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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this crossing boundaries

31 replies

Icecreamtime · 28/04/2019 21:03

A bit perplexed so wanted your thoughts as I don’t feel I can voice them at home . I have a friend that I haven’t seen for weeks . We work together and see eachother daily normally. All. Back to normal tomorrow when he returns from a big trip overseas . He had text me on many occasions saying how much he misses me , misses hanging out at work , talking etc since he’s been away . Just got a message from him saying that he’s never missed me like this before and can’t wait to see me this week. We are only friends but it seems a bit full on . I am married, he is in a semi relationship . Why do I feel unsettled ? Are boundaries a bit crossed here ? Thanks

OP posts:
Cherylshaw · 28/04/2019 21:06

I don't think you have to ask why you feel unsettled, i personally think it is obvious this is inappropriate.

Original poster
Icecreamtime · 28/04/2019 21:08

For context, we are extremely close friends and there has been nothing to indicate any inappropriateness until these messages over the last few weeks . Thanks for taking your time to reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Icecreamtime · 28/04/2019 21:11

Plus he has mentioned that he hung out with his girlfriend since he came home but ina casual way . Which is why I am weird about the messages. Almost like this is completely normal behaviour as friends. I don’t chat to my friends like that . We just see eachother whenever and respect that we are all busy etc

OP posts:
Cherylshaw · 28/04/2019 21:27

To be fair i don't have male friends but i would find it really inappropriate to get messages like this especially if it isn't how you normally text. If i was his girlfriend i would feel a uncomfortable if he was texting you like that

Ginger1982 · 28/04/2019 21:28

Yeah I don't think this is normal to be honest. It sounds like verging on an emotional affair to be honest.

Chocolate35 · 28/04/2019 21:32

I have male friends, they would never speak to me like that. It’s very inappropriate. You need to let him know that.

MangoBananaSleep · 28/04/2019 21:33

I’d be weirded out if my friend (male or female) was sending me such messages. It’s just weird behaviour.

Graphista · 28/04/2019 21:36

Yes he's crossed a line and needs to back off and you need to tell him so.

But really you knew that already.

SinkGirl · 28/04/2019 21:38

Would it be okay for your husband / his gf to read it? If not, it’s over the line. I wouldn’t be happy with this.

optimisticpessimist01 · 28/04/2019 21:40

I have a few close male friends that have never even come close to speaking to me like that. His behaviour is definitely crossing boundaries and my DH would not be happy if he knew another man was sending me those messages

Original poster
Icecreamtime · 28/04/2019 21:53

Yes I agree with you all. It seems inappropriate and unusual and is lot his style whatsoever . I immediately deleted the messages as a knee jerk reaction. They unsettled me and yes I wouldn’t like my husband to read them for fear he would think there was something untoward going on which there absolutely isn’t . This guy is very in touch with his feelings and his nature would be to be very open and demonstrative . A super friend

OP posts:
Original poster
Icecreamtime · 28/04/2019 21:54

Don’t know what his girl friend would think. I dont know her and as far as he is concerned he is happy and things are going well .

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 28/04/2019 21:57

Definitely a bit much

Original poster
Icecreamtime · 28/04/2019 22:00

I can’t stop thinking about the words . He said he couldnt understand why but this trip he really missed me and couldn’t understand why but couldn’t wait for us to catch up !!! I was reading it thinking wtf !! Not looking forward to work now as I find it all a little weird and expect it to be awkward

OP posts:
Mammatino · 28/04/2019 22:13

It is over the top and I agree with previous posters about boundaries. Try not to worry too much about work, try to be your normal self and react to his holiday stories as if this hasn't happened. If he touches on why he has missed you so much, it may be because something happened and he needed a friend. If it's because he had some realisation of his undying love for you after one too many pina coladas.... Well just remind him of your marriage and that you don't feel comfortable with him turning your friendship into a fantasy. Hopefully it was just too much gin.

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 22:17

Ok so he obviously fancies you and is giving you the green light for an affair...

Original poster
Icecreamtime · 28/04/2019 22:17

Yes this is what I’m hoping . There is being close and open and then there are these messages . There have been a few of them. I have ignored them . I just reverted back to chat about his girlfriend but no bite

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/04/2019 22:19

Definitely crossing boundaries, especially because you both have partners. That would make me very uncomfortable.

Trebla · 28/04/2019 22:20

I talk to 2 of my girlfriends like that. Would you feel similarly if he was female?

Original poster
Icecreamtime · 28/04/2019 22:20

No he doesn’t fancy me . We are friends for years and years . He was being open and honest but in my opinion completely inappropriate .im so much older than him and I’m not fanciable to him or his age bracket I think . Makes me feel uuuurgh . No way . Really dont think this . Only think I can think of is if he is cooling off on his relationship and needs to talk but then he won’t talk because he isn’t a very nice boyfriend and I haven’t held back on my thoughts on that

OP posts:
Original poster
Icecreamtime · 28/04/2019 22:21

I don’t even talk to my girlfriends like that or my sister !

OP posts:
RubyWho · 28/04/2019 22:22

If it feels off or odd or you don’t like it, then it’s crossed a boundary.

Trebla · 28/04/2019 22:23

I think he really values you and you friendship, is likely working through something and wants to talk it through with you or just be near you as you are safe, familiar and he trusts you.

Yesicancancan · 28/04/2019 22:25

Perhaps it’s his gf and she is seeing what reaction she will get by sending lovey dovey messages

Yesicancancan · 28/04/2019 22:25

Pretending to be him

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