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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Accused of treating grandchildren differently

47 replies

Ar100 · 28/04/2019 16:39

DS has a 9 year old step daughter and a 20 month old son and the other day he said he thinks I favour his son and treat them differently. I don't think I'm favouring him at all. In all fairness I've only known his step daughter for around 2 years and she's shy so when I first met her I didn't want to be too "full on" and make her uncomfortable. She's still quite quiet around me and I try to make her feel comfortable but I think DS was expecting us to have a close relationship straight away and that would be lovely but it's up to her. I probably do pay more attention to my grandson when I'm looking after them because he's so much younger. Sometimes her and my DD (who's 14) will go to the park or get some sweets from the shop together, according DS that's trying to get rid of her. He also brought up that I forgot her birthday not long after meeting her, no one had mentioned it to me so how could I have known? He seems to be over thinking things a lot and I'm not sure why

OP posts:

Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 17:35

But she’s not this little girls gran. As long as she is kind to this little girl, shows an interest and makes sure she is happy in her care, I’m not sure what else she should do?

A step child is not the same as an adopted or natural child, but the relationship can be great if there isn’t too much pressure placed on it.

Beachbodynowayready · 28/04/2019 17:37

At 9 and 20 mo of course the younger one needs more looking after, maybe find an activity to share with the dd that the ds is to young to share in?
Different ages not different df's is an acceptable way to describe the different relationships.
Yanbu to have not forced yourself into the dd's life as a dgm!

yumyumpoppycat · 28/04/2019 17:38

I think the age is a big factor. a baby will need a lot more attention, also if sgd had been younger when you first met it would prob be different. Nothing wrong with 14 year old taking her out that sounds perfect.

Original poster

Ar100 · 28/04/2019 17:56

I think it is likely this could be coming from his partner

OP posts:

Hassled · 28/04/2019 17:58

I think your DS is being a bit nuts here - of course your relationship with his SD is going to be different. My PILs have been fantastic with my DCs from my first marriage - always treated the same in terms of the birthday cheques etc - but I'd never expect them to feel for them the same way they feel for my younger DCs, who are their grandchildren. Why would they?

MummaBear2Be2019 · 28/04/2019 18:08

I am actually surprised at some of these responses.
We have had 5 children introduced into my family by 2 of my siblings and the children were instantly treated the same. Years later they are still treated the same and are no different to the children my siblings have had with their partners. They are my nieces and nephews as much as the 'biological' children 🤷‍♀️ I do not understand how anyone can actually treat children differently.

Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 18:12

My boyfriends parents are lovely to my daughter. They are warm and generous, and it is clear they are always delighted to see her. But she isn’t their grandchild, and she calls them by their first names.

She recently had a grandparents day at school, and invited her grandparents, there was never any expectation that my boyfriends parents would be involved.

It’s confusing for children when we blur the lines on who is who n a family - I am sure this little also feels closer to her grandparents then she does to you, it’s only natural.

Dieu · 28/04/2019 18:13

Your approach has been quite sensible so far, in not wanting to 'crowd' the child. Your son can't expect a relationship to happen overnight, and he sounds very defensive of the whole thing. Perhaps the girl's mother has said something.

Could you perhaps spend a little bit of 1:1 time with the girl, even if it's just going out for hot chocolate, or the cinema? I would probably want to do that in the interests of fair-play, even if the relationship isn't quite the same.

Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 18:15

I worded that clumsily - what I meant was we shouldn’t force relationships - but let them develop over time. As long as there is no obvious snub to any children and everyone is made to feel welcome

RandomMess · 28/04/2019 18:24

What other GP does DSGD have?

blackcat86 · 28/04/2019 18:29

Well you do only have the grandchild? Obviously you should be treating your sons son's stepdaughter nicely which it sounds like you do but you still need to get to know her and your son will need to accept that. My parents rarely see DSS but have a good relationship with my DD. If they see DSS that's great but he has 2 sets of loving grandparents and really doesn't need my parents playing GPs as well when that's not what they are. He simply knows them as Black cat's parents and that's fine. It sounds like your son is trying to create something that isn't there

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/04/2019 18:38

I don't think he can expect the same, one is your grandchild the other not. She has her own grandparents just like she has her own parents.

