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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally done with 'best friend' of 18 years.

29 replies

DietriotukMN · 28/04/2019 13:47

Hopefully wont be too long. Heads up, I am crying my eyes out and on my second vodka orange.

My best friend, let's call her 😾, and I have known each other since the start of secondary school. We are incredibly similar in many ways, and we have always just 'got' each other.

Over these 18 years however, she will randomly drop me like a hot stone for weeks/months with no explanation as to why, the only things she will say to me during these times are incredibly hurtful personal remarks about things I have told her in confidence.

I cant remember the number of times where we have arranged something, either just the two of us, or when she has been invited out with my family to events/dinners etc. Where she has texted me saying she was getting ready, then was on her way, to not showing up at all and giving me radio silence for days.

One that springs to mind in particular was my meal before I left the UK to live in Israel. She assured me she was coming, told me she was on her way, only to then tell me she wasnt feeling good so she was staying home. Mutual friends saw her shortly after at a illegals pad, smoking and sniffing.

Every single time this happens I accept her back into my life. And every single time it hurts more than it did before.

AIBU to have told her to fuck off? We were supposed to meet Friday, but had text and hadn't heard anything back by 2pm so assumed like usual I had been blown off. So I did something with another friend. She then texts hours late and is really pissy that I have changed my plans. Was i unreasonable? And would I be unreasonable for cutting her out now for good?

OP posts:
BiscuitDrama · 28/04/2019 13:50

I think you should have dropped her after the second time she let you down. Smile

Definitely time to do it now. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

TemporaryPermanent · 28/04/2019 13:53

You both sound a bit flaky - I'd usually call if I hadn't had a text response but I know I'm quite old. it sounds like this friendship is much more trouble than it's worth. No drama though - just don't contact her. Maybe enjoy seeing her around or out in town when there's no pressure and you're not making arrangements? or in groups where it doesn't matter whether she shows or not. if her behaviour hurts you, remove yourself from the situation.

namechangel · 28/04/2019 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M4J4 · 28/04/2019 13:56

No, you would not be unreasonable. Why do you let her treat you like this? I don't treat people I dislike I like this, and yet you see her as a BF.

So I did something with another friend. She then texts hours late and is really pissy that I have changed my plans. Was i unreasonable?

Was she expecting you to wait for her?

PillowTalker · 28/04/2019 13:56

You sound like a doormat, at least you've come to your senses.... Better late than never.

cstaff · 28/04/2019 13:57

So you played her at her own game and she didn't like it. What a surprise - not. You have made the right decision. She doesn't deserve you as a friend. Maybe she will learn, maybe she won't but this is not your problem any more.

Original poster
DietriotukMN · 28/04/2019 13:58

@temporarypermenant I texted her to see if we were still on. No response so I went with her usual pattern. Please explain how you feel I am flaky?

@Biscuitdrama thanks for the support. I am devastated

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 28/04/2019 14:00

Smoking and sniffing. Yeah ditch her. And never let anyone use you as a convenience again.

RozyRoz · 28/04/2019 14:03

OP I'm sorry to hear this. I know how upset you are. X

She doesn't sound like a friend though.

Forget the flakiness, there could be explanations for that, but you don't bad mouth friends or break their confidence and tell people things you shouldn't.

X

Motoko · 28/04/2019 14:08

You really shouldn't have put up with her behaviour for so long, so you're certainly not unreasonable to ditch her now. It's about time.

Witchofzog · 28/04/2019 14:12

You deserve better than this op. It sounds like she brings nothing to your life than hurt and let downs

mouldyhousemouldylife · 28/04/2019 14:14

She treated you as a convenience friend. I have a lot of experience with these types sadly. I'd just stop making contact.

CurtainsOpen · 28/04/2019 14:14

She isn't a best friend at all.

stayclosetoyourself · 28/04/2019 14:16

Regardung Friday I think you could have told her if you didn't hear back you wouldn't be going either ..
And I think telling her to fuck off is emotionally driven and might make you feel equally bad
But yes no more best friends - acquaintances now, no more chasing arrangements.

Tara336 · 28/04/2019 14:19

I understand how your feeling, I think sometimes we invest more in a friendship then the other person does. You end up treated poorly because you let them. Her reaction to you going out with someone else shows this perfectly ie how dare you not be available to me (ignoring the many times she’s let you down). It really does hurt but as others have said you deserve much better than this

Summersunshine2 · 28/04/2019 14:26

She's no best friend!
Just distance yourself from her and stop making arrangements.
No need for the 'fuck you' drama. No need to be unpleasant. Just let it go.

Boysey45 · 28/04/2019 14:35

You should have binned her off years ago.
Just move on, no decent person treats another like this.

Starlight456 · 28/04/2019 14:38

You owe her nothing . Times move on people change . She makes no effort for you betrayed your confidence . She is no friend.

Have you challenged her on her behaviour? What does she say?

hamsternamechange · 28/04/2019 14:40

This is not a best friendship.

You can't lose what you never had.

Move on my darling and find some new friends. Flowers

LonelyTiredandLow · 28/04/2019 14:41

I'd explain your reasoning. If this is regular behaviour on her part she needs to realise people will find her unreliable and not wait around for her.

You can keep her as a 'friend' but don't get drawn in so deep that you rely on her - make sure she is one of a few out rather than the only one. Make room for a real best friend in your life.

Amiable · 28/04/2019 14:43

Poor you. I have been in this situation. One time I didn't hear from her for over a year. Of course, when she did call I was so pleased to hear from her and we did meet up. FIRST thing she said to me, "oh, you've cut your hair. It's very severe isn't it." No hello or anything!

At that moment I saw her for what she was, someone who only wanted me in her life when I was useful, or she had nothing else to do. I stayed about half an hour, made my excuses and left. She called me about 2 weeks later, and asked me why I had not been in touch. I took a deep breath, and said "because I didn't want to". End of 'friendship', and I honestly don't regret it. Of course, after that friends and family all admitted they couldn't stand her and didn't understand why I put up with her for so long!

You deserve better, and you need to cut her out of your life.

ElspethFlashman · 28/04/2019 14:43

You were never her best friend.

PregnantSea · 28/04/2019 14:53

What are you getting out of this? Sounds like you have better friends and you don't need to put up with this nonsense. I'd be cooling off the communication and focusing on the other people in my life.

StrippingTheVelvet · 28/04/2019 15:04

I get it's a bit crap but it's really not a crying your eyes out and downing vodka two days later scenario darling. Have you anyone you can chat with for some support? Maybe the GP could offer some help for what sounds like quite an anxious time.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2019 15:17

You should have dropped her like a hot stone years ago, when she started divulging personal things that you confided in her. She sounds awful, tell her to feck up and move on. She is not worth your time.