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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driving without a child car seat - AIBU?

40 replies

Peterrabbitcandoone · 28/04/2019 08:06

Hi,
First time posting and need some perspective.
DD is almost 2. Dad has only met her 8 times. Agree to him, his mum and brother having her on their own yesterday for the 1st time.
They texted saying they wanted to take her swimming. I called and said I was uncomfortable with this as she's only been in a small pool with me and the local pool is loud, boisterous etc. and they agreed to only take her to the small pool at their hotel.(They live about 300 miles away so stay in a hotel the night before a visit)
On collection it turns out that they took her to the local pool and as they didn't have her car seat she sat on her dad's lap. They only let this slip as her nappy leaked on him. (They only changed her nappy once between 9-4)
So not only did they not respect my wishes but broke the law.

I was so shocked and relieved to collect her it wasn't till afterwards it sunk in what they'd done.

Bsck story - haven't been with dad since pregnant and he's much younger than me. Not on BC. Holiday romance. Also very unreliable and has form in getting drunk and not turning up for visits so I was nervous about the visit.

How would you all tackle this?

OP posts:
Osirus · 28/04/2019 08:10

I would buy a second car seat to let them use. Annoying, but not worth the risk.

crumble82 · 28/04/2019 08:10

I’ve never been in this position but just wanted to say your not BU about the car seat thing. If he is young and inexperienced fine but that’s just common sense and you’d think his mother would know better at least. If I were you I’d insist on being nearby at all future visits, ie a different table at soft play, sitting in the cafe at the swimming pool etc so you can take your DD there yourself and also keep an eye on her.

hidinginthenightgarden · 28/04/2019 08:11

I would tell him that as he has been so irresponsible with your childs life, you will be doing back to whatever arrangement you had before you let him take her out without you.

Patchworksack · 28/04/2019 08:12

Total dealbreaker - no unsupervised access. They have extremely poor judgement.
What's the deal from a legal perspective? Does he pay maintenance? Would he take you to court for access? Do you have any proof of this incident you could use later if necessary? (screenshot of texts etc)

user1471549213 · 28/04/2019 08:14

No way would I allow him to have your child again. He broke the law and put your child's life in danger. Either he provides a car seat for her or he doesn't get to see her out of the hotel again.

daphine2004 · 28/04/2019 08:22

I would speak with him and explain the situation. He may never have been around kids before or realised the danger.

He needs a car seat to fit his car, so you buying one wouldn’t be appropriate as it needs checking.

I wouldn’t stop vista because of that, although I would be angry and upset and the ‘what ifs’, but it’s a learning curve. If the right equipment isn’t available or conditions met on his visits then I’d keep a note, in fact I would be keeping a note of these things anyway, just in case you need them in the future.

Eg. 27/04/19 took DD in car without a car seat and she sat on a lap. Spoke to ExP on phone 28/04/19 to get an understanding of what happened and he said XX. I’ve told him XX. He said he understood.

daphine2004 · 28/04/2019 08:24

Also meant to add, if you’re not comfortable with certain conditions not being met don’t let him have her. Explain why and note or down.

Bambamber · 28/04/2019 08:28

There is no excuse for that. Not being round kids and not known the dangers? Come on now. If he is that dense then he shouldn't be around the child unsupervised. Plus he wasn't on his own. One of them should have known that if you don't have a car seat you dont go out in the car. It's not rocket science.

BillywilliamV · 28/04/2019 08:32

Just explain about the car seats, he may genuinely think that short journeys aren’t an issue, lay down some ground rules.
Why not work on a good relationship with him for your daughter’s sake?

Sexnotgender · 28/04/2019 08:37

Total deal breaker. If he cannot keep her safe he cannot have unsupervised access.

Original poster
Peterrabbitcandoone · 28/04/2019 08:53

I don't want to stop access as I want to foster a relationship between them. In fact i have gone out of my way to do this. To give you an idea - dishonorably discharged from army (drugs), lost his licence before he actually got it for driving on drugs. L9ts and lots of other stuff. He's not dad of the year but he's the only one she's got. I'm.. more annoyed at his mum who I specifically asked not to take her to the public pool and said - as you won't have a car seat.
They knew it was wrong as his mum said oops. I got the impression they weren't going to tell me but her dad let it slip. (He's good looking but thick as shit, my only excuse for pro creating with him)
Woyld people suggest a solicitor letter laying down sone safety ground rules?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peterrabbitcandoone · 28/04/2019 08:56

He pays 30/ a week maintenance.
No he wont take me to court. I have no proof just verbal conversations.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 28/04/2019 09:01

He sounds like an irresponsible idiot, but unfortunately he is her dad and I don’t think you can justify cutting all contact because of the car seat. I think you should keep a record of what has happened and next time ask him to show you the car seat before he takes her.

The pool sounds like a bit of an exaggeration on your part. Many 2yos would have a lot of fun in a big pool and the ones that hate it make their views well known really fast. No one would be able to stay in a swimming pool with a screaming 2yo so it’s a lesson he would learn from his DD quite quickly.

