Dh ex

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Last week we went on holiday with my dcs and dhs ds. We had a great time. All the dcs we're so well behaved (I was expecting them to bicker if I'm honest) and I can say it was one of the best holidays we have all ever had.

Dss is 5 and was collected by his mum yesterday. Dss hasn't seen his mum for about 9 days but it hasn't bothered him as he had so much fun with alll of us.

A few hours after dss was collected, dh received a text from the ex saying dss has been horrible ever since she collected him and he was a totally different boy. She said dss had hit her and called her names and done nothing but cry. And this was all our fault because of our holiday (too much sugar and late nights apparently). She also told dh off as it didn't look like dss had his hair brushed

Just before dss left, he told us how much he was going to miss us all and he knew he wouldn't see us again for ages. His mother has recently reduced contact with dh. We now only have dss eow instead of every weekend.

The ex has gone one from one relationship to another. Her last relationship ended in September. She then went straight onto the newest one and introduced him to dss straight away. And his dcs also. He's then moved into her home after 3 months of knowing him.

She then reduced contact with us so she could have time with her new family.

Dss also sleeps at different family members house 2 nights a week so she can have social time.

He just gets passed about and has different people in and out of his life. He's also had a behaviour chart at school for the last 2 months (ever since the new bf moved in).

In the 9 days we have had him, he's not stopped smiling and laughing. He's been great and he's had the best time!

He has clearly shown bad behaviour now he's home but I don't feel this is our fault?

Sorry it's long but like I say, I feel it's all relevant and don't want to drip feed.

You have my full sympathy. She sounds very bitter and nasty.

Sadly though, I think this is his fight, not yours

She wants an argument, don’t give her one. Is contact court ordered? Perhaps DH should get it set in stone if she keeps changing things.

Could you go to court for more access? If dss is going to other people two nights a week could you have him in those two nights?

Take her to court for full custody it sounds like it's in his best interest

I’m not a step parent so don’t know the drill here but presuming your DH has involvement with the school could he go and discuss his sons behaviour both in and out of school to get a larger handle on what’s going on?

Dss also sleeps at different family members house 2 nights a week so she can have social time.

So wouldn't she be better off if she let dh have their ds?

Court seems to be your best bet here

Go to court and request those two nights at yours that plus every other weekend is near enough 50/50

Why can’t you have DSS 2 nights a week?
I can understand the eow instead of ew because you don’t really get much time during the week, especially when you have to throw in homework etc.
How are holidays split up? Do you get DSS half the time?

Unless your husband’s son is suffering, her relationships are categorically none of your business. You’re never going to gain any sympathy here by being so judgmental of your stepson’s mother.

If contact has been reduced, why hasn’t your husband done anything to fight it? Is there a court order in place?

As it reads, it seems that you (and probably your husband) are very happy to sneer at his ex and pat yourselves on the back for being a wonderful blended family, yet don’t seem to want to actually fight for anything.

Dss is 5 and was collected by his mum yesterday. Dss hasn't seen his mum for about 9 days but it hasn't bothered him as he had so much fun with alll of us.

This is just mean. He’s a five year old boy, I’m pretty sure he missed his mum at times. I bet he was in a bad mood when he got home because he’d just had a week with ‘Disney dad/stepmum’.

Tbh the access and the behaviour are two separate issues.

WRT the acccesss I would seek to get that arranged on a more formal setting. To b honest every weekend is not necessarily reasonable as that gives no time for the mum to have quality time with the DS. But your dh needs to seek some legal advice in that regard.

With regards to his behaviour however, it can be extremely common for children to be unsettled when going from one parent to another, it’s something which took some getting used to when me and ex first split, but two different environments can make for differing behaviours and it’s down to the mum to deal with behaviour at her end. My DS is sixteen now and even now sometimes if he’s seen his dad he comes back with a bucket-load of attitude. I just ignore it now but it did take some getting used to when he was smaller. So I would ignore any talk of the behaviour and so on and concentrate on a mor set access routine.

I bet he was in a bad mood when he got home because he’d just had a week with ‘Disney dad/stepmum’.

You can’t call him a Disney dad because they took him on holiday

As far as court goes, dh works with his ex's brother and he was convinced they would split up and dh would get dss back and to hold off court. It didn't happen and don't think it will so we decided to get our holiday out of the way and have mediation as the first step. Although she is refusing to turn up.

As for us having dss, he lives 50/55 minutes away. She moved away about 3 years ago. I don't know how well it would work with getting him to school on a morning with the timings etc.

@DoneLikeAKipper no her relationships are not my business but considering dss was so close to her last bf (he used to collect dss from our house) and she waited all of one week before introducing her new bf, the effect it has on my step son does concern me.

And for the fact he didn't miss her, it's mean but true. We aren't the Disney type. Not at all. I have a child with special needs and life is hard. Life is stressful. We had a well earned break and it was lovely. Obviously that's not ok though is it? That we had a lovely time as a family?!? Would you rather we argued the whole time and spent the week telling the dcs off?

@NoCauseRebel I understand that she gets no time with him but that's how she wanted it for the last 4 years so she can go out and socialise. Now she's met someone who has kids (and he has to have them because if a court order) she now wants dss on a weekend. She never did before. We had dss a full weekend eow and alternative Sunday's. But most weekends we would have dss Saturdays so she could go out which was fine with us. We had extra time and she had her social life. The only reason it's changed is because of the newest relationship and she just stopped it with no warning.

