Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Driving without a child car seat - AIBU?

40 replies

Peterrabbitcandoone · 28/04/2019 08:06

Hi,
First time posting and need some perspective.
DD is almost 2. Dad has only met her 8 times. Agree to him, his mum and brother having her on their own yesterday for the 1st time.
They texted saying they wanted to take her swimming. I called and said I was uncomfortable with this as she's only been in a small pool with me and the local pool is loud, boisterous etc. and they agreed to only take her to the small pool at their hotel.(They live about 300 miles away so stay in a hotel the night before a visit)
On collection it turns out that they took her to the local pool and as they didn't have her car seat she sat on her dad's lap. They only let this slip as her nappy leaked on him. (They only changed her nappy once between 9-4)
So not only did they not respect my wishes but broke the law.

I was so shocked and relieved to collect her it wasn't till afterwards it sunk in what they'd done.

Bsck story - haven't been with dad since pregnant and he's much younger than me. Not on BC. Holiday romance. Also very unreliable and has form in getting drunk and not turning up for visits so I was nervous about the visit.

How would you all tackle this?

OP posts:

Ce7913 · 28/04/2019 10:12

Cool, so keep endangering your child out of faux-noble notions of 'family'.

Keep sending your innocent, vulnerable munchkin who can't protect herself or speak up off with someone who gets so drunk he doesn't show up for visits, regularly uses and drives under the influence of drugs, doesn't put his child in a carseat and doesn't feed her properly.

They blatantly disregard your explicitely stated rules.

They ignore the law.

They ignore basic common fucking sense.

They lie to you.

They don't adequately care for her needs.

They are categorically not safe, competent or trustworthy as caregivers.

...And they would give about as much of a fuck about your 'solicitor letter' as they do:

the road laws of your country
the drug laws of your country
the army's code of behaviour
your parental authority, and
his parental responsibilities according to both legal and social norms.

...Which is to say, literally not at all.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 28/04/2019 10:20

To be honest I can't believe you are handing your 2 year old over to someone who has only met her 8 times in her whole life. Access should be built up over time. I'm gobsmacked you've just willingly let her go

Passthecherrycoke · 28/04/2019 10:22

I don’t think the car seat is actually that important in the big scheme of things, you are going to have much bigger concerns with his care of your DD, because he’s inexperienced and hasnt tried to learn before caring for her. He also doesn’t agree with your way of bringing her up in regards to food etc.

In terms of the actual situation I would just lend him your car seat whilst he’s with her.

MaxNormal · 28/04/2019 10:24

Seriously he sounds like a waste of space. I'm sure you can find better male role models for your daughter. I think you're mad to let them take her unsupervised.

ijustcannotdoit · 28/04/2019 10:27

IMO you are failing your daughter by allowing her to be cared for by these people.

Disappearedtothe80s · 28/04/2019 10:27

Being a bit unfair re the food OP stuff like salmon and avocado is expensive. They probably thought chocolate and pancakes were a nice treat.

And yes they were well out of order re the car seat, I can't believe they thought it was alright for a toddler to be sitting on the lap I mean come on even if they did come from that generation surely common sense knows that a toddler needs to be in a car seat (I say this as someone who raised their dc in the 90s).

That said I think you need to cut them some slack, heaps of parents take babies / toddlers into the pool, there are lifeguards etc.

Passthecherrycoke · 28/04/2019 11:01

Well it’s alright in a minicab so I can see why a lot of people would think the risks are similar for their own car. However as a PP said you’re being v naive to expect someone as unlaw abiding to care about things like this tbh

kbPOW · 28/04/2019 11:03

A contact centre is the only sensible way to go.

Shelbybear · 28/04/2019 11:06

They should have asked to borrow your car seat. To be honest though, I would have asked if they had one or do they want to borrow it.

I'm not sure if I would be comfortable for them to have her again. Certainly not without addressing the issues you mention.

Next time they have her, say she must be in a car seat. Check well in advance. I'd also mention that she needs her nappy changed more when they pick her up. If you don't want it to sound like a criticism you could say she leaks through if it's not changed every 3 hours. Give them some food for her (you shouldn't have to but chocolate and pancakes for lunch 🙄) or tell them that is not a proper lunch. Good luck it sounds like your going to need lots of it!

IsAStormApporaching · 28/04/2019 11:09

Like a pp said a contact centre is the only safe way to allow access.

You child clearly doenst have them to make sure he/she is safe so it is up to you to take a hard stance when it come to safety.

LynetteScavo · 28/04/2019 11:24

I wouldn't let my own family have unsupervised access to my child if they did this.

I would be super nice to your DDs dad and insist on being with them at all times.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 28/04/2019 12:46

I'm sad to advise that CAFCASS were involved in my DC's contact arrangements and I supplied them with a huge list of reasons why I wanted supervised contact.
One of these was DC's father kept "forgetting" car seat for toddler child before taking them for long motorway drive home (he would be arriving from elsewhere also meaning he was short of sleep) and would also put DC in the front and when I asked him not to he said he would do what I wanted if I did what he wanted (ie stopped asking him for money he owed me)!
CAFCASS caseworker response to this point was to say that she had spoken to him and explained that back of car with car seat was safest place for DC. ....Oh well that's ok then
As I say this was one of very many points (a book basically) and yet CAFCASS did not support my request. I honestly feel that unless your child returns home beaten up then they will always support allowing any NRP access however infrequent.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 28/04/2019 12:49

By the way I do mean in a contact centre - and I said I was willing to pay for this to ensure my DC's safety was prioritised (which he has told me blatantly in this instance and many others it was not).

raviolidreaming · 28/04/2019 13:57

I really hope this isn't real.

Chamomileteaplease · 28/04/2019 14:04

Why is a shit dad who puts her life at risk better than none?

Why are you not looking to stop contact??

He sounds so awful with no clue how to look after a child. How can you leave a little one year old with such thick idiots?

For god's sake, don't leave her with them unsupervised again!

Flip

1 2