Sickandsurprised2019 · 28/04/2019 09:06

Oh come on, three adults don't know a toddler needs a car seat? Irresponsible.

Text him OP so you have it in writing , ask him why none of them had a car seat already. It is his duty to get one. He gives non resident parents a poor name.

My friend hadn't even held a baby and he and mum weren't together when she was born. They were friendly but he didn't expect her to hand hold him and tell him what to do, he researched himself and had pram, car seat and cot ready for when he had her.

cliquewhyohwhy · 28/04/2019 09:09

Can't you lend them your car seat if they only visit every once in a while?

Sickandsurprised2019 · 28/04/2019 09:09

Cross posted. So they knew she needed a car seat and they all still took her. What guarentees do you have this family will look after your child and keep her safe? Use a car seat next time, hold her hand at roads, make sure she isn't left alone with dogs?

I think you need supervised visits as you can't trust any of them and know already that they would lie

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2019 09:12

So he's a child. But his mum and dad are grown ups presumably?

And they don't know about car seats or nappy changing? What did they feed her?

Supervised access sounds sensible to me.

FraggleRocking · 28/04/2019 09:12

It’s not like it was an oversight. There was a plan to use the hotel pool, they knew they’d need a car seat to go out, so they lied. Not a great step in fostering future relations. As others have said, lay down ground rules (car seat etc) but also that for this to work they’ve got to communicate honestly.

Original poster
Peterrabbitcandoone · 28/04/2019 09:17

He's 24. Mums my age...
I said she likes avocados, smoked salmon, sausages etc and they fed her lots of chocolate and pancakes for lunch. They even commented that she didn't eat much.
Yes they deliberately lied to me.
To reiterate I am not looking to use this to stop access.

OP posts:
Ayemama · 28/04/2019 09:28

I bet it was his mother’s idea and said they didn’t need one, a few years back it was normal to transport babies for short distances on people’s laps, one of my mums friends once asked why we stopped the car on long journeys to feed my daughter as she just sat in the back and fed her children while her husband drove. Totally lovely and responsible lady just very old school.
That being said it’s not ok, and I’d be beyond angry if this happened with either of my kids. And the not changing a nappy thing is ridiculous.
When you’re all out together or he’s at yours does he change her then? You maybe need to suggest he’s more proactive about that.
I totally get you wanting her to have a good relationship with him but he doesn’t have to take her away for that to happen.
Maybe suggest it’s not unsupervised until they have a car seat and you’ve seen it and they have all completely apologised for this as it’s not acceptable especially as you’d talked about there not being a car seat

KateyKube · 28/04/2019 09:28

He sounds like a deadbeat. He’s only visited his DD a couple of times in her entire life, he risked her life and broke the law, and he completely went against what you’d agreed and just took her wherever he felt like. I wouldn’t be at all happy with a virtual stranger taking my baby swimming and would be utterly furious about the car seat. At this point I’d be looking for court ordered contact ideally supervised.

Sickandsurprised2019 · 28/04/2019 09:35

Supervised access is not the same as stopping it. It just means she will be in a safe environment. Or given you pushed for contact, are you worried he will drop her if you do?

sockatoe · 28/04/2019 09:56

As they are inexperienced, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to fit your car seat into their car for their visit, showing them how it is fitted correctly. There's no excuse for this but hopefully it's a teething problem. Safety should not ever be a compromise.
They will inevitably do things differently to you. They're different, they want her to enjoy things which give them pleasure. Chocolate and pancakes isn't going to harm her for 1 afternoon. She's experiencing a different family's normal. It just so happens that it's her family too. Car seat - no compromise. Food - I think you're going to have to accept that they don't see her often enough to make a difference and that your rules reign when you're in charge, but vice versa.

popehilarious · 28/04/2019 10:01

Being ignorant of the basics of looking after a child is one thing, but conspiring to lie about it is another. No way would I let my dc unsupervised with them/ him until they'd actually earned my trust.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 28/04/2019 10:07

Supervised access as pp have said isn't stopping it. It's ensuring responsible adults, who have no loyalty to either parent, just the child's well being are there to supervise contact.

They knew she needed a car seat, yet couldn't be arsed to buy one despite forking out for a hotel and 300 miles of fuel.

Clearly his parents are as shit as he is.

Supervised contact would also give your child time in a safe environment to get used to and build up a bond with her dad.

The food thing you'll have to let go, annoying as it is. XH used to fill DS1 with fizzy drinks, sweets and junk until he threw up. Court told me there was nothing I could do or say about it.

(Although the day he threw up McDonald's, a massive smoothie and an ice cream all over XHs car just as he brought him home on the hottest day of the year before a 2 hour drive home was spectacular. Especially since I was apparently unable to provide cleaning products for the car Grin. Mostly because my concern was for how DS1 was feeling and wanting to get him inside and comfortable, but a little bit of spite too.)

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