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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of treating grandchildren differently

47 replies

Ar100 · 28/04/2019 16:39

DS has a 9 year old step daughter and a 20 month old son and the other day he said he thinks I favour his son and treat them differently. I don't think I'm favouring him at all. In all fairness I've only known his step daughter for around 2 years and she's shy so when I first met her I didn't want to be too "full on" and make her uncomfortable. She's still quite quiet around me and I try to make her feel comfortable but I think DS was expecting us to have a close relationship straight away and that would be lovely but it's up to her. I probably do pay more attention to my grandson when I'm looking after them because he's so much younger. Sometimes her and my DD (who's 14) will go to the park or get some sweets from the shop together, according DS that's trying to get rid of her. He also brought up that I forgot her birthday not long after meeting her, no one had mentioned it to me so how could I have known? He seems to be over thinking things a lot and I'm not sure why

OP posts:
Original poster
Ar100 · 28/04/2019 16:52

Bump

OP posts:
Wurkit · 28/04/2019 16:53

I wouldn’t expect a step grandparent to have as close a relationship as a grandparent.

Lovely if they do but anyone I’ve known to have step grandparents was not close to them.

sonjadog · 28/04/2019 16:53

So what examples did he give you of you favouring one child over another and what would he like you to do/ stop doing?

Order654 · 28/04/2019 16:55

Well one is your actual grandchild and one isn’t, you probably will be a lot closer to your dgs.

Also the birthday comment is a load of rubbish as how were you meant to know?!

GertrudeCB · 28/04/2019 16:57

Do you favour your dgs? Be honest.

BarbarianMum · 28/04/2019 16:59

I think the OP has been honest Gertrude

LinoleumBlownapart · 28/04/2019 17:00

My mother and my mother in law have always my younger children more attention. The relationship changes as children get older, it's natural. If you'd met your step granddaughter when she was a baby it would have been different. I think your son is over thinking this and trying to force a relationship. Relationships need to develop naturally. I would tell him to leave you two alone and let you bond at her pace.

Original poster
Ar100 · 28/04/2019 17:03

He mainly just pointed out how I pay more attention to dgs. I don't think think I favour him, I do see him as more of a grandchild, I saw his birth as the birth of my first grandchild and becoming a nan which it was but I still see her as part of the family of course. I just don't feel as much like I am her grandparent which is the case

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 28/04/2019 17:05

Sometimes her and my DD (who's 14) will go to the park or get some sweets from the shop together

My 9yr old would love that. As long as it is clear to her that it is her choice I don't see a problem with that. You could maybe say 'would you like to stay here with me and your brother or go to the park/ shop with DD?' That way it is her choice. You will treat a 9yr old and 20 month old differently, but to appease the parents presents etc should be seen to be equivalent e.g. pyjamas, age appropriate craft etc.

CupoTeap · 28/04/2019 17:07

I would imagine this is coming from her mother.

It will be the little things such as how you great them for example.

user1486915549 · 28/04/2019 17:08

Well one is your grandchild and the other one isn’t.

NaBiAgOl · 28/04/2019 17:12

Well, one is a baby and your grandchild and the other is a child and not your grandchild so it's understandable so long as you don't let the step grandchild feel that she second best.

I'm sure you're not doing that. If you treat them differently it is probably because babies are easier.

step up the effort with the little girl.

AJPTaylor · 28/04/2019 17:12

Does she have her "own" grandparents? The she may already have 2 loving grandmothers!
I would let ds know that you treat the grandchildren differently because one is a small child you have known since birth, the other is a 9 year old

BlueSkyBurningBright · 28/04/2019 17:15

I expect my mother to favour my dc over my dss, and I expect DH's parents to favour dss over my dc, and that is what happens. I see no reason for the grandparents to get caught up in the step situation.

ThanksItHasPockets · 28/04/2019 17:15

If his DSD is nine then perhaps she is getting to an age where there might be some strain in his relationship with her. Could he be projecting this on to you?

