant you invite his friends round for a meal and a few drinks?

Beachbodynowayready · 29/04/2019 10:29

Can't think a group of men would be that interested in seeing a new baby tbh.. He is using your dc as an excuse to get pissed.

Original poster
Namechangeeee1 · 29/04/2019 10:35

Cant you invite his friends round for a meal and a few drinks?

I have done. Although, I wouldn’t drink. But he seems to have planned this day/night out and arranged for his mother to take us then look after the baby. No thought of the other 2 children. Had he asked me beforehand if I was up for this, I’d have told him no.

I’m going to speak to him later about treating the other 2 DC’s differently and tell him either he drives and we all go or he goes himself.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 29/04/2019 10:43

Where would your older two go?

Original poster
Namechangeeee1 · 29/04/2019 10:47

Where would your older two go?

He’ll be expecting me to arrange for one of my family members to look after them. Which I’m absolutely not going to do.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 29/04/2019 10:50

I’m a bit on the fence because I do understand why he wants to show off his new baby and celebrate in the pub, and don’t think either the 2 of you drinking alcohol or the mum driving is a big deal. However 3 weeks can be too soon for many people and it seems like it will be for you. I’m not really sure what to say about your other children- would it not make more sense for all this to happen at a time they’re with their dad? They should be able to come along though and stay with his mum too to be honest.

NoSauce · 29/04/2019 10:55

Either you go for the day and come back with MIL or he goes on his own. 3 week old is far too young to be sleeping out and plus you don’t want it.

Will he listen to you and understand where you’re coming from?

Original poster
Namechangeeee1 · 29/04/2019 11:07

@Passthecherrycoke

Other 2 DC’s don’t see their dad as he abandoned them just over 2 years ago (as stated in my OP)

OP posts:
stucknoue · 29/04/2019 11:07

He wants to celebrate the birth of his child and wants to include you which is actually nice (wetting the baby's head can be an all male affair) yes your other kids aren't included but this is about celebrating the birth.

Can you just offer not to drink and do the driving?

Original poster
Namechangeeee1 · 29/04/2019 11:09

@stucknoue

I don’t drive (as also stated in my OP)

OP posts:
RChick · 29/04/2019 11:44

It's pretty clear he only saw your first two children as his own, until he had his own.

Original poster
Namechangeeee1 · 29/04/2019 11:50

He wants to celebrate the birth of his child and wants to include you which is actually nice (wetting the baby's head can be an all male affair) yes your other kids aren't included but this is about celebrating the birth

I actually think this is a complete nonsense. It’s nice that he’s asking me to get drunk 4 weeks after having a baby and then to go home and look after the baby while drunk?? Confused
Also, there are 3 children in this relationship - not one. If he wants the baby to be there while he’s celebrating the birth, then he can celebrate the birth of the baby without excluding them.

OP posts:
fecketyfeck21 · 29/04/2019 12:10

sorry but i'm being dim, should you really be drinking if you are bf / ebf ?
i wasn't able to bf so i don't know the drill, happy to learn new stuff though.Smile

Original poster
Namechangeeee1 · 29/04/2019 12:18

@fecketyfeck21

Baby is FF - I had a very bad birth & labour so wasn’t able to be straight away and baby was given formula. I did try and BF when I recovered but he wouldn’t latch on so we just stuck with the formula feeding

OP posts:
abcriskringle · 29/04/2019 12:33

I would not have been happy/ comfortable with this. YANBU. I'd tell him to go on his own.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/04/2019 12:36

It's more normal for people who want to see the baby to do the travelling. YANBU to feel its too soon for this sort of trip and night out.

Sculpin · 29/04/2019 12:40

In terms of your specific concerns:

  1. This wouldn't bother me - you can just have one or two drinks, you don't have to get drunk.
  2. This would bother me and I would expect my other two DC's to be invited.
  3. Hard to say with this one - if she's happy with it, I wouldn't mind
  4. I think this is OK