To think it's ok to text DSS !

[Justwantaneasylifenowplease]

Been with DH 10 years, DSS is 12.
DSS mother is being a complete nightmare at the min. (It goes through cycles) So DH and I working hard to ensure DSS is happy and secure with us. DSS's mother is very controlling.
DSS was with us for the weekend, great weekend had by all. DSS was texting his dad earlier and sent him a gif. Saying show this to easylife, it's her fave character from the movie we watched. So I sent him a gif of the same character back. Queue dialogue back and forth. Next text I get is from DSS's mother, from DSS's phone. (Which is bought and paid for by DH)

Hi easy,
This is DSS's mother. Do not contact my son again. This phone is for essential contact between DSS and your husband alone.
Regards.

I have blocked DSS's mum due to vitriolic abuse, I should add.
Needless to say I was upset. DH is seeing DSS on Monday so will talk to him then and his advice is ignore the mother. I've always been respectful, never over stepped the boundaries but currently can't seem to put a foot right. This is the same mother who when was too busy to pick DSS up earlier demanded I drop him home, when DH said he couldn't as had a beer. The same mother who is demanding my wages are taken into so she gets an increase in maintenance!!
AIBU to think that sending your DSS a harmless gif is completely fine !!!

I would just ignore her completely. Don't text again. It will only fan the flames. For DSS' sake you need to keep the conflict as low as possible. Texting him back as suggested by previous PP is only going to inflame the situation. Your DH needs to just let DSS know that he's done nothing wrong, it's just adult politics that he doesn't need to worry about and all the grown ups concerned love him to pieces. He will probably need some reassurance. Without bad-mouthing his mum, perhaps you could also say that you won't text his phone again because you don't want to cause any upset, but that he shouldn't interpret this as you not caring.

Next time you see your stepson tell him you won't text him again because you don't want to get him in trouble, but if his dad puts a smiley wink emoji at the end of his texts it will be a hello to him from you.

You sound like a great step mum. Feel so sorry for your step son.

YANBU and she’s being petty which will only hurt her son in the long run. Rise above it and vent privately so you don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she’s got to you.

I havent read any of your other threads, but I have a child who is a similar age to your DSS. If my ex-husband's partner started to text my DC I would be quite concerned because they dont have the relationship that would support that level of contact. Only you will know (not any Mumsnetter, regardless of how many threads you have posted) whether you have that relationship or not.

But I am not horrible, unreasonable, ridiculous, petty, jealous, bonkers etc words from the posts above. But my ex-husband's partner would probably, if it suited her, claim all of the above. I am wondering why you need to text a child. That child has 2 parents. Your DSS was communicating with his dad, not you; yet you had to butt in and start texting him back.

Your DH is to tell his child to ignore their mother. That won't end well.

Oh dear - at that age hey text like mad - is was a jokey conversation - started by the child sending a gif to he woman he sees every weekend.

I am a bit over sensitive to the whole step mum thing - but really this is a non issue.

I would rather he had a good relationship with her and thought fondly of her.

We had similar OP, tis a pain. Heads I win, Tails you lose.

Its lovely that he asked his Dad to show it to you, you did nothing wrong. She’s just jealous, best to ignore her and don’t give it much thought. Your SS will be old enough soon to manage communication and he won’t like his Mother trying to police who he can send a Gif to! Just wait it out, it gets better when they are a bit older.

Really SpongeDog, after 10 years you'd be upset about your child's step mother sending a few texts?

Utterly ridiculous.

And yes, petty.

Yes, of course it should be fine to text him.

However - and I think you know this, really - you do need to take a breath and be the adult here. What is going to be the best thing to do for DSS? If you texting him is going to result in his mother going crazy at him, or causing problems with his contact with his dad, or whatever, you might need to take a step back.

I was very clear Cheese in my post that it depends on the relationship. In the OP the DSS had text his dad, not his stepmother. So this wasnt an exchange that was started by the child. So this 12 year old is receiving unsolicited text messages from the OP.

So no, not petty, or ridiculous. The name calling says more about you that it does about me or my views.

You sound like the dsm many dscs wish they had got, op. This feels so unfair, you're not supposed to contact your son/stepson whichever term you use in real life because of this infant woman's jealousy?

Probably best to leave it so he doesn't get an ear bashing, and avoid any and all conflict with , or discussion of, his mum. But it might be a good idea to let him know before next time that while you won't disturb him when he's at his mums it doesn't mean you don't care and he can always contact you if he needs you.

So this 12 year old is receiving unsolicited text messages from the OP

Hardly. The child sent something to his Dad asking him to show it to OP.

It's quite clear from the OP that she gets on with her stepson.

Would you be so concerned about 'unsolicited' texts if it were his aunt/God mother etc... Or is it just because she's a step mother?

You make it sound like texting your step child of 10 years is something sinister.