MaybeitsMaybelline · 28/04/2019 17:16

I also think this is coming from the mother and would guess the step daughter is missing out on any relationship with her paternal grandparents.

I would like to say in the same situation I would treat both equally, even to the extent of trying extra hard with the SD. However I accept that the natural instinctive love won’t be there immediately but hopefully will develop over time.

MatildaTheCat · 28/04/2019 17:17

It sounds like your DS is being pushed from behind and it’s his partner who is unhappy about the situation.

To be honest, in your place now I’d make an effort to be extra kind and inclusive. I can see that at family gatherings it would be hard for a 9year old to have a baby brother getting all the attention.

Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 17:17

I totally agree that you are bound to feel more for your grandchild.

As long as there is no obvious snubs (arriving it’s sweets for one child but not the other) I think it’s only natural that you will have a closer bind with your grandchild. I am sure you are kind and generous towards this little girl - but I assume she has grandparents of her own who also spoil her.

It does irk me when people expect an instant family, with everyone becoming second mummy’s daddy’s and grandparents overnight. It is too much to expect, and it’s shows a lack of respect to the real parents and grandparents.

Step families can work brilliantly as long as the children are loved by all the adults involved - but it’s best to let everyone find their own rythem and not force it or over analysis every situation.

Livelovebehappy · 28/04/2019 17:19

Probably this comment was driven more by his DP than by himself. You do see quite a lot of angst on MN from SMs on this subject. The facts are that should your ds split up with his DP, you would likely have no further involvement with your SGC but the reality is that you will always be in the life of your DGS. After all SMs openly admit they love their own dc more than their DSC so why would it be any different for grandparents to feel the same?

Imogen24 · 28/04/2019 17:21

It's great that you don't distinguish between the two children in that you want a happy, loving relationship with both. It will happen in time.

Some experience of all that in my family - I'm glad to say that my DH's mum loved our children equally, including the so-called step grandchildren. Children are children. You sound like a really lovely mum/grandmother.

NomNomNomNom · 28/04/2019 17:22

I actually disagree with PP and think I could feel as close to a SDC as I could to one who was genetically related to me. With a child who is older when you first meet I think the relationship takes a bit more effort as they'll be more shy in a way a baby won't be. I don't think you've done anything wrong but I wouldn't go on the defensive about this. I'd ask your DS how DSD feels and perhaps ask how you can bond with her? She's part of the family now so I think it's worth that investment.

lboogy · 28/04/2019 17:23

Definitely sounds like it's coming from your Son's new partner. I think you should consciously try and treat the children the same even if subconsciously you aren't.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2019 17:24

There is a massive difference in age between the children. You are also allowed to be really happy about your first grandchild. Your 14 yo taking your dsgd is hardly getting rid of her. I think that’s treating her as part of the family. She’s getting on old enough to go alone and is going to want to have time with people of a similar age.

Perhaps you could do something with her alone one time?

Bringbackthestripes · 28/04/2019 17:29

I don't think think I favour him, I do see him as more of a grandchild, I saw his birth as the birth of my first grandchild and becoming a nan which it was but I still see her as part of the family of course. I just don't feel as much like I am her grandparent which is the case

But surely if this is how you feel then you are favouring him automatically? Totally understandable but you can’t say you don’t favour DGS when you don’t even view her as DGD, despite knowing her longer.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 28/04/2019 17:31

*I totally agree that you are bound to feel more for your grandchild.

As long as there is no obvious snubs (arriving it’s sweets for one child but not the other) I think it’s only natural that you will have a closer bind with your grandchild. I am sure you are kind and generous towards this little girl - but I assume she has grandparents of her own who also spoil her.*

This.

I have a DS and a DSD. My parents treat them both with love, but not exactly the same (for example, they attend their older grandchildren school shows but not DSDs). She has 2 sets of biological grandparents to fulfill that role in her life.

Blended families are hard. You can't win sometimes.