To think it's ok to text DSS !

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

Been with DH 10 years, DSS is 12.
DSS mother is being a complete nightmare at the min. (It goes through cycles) So DH and I working hard to ensure DSS is happy and secure with us. DSS's mother is very controlling.
DSS was with us for the weekend, great weekend had by all. DSS was texting his dad earlier and sent him a gif. Saying show this to easylife, it's her fave character from the movie we watched. So I sent him a gif of the same character back. Queue dialogue back and forth. Next text I get is from DSS's mother, from DSS's phone. (Which is bought and paid for by DH)

Hi easy,
This is DSS's mother. Do not contact my son again. This phone is for essential contact between DSS and your husband alone.
Regards.

I have blocked DSS's mum due to vitriolic abuse, I should add.
Needless to say I was upset. DH is seeing DSS on Monday so will talk to him then and his advice is ignore the mother. I've always been respectful, never over stepped the boundaries but currently can't seem to put a foot right. This is the same mother who when was too busy to pick DSS up earlier demanded I drop him home, when DH said he couldn't as had a beer. The same mother who is demanding my wages are taken into so she gets an increase in maintenance!!
AIBU to think that sending your DSS a harmless gif is completely fine !!!

That’s awful. What a horrible thing to do.

She's being ridiculous, you've done nothing wrong.

She's being incredibly unreasonable. It's a shame some parents can't out their child's wellbeing before their own pettiness

You’ve done nothing wrong at all and it isn’t fair on your DSS to be caught in the middle of this, bless him. Sounds like your DH is being supportive which is good.

She is out of order. Your DSS is entitled to contact his own SM if he wishes. Sadly, he will simply learn to hide things from his mum.

Bite your tongue on this occasion, let your DH handle it. Next time you see your DSS, tell him you liked the pictures, and had a laugh at the chat.

Your poor DSS. She is basically punishing him for liking you, sounds cruel. He must have felt horrible.

Your poor dss, he must be really confused. I’m sorry his mum is being so awful to you too. Children can never have too many people who love them, his mum should be thankful that you and he have such a lovely relationship.

Try not to let it upset you, you sound like a lovely step-mum

She's jealous if your relationship with DSS, instead of putting aside her feelings for his benefit she is putting herself first. She should be glad that you have a good relationship with him.

No you weren't, but as a stepmother I wouldn't again.

It's a high conflict relationship, your DSS is still too young to be trying to manage all these relationships by him self and I would do anything I could to make things easier for him. She obviously has taken his phone and he no doubt knows she texted you back and maybe dealing with the back lash.

Screen shot the messages and leave it at that.

If I was your dh I would give him a cuddle tell him he did nothing wrong and you all had a great weekend focus on your time together.

Hang in there. He's likely going to need you more as time passes and sounds like you have a nice relationship with the consistency & support he needs. Let her blow off steam about it and just carry on bring there for your DSS.

I message my stepmom and my mum couldn’t care less, she knows I’m not replacing her, we mainly take the mick out of my dad and also I talk about my brothers and sisters and she about my DC. People too insecure nowadays. At least your DSS likes you because I know many people who have a real hard time getting thier step kids to except them. Your DH should be the one to handle it though to stop her from taking the situation to the next level. Hopefully it gets resolved as it sounds like you have a great relationship

Oh dear, I feel embarrassed for her! She can’t have it both ways... Either you’re an active part in his life or you’re not. You clearly are, he’s a lucky boy, so ignore her and her pettiness! Did you take him back? I’d have told her to do one.

She’s incredibly jealous of you, isn’t she? It sounds as though you’ve got a good relationship with your dss. He will soon be old enough to tell his mother to eff off. For now you can communicate to you through his dad. Or communicate together on his fathers phone. It shouldn’t be necessary. But if it stops your dss from getting into trouble that would be good.

I really want DH to ask her the following or I'm tempted to email her.

Got your text regarding DSS. So I'm clear regarding what I can and cannot do.
Why am I not allowed to text DSS but the following is acceptable in your eyes?
You expect me to deliver DSS back to you on Sunday, when you were unable to.
You expect my earnings to be taken into account in the maintenance increase you are chasing.
You will happily accept £70 worth of clothing for DSS, which were a clear gift from me.
But you want me to have no direct contact with DSS? When previously you have stated that if I really loved and cared for DSS I would have texted him?
Or is this a red rag to a bull?

Everything is all about her, isn't it! Poor little boy. My stepson's mum went through a similar phase when he was a similar age. She's got another two or three years in which she can control everything and then it will all slip out of her hands. Sit back and wait.

@justwantaneasylifeplease

I am keeping up with your prolific posting about your DH’s ex. I don’t know how you stand it. Although I fully appreciate MN is a place to get support and advice (mostly) I don’t know why you keep posting about the awful things she does. She’s batshit and you need to take action. First she wants to contact you to talk after calling you a whore, then she wants you to pay for DSS and now you’re not allowed to contact him on his mobile! Why do you give this woman any thought at all, she’s all over the place.

I am kinda hoping you are posting these threads in the hope that she might read them and see what a fruit loop she really is 😉

Oh dear. She’s all over the place emotionally. There is no reasoning with her. The email wouldn’t give you the closure and balanced reply you’re looking for from her.

The only relevant part of your proposed message above is "you want me to have no direct contact with DSS? When previously you have stated that if I really loved and cared for DSS I would have texted him?" All the rest is irrelevant.

Having said that, she sounds nuts.

No, don't send that message. It won't make her change her mind. It will just lead to her defending her (bonkers) position and further entrench her views. In fact, don't do anything while you're cross / upset. Sleep on it and take a view on best way forward tomorrow.

@Bathtime17 we are currently seeking legal action. I'm posting for 2 reasons. 1. Currently mid IVF cycle and getting it written down is the cathartic way for me to not carry the stress.

1. Your correct I hope she reads them and appreciates that she is in fact mental.

Don't worry won't send it, just need to write it down !

I would have completely ignored her and sent another brief, friendly text along the lines of "nice to catch up dss, see you next time". Then get dh to explain she's made a mistake and that the phone is for his personal use, not just for contacting him.

Sounds dreadful, and I believe you are genuine in what you say regarding her behaviour and you not over-stepping boundaries and so forth.

Considering how long you have been with your husband, having a good relationship with his son is healthy and something I am sure he appreciates.

Your husband's ex-wife has put you through a lot and I think at this point it would not be unreasonable to message her and say what you have said above. Let her feel the embarrassment of those questions, if she responds thereafter just ignore but at least you've got it out there and said your piece. It's not always healthy to suffer in silence and let someone else abuse you and use you.

I sincerely hope that regardless of how well your relationship is with your husband that you DO NOT use your own finances to support his son. You have no financial obligation, this is between the parents only. I also hope your husband will understand and respect that. Make it clear to them both that whilst you do adore their son and only wish him well, he is not your responsibility, especially financially. When he is with you, you will always do your best by him but that is it. It is extremely shameful and unreasonable for either of them to accept any money from you for him.

I sincerely hope things do get better for you, but you do not have to continue to tolerate her nonsense. Speak up for yourself, say what you wish and leave it be. I hope your husband understands that too. Evidently she won't change but at least you will put her in her place.

All the best to you OP.

Agree with @MakeItRain

Bloody awful for you op! All on her terms, it should be what’s best for dss but unfortunately it probably won’t be until it’s too late. I’d suggest grey rock as much as you can, you may find it helps.