Obviously that's not ok though is it? That we had a lovely time as a family?!? Would you rather we argued the whole time and spent the week telling the dcs off?

That’s not what I said. What I pointed out is your attitude of ‘stepson has a wonderful time with us, laughing and forgotting about his mum. Talking of which, let me tell you all how awful and selfish she is’. Perhaps she’s not perfect, but she doesn’t read as abusive, her personal life is no business of yours and has no bearing on your op. You just want us all to judge her as you do.

go to court and get a custody order, so it is set in stone, and she cant back out from that,

@DoneLikeAKipper where have I said he forgot about his mum? He didn't forget about her! He was just happy having fun. He didn't want to leave us. And it's pissed his mum off that he's had a good time with us. She can't stand it and has used it to try put dh down as a bad parent.

The fact is, she barely spends time with him. She didn't want him for Xmas or new year. We had him which was great but what she wanted. She then went on a holiday in January. Between Xmas and the middle of January she spent a total of 5 days with him. She then moved the new bf in straight after.

Dss is a very mixed up and confused little boy and it worries dh that she can't see it.

You can’t call him a Disney dad because they took him on holiday

The mum’s complaint was her son seemed hyper and over tired. If his dad and stepmum have been taking him out of routine to be ‘the fun family’, then they could well have been playing Disney parents.

The op boils down to the mum feels son is badly behaved when he’s been away with his dad’s family for a week. Either he was out of routine and the mum is dealing with the brunt of it, or she’s just trying to cause a fuss because her son was with his step family. Unfortunately, since the OP isn’t exactly balanced in her description of the mum and is narratively setting her up as ‘the bad guy’, then it’s difficult to know which is the case.

Dss is a very mixed up and confused little boy and it worries dh that she can't see it.

Well, if your husband feels so strongly about this why hasn’t he done anything about it? What court order is in place?

It is normal for a child to be unsettled or “badly behaved” when switching between homes. Entirely normal. It’s also normal to be out of routine when on holiday. That isn’t “Disney parenting”.

Ignore posters suggesting going for “full custody”. Custody doesn’t exist anymore and there’s no way you would get change of residence based on what you’ve said.

If you’re happy you’ve looked after DSS properly, just ignore her.

Of course he was out of routine with more treat things than normal.....it was a holiday A holiday in the same routine as normal would be bloody dull!

The boy’s mum should be sensible enough to know that a change in routine can lead to more difficult behaviour when they return. My DS is 5 and when he does to spend a couple of days with Grandma and Grandad, can be a grumpy handful when he gets back. And it’s not because they allow him to do whatever he wants.

I’d judge a parent who moved a new partner in to a house a week after splitting up with another, particularly when the child had a bond with the ex. And I’d bet my last £1 that donelikeakipper would judge as well if it was the Dad rather than Mum doing this. Her bias is very apparent.

@DoneLikeAKipper read my post regarding contact.

Next time we go on holiday (which won't be for a long time) we will make sure dcs are in bed by 7pm and no fun whatsoever shall be had

As others have said, you are extremely biased and will be ignoring any of your further comments

I’d judge a parent who moved a new partner in to a house a week after splitting up with another, particularly when the child had a bond with the ex. And I’d bet my last £1 that donelikeakipper would judge as well if it was the Dad rather than Mum doing this

I’m not saying the mother moving in quickly with the boyfriend is a great thing. I’m saying it’s irrelevant to the OP’s complaint. Yes kids can get irritated going back to normality after a holiday or whatever, what I’ve been pointing out is the OP’s very black and white ‘he loves being with us, having a laugh, look how shit his mum is’. We have no idea what she’s like as a mum, we can’t judge that based on the fact she’s moved in too quickly with a bloke.

If the mum feels her sons behaviour is far worse than the usual handover, to the point of needing to mention it, then maybe he was too over stimulated even for a holiday. Or perhaps she’s just causing a fuss. It’s the fact the op is trying to make out that he was having such a great time with them, ‘not bothered’ about not seeing his mum and dragging a lot of personal opinions that I still don’t see as relevant to his mum’s complaint that her son was misbehaving badly.

@MissMalice totally agree. Dh replied that it was the change in routine and he would settle down but he got a reply that was still full of blame. Just a shame really, I feel for dss.

As dh was waving by through the window, dh said 'I wonder what text I'll get later' as he knew she would have something to say. Her face was like thunder when she collected him.

Ex was pissed off that dss had a great time.
End of discussion.
Your dh needs to get better access via a court order though.

@AllTheUserNamesAreTaken I am quite strict with dss when he is here. He doesn't get away with anything. I'm strict but fair with all the dcs, I have to be due to having a child with SEN. It's the only way. We have routines etc and dss is a part of those.

He can be a handful and extremely hyper so we find strict routines work well for him and he's behaviour is great when he's with us. We are in no way 'Disney parents'. We just worked are arses off to save to go away and had a great time. I wasn't expecting it to go so well (mainly due to my sen child, not dss) We won't be going away again anytime soon so we just made the most of it.