Dh ex

[dust11]

Last week we went on holiday with my dcs and dhs ds. We had a great time. All the dcs we're so well behaved (I was expecting them to bicker if I'm honest) and I can say it was one of the best holidays we have all ever had.

Dss is 5 and was collected by his mum yesterday. Dss hasn't seen his mum for about 9 days but it hasn't bothered him as he had so much fun with alll of us.

A few hours after dss was collected, dh received a text from the ex saying dss has been horrible ever since she collected him and he was a totally different boy. She said dss had hit her and called her names and done nothing but cry. And this was all our fault because of our holiday (too much sugar and late nights apparently). She also told dh off as it didn't look like dss had his hair brushed

Just before dss left, he told us how much he was going to miss us all and he knew he wouldn't see us again for ages. His mother has recently reduced contact with dh. We now only have dss eow instead of every weekend.

The ex has gone one from one relationship to another. Her last relationship ended in September. She then went straight onto the newest one and introduced him to dss straight away. And his dcs also. He's then moved into her home after 3 months of knowing him.

She then reduced contact with us so she could have time with her new family.

Dss also sleeps at different family members house 2 nights a week so she can have social time.

He just gets passed about and has different people in and out of his life. He's also had a behaviour chart at school for the last 2 months (ever since the new bf moved in).

In the 9 days we have had him, he's not stopped smiling and laughing. He's been great and he's had the best time!

He has clearly shown bad behaviour now he's home but I don't feel this is our fault?

Sorry it's long but like I say, I feel it's all relevant and don't want to drip feed.

Eow is normal contact arrangement. I don’t blame her for changing it.

@Beachbodynowayready we have a solicitor but he's told dh to do mediation first which is happening next week. We were also told to give her time to change her mind which we have and she hasn't. The solicitor has told us that will look better in court, especially as she won't do mediation.

The ex says she won't attend mediation because she offered dh alternative time.

She expected dh to take an afternoon off work every week (which he can't and his boss won't allow it) and collect dss up from school who lives 50 mins away. Dh would then have to drive dss back to our house (he would arrive home about 4.10pm) then give dss his tea and a bath, pjs on and the ex would collect him at 6pm and take him home again. Dss would do all that travelling.

Her suggestion was absolutely ridiculous and totally unfair on dss but because she's offered dh alternative time, she thinks she shouldn't do mediation.

Even if dh could miraculously get the time off work, dss would be exhausted.

As others have said, you are extremely biased and will be ignoring any of your further comments

If you just wanted everyone to agree with you, perhaps AIBU wasn’t the place to post. I feel you’re deliberately painting your stepsons mother in a bad light, even if she has a possible valid reason in complaining about her son being ‘extra naughty’ when he got home. He’s still very young, perhaps he’s a child who needs a better routine even when on holiday, it’s his mum that has to settle him down back to reality now - perhaps have a little sympathy for that.

Regardless, it sounds like she and your husband split a few years ago and he’s had plenty of time to get a proper court order in place, not just wait until she’s playing silly buggers. It’s not ok for her to suddenly change the rules on him, but it was equally up to him to get something in place a long time ago to avoid things getting messy like this.

You say that it would be difficult to do mornings if you had him during the week, well you just have to figure it out. Why should your husband just get the nice bits of holidays and weekends without having to deal with the stress of school mornings? Don’t just shake your head in sadness at his home life if you’re not willing to do anything about it. If you feel he should be spending more time with you, and your obviously more stable set up then do something about it.

I’ll bow out now.

'If you just wanted everyone to agree with you, perhaps AIBU wasn’t the place to post'.

Everyone is not agreeing with OP, they just aren't coming across as projecting.

@DoneLikeAKipper we are doing something about it!!!!

What don't you understand?

We have never needed to do anything about it before because we had dss a lot of the time! There was no need for court orders because had an arrangement that worked for us all. And we were continually asked to have him extra which we did! Until dss started school, it was pretty much 50:50. Then he started school and it dropped which dh understood.

Now she has the new bf it has gone to eow. And since then, dss behaviour has gone down hill at home. Not with us. But we are getting blamed for it.

All we have done is gone on a rare holiday.

We are doing something about it as I've said more than once. We don't get all the nice bits. If we have, it's because she's wanted us too.

As for mornings, can you not see that I actually care about dss? And I feel a 50 minute drive to school may be too much for him? I suppose you would just expect us to move house though 💁🏻‍♀️

Regarding the behaviour, our DDs get like this after a holiday without a change in carers. That’s what children do. It takes a couple of days to settle back into their normal routine. That part is a non issue.

I tend to agree with PPs saying that obtaining a court order regarding contact would make sense.

Saw almost the exact same recently with a family member. Kids mum was flipping out via text as little one had come home from a day out at a fun fair very tired and grumpy (as kids get) Dad was blamed entirely, too much fun, too much sugar, too much running about.

The mother has been horrible since dad started seeing a new woman. Kicks off at him constantly and uses the kid as a weapon.