I sent my DSS a cute picture of our dog the other day because he'd been telling me he wanted one for his profile picture.

Should I have sent it to his Dad to send to him because 'he has two parents'? Or can we just accept that children are allowed positive relationships with more than just Mum and Dad.

Sponge you DO come across as petty and ridiculous though! The text wasn’t unsolicited- the 12 yr old asked his dad to show his stepmom a picture and she sent him one back- followed by a conversation between them. Contrary to what some possessive mothers think, stepmums can be friends with their step children and love them. It’s nothing for the mother to be jealous of. They’re not taking their place or pushing in, but like it or not a step parent does hold a role in the child’s life. It’s much better for the child if the other parent let’s that evolve and the child/step parent get on surely, rather that causing the child to feel guilt/bad for liking them. Otherwise it will invariably backfire on the controlling parent sooner or later (probably sooner at 12).

@spongedog If you actually read the post properly before posting you would have seen that the son text his father to show the OP a GIF (which is like a snippet of a video) in regards to a character she liked, the OP then responded. Evidently the son is comfortable enough with the OP to even think of her and tell his dad to show her something. The initiation of contact with her was the sons choice, no one else's.

I won't comment on your personal choice regarding your situation but each to their own.

I wish you could be my DC's step parent. The one we ended up lumbered with was a chip off the ex's block. Fueled his fire against us. Enjoyed making our life difficult and miserable. Was a catalyst in why contact was stopped.

Definitely take a big step back from any contact directly or indirectly with either DSS or his mum, unless DSS is with you/ with your DH.

Until everything is sorted.

It's important not to fuel people like her. Keep screenshot records of any possible communications from before, between you both and her, plus anything she sends from now. Keep everything backed up on a computer and/ or a memory stick (or email them to yourselves to a separate email address you can set up for just this) as this will be needed in court.

I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation. Being a step parent is one of the hardest things to do. I've been one twice (well, officially). Good luck. I remember the other thread, yesterday I read it.

DH talked to DSS, his only concern was to check that DSS wasn't upset by me texting.
Of course not, we were just talking about the movie in GIF's - was DSS's response I don't think DSS knows his mum sent the text. It's just all mental, really feel for DSS as he must feel so torn by it all ...... but don't really know what else I can do . I wouldn't be surprised if she has blocked me on DSS's phone. It's so petty and tit for tat. She won't be happy until I leave DH........

I am sure your heart in the right place and you are doing your best for DSS but for your own mental health you really need to back off and accept you cannot change DSS’s mother. She is what she is. Yes, it’s nice that you have a good relationship with your DSS ( the kind I wish I had with my step mum) but you need to disengage slightly. Have contact when DSS is at yours and no more. He knows you love him and that is more than enough.

Let DH deal with his ex. Do not get involved. The woman clearly has her own issues based on your threads. Don’t let those issues become yours. Be good to yourself. I wish everything goes well with the IVF 🌷

I feel for you OP. We are also dealing with a volatile ex, DSDs mum.

She asked me not to buy presents for DSD (small presents for birthday and Christmas) and to give her (the ex) the cash instead. DP has had to reduce the maintenance he paid as it clearly wasn’t being spent on DSD. He was picking her up from school in school shoes and coat that were too small. He now buys these things for her directly as well as paying for uniform, after school club and hobbies.

Ex has a bee in her bonnet as I’m quite a high earner and I am expecting money requests to increase as she seems to have worked this out quite recently. The house we live in is mine (mortgage) so I pay the mortgage and anything that needs doing to the house and DP pays for half the bills and food. My view is that this frees up more of his money to spend on DSD so I am already effectively subsidising them as if DP and I weren’t together he would have to rent somewhere suitable.

Also, the ex doesn’t seem to do much with DSD. DP has her two nights a week plus one night and day at the weekend and always makes an effort to take her out to museums, cinema, national trust etc. All paid for by DP.

She's clearly unhinged and wants to wind you up. You are going through IVF and can do without the stress and drama.

Please don't send anything (tempting as it is!) The absolute best thing you can do is totally ignore her.

Your poor DSS with such an awful mother. He's lucky to have you. But tell her no more lifts.

Some parents are hilariously selfish, treating their children like they are property.

A loving step parent is a great thing, just completely ignore her - she sounds unhinged

I know I can't reason with crazy. So no matter what I do it would be wrong. If I didn't text DSS I wouldn't care. If I do it's over stepping the mark. I just need to be supportive to DSS and ignore the mad woman. She's got herself into a difficult position financially and is lashing out. She is behind on her school fees and expects DH to pick up where she left off. Plus she is unable to pay her staff wages and apparently has no one else to ask but DH so has asked for him to lend her the money. When she's alone and stressed she just behaves in a disgusting manner. Unfortunately we are at the brunt of this currently.