I think there are always differences in blended families, a birth parent would naturally be closer to their own child than one that is not theirs I would imagine.

Is she insisting DSGDs family treat the younger one the same?

CripsSandwiches · 28/04/2019 18:41

I think some of these posts are quite unkind. If two siblings come into your home it would be cruel and mean spirited to treat them differently.

Original poster

Ar100 · 28/04/2019 18:58

I know she has a set of grandparents on her dad's side none on her mum's side

OP posts:

FlyingMonkeys · 28/04/2019 19:01

Has there been an expensive money purchase on your part for dgs? For example a car seat, travel system? DS's partner could have meant it's not 'equal' if Dsd didn't get a present of equivalent value. Although in that case she would be extremely unreasonable imo.

Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 19:05

Crisp sandwiches - it doesn’t sound like the children are being treated differently - op is being kind and welcoming, but the baby needs more attention.

I don’t think anyone her is advocating being unwelcoming to the step children, it is just being acknowledged that many grandparents will feel more for their grandchildren - in the same way that most adults won’t automatically love their parents in law in the same way they lover their parents.

CripsSandwiches · 28/04/2019 19:08

@Dippypippy1980

I didn't mean to imply OP is doing anything wrong I was responding to the posters saying "well she's not your grandchild, you only have to be welcoming". If my grandchild bought a friend round I'd be welcoming if my grandchild bought their sibling round I'd be more than welcoming - I'd make a real effort to get to know them and treat them as a member of the family. Obviously you won't interact with a 9 year old in the same way as you would a toddler.

jacks11 · 28/04/2019 19:16

The thing is this little girl may well already have good relationships with her own grandparents and not really want to have another set of "grandparents", but happy to develop a caring relationship. And I think you can be caring of a step-grandchild and make sure they are treated well/fairly- e.g. birthdays acknowledged in the same way, equally treated at christmas, all taken out for treats in the same way- without actually needing to feel exactly the same way about them.

There can also be ways that they can be treated differently which is perfectly ok- e.g. grandparents will often go to school concerts or performances/sports days and similar. If parents and one/both sets of grandparents are going, I don't think it is necessary for step-grandparents to go.

Adversecamber22 · 28/04/2019 19:18

What happened to her Mums parents?

yumyumpoppycat · 28/04/2019 19:26

Currently my mum is helping out with my db's son who has just turned two, and looks after him once a week. If we are there at the same time as db's family my mum might end up giving the 2 yo more attention than my older children who are 8, 11, 13 because he will actively seek out his lovely nanny - it doesn't mean she loves him more than my children - it's just because he needs someone with him all the time and the older kids can occupy themselves.

TriciaH87 · 28/04/2019 20:10

Your son is concerned about her feeling left out. I understand that your grandson needs more attention being little when in your care so maybe you could offer to have her without him occasionally. Take her to the cinema or for ice cream. Some one on one time to strengthen that relationship. Put her birthday on your calendar ask them to update you if she has a class play etc. Tell your son you did not want to push her as at 7 when you first met you were concerned she would feel your pushing your way in. I understand your sons concerns as my eldest is not my partners by blood. He has however raised him since aged 2. His mum is fantastic as is her side of family treats both children the same. His father step mother however do not always. Like our youngest just had a birthday and received £30 yet when it was his brothers he got £20. That bothers me as I feel they should be treated the same or not at all. Sit down with your son and his partner when the children are not around and ask what you can do to build that relationship and where your going wrong. Tell them if they feel she's being treated differently to let you know how. Obviously if a toddler is running about they need watching to make sure they stay out of harms way so 50 50 attentionwise at that time may not be possible but doing things she likes without the younger sibling is.

Waveysnail · 28/04/2019 20:15

Could you have the 9 yr old around for tea one day a week after school? Perhaps do some craft type stuff or baking? Build a bit more of a relationship if that's what her mum wants.

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