Sounds like jealousy to me. Dss had a great time with you all and likely hasn’t stopped talking about what a great time he’s had (as kids do) I would take the high road and ignore her. If dss isn’t in any danger, courts likely won’t change current arrangements.

Just keep making sure dss has the best time he can while he is with his dad and your family! ☺️

We have never needed to do anything about it before because we had dss a lot of the time! There was no need for court orders because had an arrangement that worked for us all.

Did you miss the part where I said your husband should have sorted this before his ex had a chance to suddenly change the rules on you all? There was always a need to put something in place for his son’s sake, because unfortunately adults can’t always be trusted to behave like adults. Getting a court order in place as soon they they split would have been a security for everyone involved.

You might be doing something about it now, but as you’re seeing she’s able to dictate the rules more so than when they initially split. She can show how she’s done all the weekday care for the last few years, and how unfair it seems that his father gets all the weekends without the stress of school runs/homework/early night routines, so why shouldn’t she have weekends too - it may not be that clear cut to you but that’s how the courts will see it. Basically, if he wants it to go back to how it was, there’s a possibility it won’t happen now, that eow and holidays will be the usual arrangement (as with most families), unless he wants to go for shared custody and sort out the school situation regardless of how difficult it is.

You can’t get a court order if one is not needed because the parent says are able to agree. See the no order principle. Going to court is not something parents should just do. It is expensive and stressful and encourages acrimony. Agreeing outside of court where possible is always best. If the OPs DP has EOW and time in holidays he’s unlikely to get more by going to court. It also wouldn’t guarantee that the mother would follow the court order.

@MissMalice yes the solicitor has told us this too. He is doubtful we would get anymore time than we already do.

Like you say, if everything is amicable then there's no reason to go to court. Everything was amicable and also on her terms for the last 4 years

You wouldn’t get full ‘custody’ even if you tried. She doesn’t sound exceptionally stable judging from what you have said but judges usually only order EOW contact in these instances anyway. Sometimes the occasional week day but since she lives so far away, this doesn’t sound doable with school and such.

It is normal for children to feel unsettled when they are jumping from one family to another. My DC barely see their DF (his choice, not mine) but when they do spend a few token hours with him, they generally return unsettled. It upsets their routine.

I wouldn’t enter into an argument with her, just keep it civil and contact a solicitor for advice.

Sounds to me like she’s jealous dss had a good time with you. Hopefully this will be sorted out in court. It’s a shame it has to be but if she’s going to keep changing boyfriends and messing you about then it’s the way to go. Poor little boy.

She’s jelly he had a good time, he was probably telling her about it and she’s gotten pissy. My SD mum is the same.

Ignore her, she’s talking rubbish and spoiling for a fight.

Sounds like the new boyfriend won’t last long and you’ll be back to eow, sorry not much more you can do by the advise from others.

@Gin96 that's what we have been holding out for. They've been together 5 months now. He has 6 kids to 4 different women so he's not exactly long term relationship material either.

My gut feeling is that they will last though.

EOW is normal contact for a child. Maybe she didn’t want to do all the donkey work in the week and then you get all the fun stuff at the weekends.

She’s also offered one evening every week so again she’s hardly being unreasonable. It’s not her fault that your partner can’t do it.

Eow and a evening a week or 2 for tea is pretty standard and your partner is the one refusing midweek contact.

A 50 minute drive really isn’t that long. Loads of kids to much more

@Order654 I completely disagree. For him to spend one evening per week spending 2 hours travelling just to be here for tea and a bath is completely unfair on dss and will probably confuse him even more. Maybe when he's older but not now.

It's also completely unreasonable for the ex to expect my dh to just be able to take an afternoon off work all of a sudden! His job does not work like that. He has a deadline to meet every week and she is well aware of this - especially as her brother does exactly the same job! She knows there is no way it would ever of been possible.

What do you want OP because it seems as if eow suits you and you can’t manage more time - the distance means of course school was going to change things

If you feel the New boyfriend is an issue then you need to protect your dss

@Quartz2208 we've had this arrangement is place for 4 years. Dss would come every weekend. Wether it was either our full weekend with him, or just for the day or more than likely a full weekend again because his mum wanted to go out or have time to herself.

We have dss every school holidays when she wants us too. We always work around her and have bent over backwards.

So just to have that time taken away all of a sudden because her circumstances have changed is unfair on our family.

However my post was not about contact. It was about how bitter she clearly is when her son has had a fun week with us. It's frustrating as dh knows no matter what he does, it will never ever be right by her.

That's the end of it.

Its not her circumstances though is it - he has started school EOW once that happens is a common place event because she has lost weekly time

You live too far away for midweek contact - so yes in these circumstancs I cant see how EOW would not be given in court

That aside mine always struggle to get back into normal life!

@dust11 - his job is not her problem. If he wants mid week contact or extra contact then he needs to find a way to make it work not just expect to get every weekend.

There is also no reason why he can’t drive the 50 minutes to see his son and take him out for tea local for an hour or to the park if he really wants to see him.