Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want him to see the baby AIBU?

29 replies

Chacha99 · 28/04/2019 20:54

Partner and I have split with 6 month old baby. He has been extremely horrible to me just extremely disrespectful , rude and hurtful. I say to him he can always be in babys life but I wont give my child over to him after receiving verbal abuse like that? Aibu?

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 28/04/2019 21:00

Yes, you are, it is as much his child as yours and he has as much right to have alone timne as you do. He was mean to YOU, not to the baby, you're being vindictive using the baby as a weapon to hurt him back.

Original poster
Chacha99 · 28/04/2019 21:05

I've never stopped him and I wouldn't I just feel this way if u get me.

OP posts:
Marriedwithchildren5 · 28/04/2019 21:26

Sounds like your using your baby to score points. You're probably both as bad as each other by what you've said.

Cryalot2 · 28/04/2019 21:30

Check the legal standing on this to keep yourself right.

Thehop · 28/04/2019 21:33

If he’s a fit parent then I’m afraid you have to try and take a step back and yes, his relationship with his baby needs to be facilitated.

Original poster
Chacha99 · 28/04/2019 21:33

I'm.not using my baby for anything. I'm just trying to keep the baby out of the drama. I wouldn't actually ever stop him for seeing his baby but I would just appreciate if he didnt speak to me the way he does. I hope and pray none of you are in this situation one day. Was the last thing I wanted for my family.

OP posts:
MatchSetPoint · 28/04/2019 21:35

YABVU a baby isn’t a pawn to play around and score points with, children and babies have no place in parents arguments the two things are separate a child’s needs are put before anything and your child needs a Mother AND a father.

Ginger1982 · 28/04/2019 21:36

Of course you should expect him to speak to you in a civilised and respectful manner, especially around your child, but unfortunately, you really need to try and foster a relationship between them.

Order654 · 28/04/2019 21:37

Yes your being unreasonable. Grow up.

Tunnocks34 · 28/04/2019 21:37

Surely if you can’t be near each other without him being awful to you, the best thing for the baby is contact away from that? So not with you and him together.

If you have concerns about his parenting, look into contact in a contact centre (I’m fairly clueless about this and I’m not sure if you can just request it though)

If you just don’t like the way he talks to you, then yabu, he is equally entitled to time with his child.

I appreciate how hard it must be for you, but the baby is the number one priority not your feeling.

Chocolate35 · 28/04/2019 21:40

How old are you OP? You need to try and keep your relationship separate from your kids relationship with him. Don’t tolerate the abuse but don’t use your kid as leverage either.

Original poster
Chacha99 · 28/04/2019 21:45

Thanks for the info I know i am being unreasonable and I am really just venting. And hoping that this hard time does get easier for all of us.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 28/04/2019 21:48

As someone who has been there my advice is to arrange contact via a third party, a mutual friend or a family member who can deal with handovers. Arrange visitation and child maintenance or if you can’t agree go through the courts and then only contact each other in an emergency. It’s a truly awful time for you but I promise it does get better xx

LIZS · 28/04/2019 21:50

Maybe it would be better if someone neutral handed the baby over or was at least present , to avoid giving him an opportunity to verbally abuse you.

LadyRannaldini · 28/04/2019 21:54

Maybe he wasn't too keen on your attitude to him!

youknowmedontyou · 28/04/2019 21:56

Surely if you can’t be near each other without him being awful to you, the best thing for the baby is contact away from that? So not with you and him together.

^^this

kattekitt · 28/04/2019 22:01

Give ‘my child’ over to him.....

The child is both of you, not yours or his - think about what is best for the child and that is having positive relationships with both parents. Surely this guy must have been ok in your eyes at some point in the past?

If he’s ever abusive to the baby then that’s a whole other matter and he wouldn’t deserve the chance, but please don’t be that parent, don’t bring the child up filling it with hatred you have towards it’s father, it’ll end badly once the child is an adult - but will also leave a whole lot of issues for that poor child to work through

youknowmedontyou · 28/04/2019 22:02

A bad partner is not necessarily a bad parent.

Newyearnewname2019 · 28/04/2019 22:03

Yabvu. Your relationship (or not) with eachother is nothing to do with your baby. S/he has two parents. If you don't want to see him yourself then arrange for someone else to do a hand over. It's his baby as much as yours. You have no right to prevent any contact between the child and the father. I'm sure you'd kick off if it was the other way around.

FlyingMonkeys · 28/04/2019 22:03

I facilitated pick up/drop off between a 3rd party for 3yrs at one point. It wasn't ideal in that I'd ideally preferred an all act like adults approach. However it worked very well and my child never witnessed anything negative, but had quality time spent with both parents.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/04/2019 22:04

You can self refer to a lot of contact centres. Would mean that no chance for him to speak to you like he does?

GreytExpectations · 28/04/2019 22:10

YABVU that baby is not just you're, its his too and he deserves to be involved in the baby's life. Him being a father has nothing to do with your personal feelings of him. I suspect this was a bad break up for both of you but using your baby as a pawn is awful

Chiochan · 28/04/2019 22:23

'A bad partner is not necessarily a bad parent' - but a man who verbally abuses a kids mother is not likely to be a great parent either.
I was in this situaiton with my ex and it is very difficult. I did facilitate him having the kids and managed the abuse by thinking how it benifited by kids to see their dad.
My advice, as long as you are 100% sure he is not likely to harm the kids either emotionaly or physically, is to try to see it purely in these terms, he may think he is lording it over you but actually you are securing the best for your kids, so fuck him.
Also do consider the third party option, even if it is just having a mate around 'accidentlhy' at the times he comes to pick the baby up, a witness will tone down his behaviour hopefully.

bridgetreilly · 28/04/2019 22:28

I'm really unclear what you actually do want:

Is it: "I don't want him to see the baby"

Or is it: "I would never actually stop him seeing the baby"

The first is unreasonable, the second is reasonable.

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 22:32

YWBU to stop him seeing the baby simply because he's been unpleasant to you.

However, it isn't going to be good for the baby to witness him being rude and disrespectful during handover and YWNBU to expect him to behaviour reasonably or, if he can't, make arrangements for someone else to collect her.

Contact is because the baby has a right to a relationship with her father. As long as it isn't causing her harm or distress, you need to support it.

Try to separate your emotions about his behaviour towards you from his contact with her. I know that's really hard but it will help both you and your DD in the future.

Swipe left for the next trending thread