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AIBU?

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Original poster

How do I deal with this?

36 replies

ThisCoolBean · 27/04/2019 23:52

DM has started to do this really frustrating thing. She’ll think she’s told me about something, or asked me for help, when in fact she hasn’t. She’ll then get in a right hump with me for not helping her or knowing about it, when she didn’t even tell me about it in the first place! Then gets in a double hump when I tell her I don’t know anything about it, as in her mind she did and she won’t tolerate me contradicting her.

One example: she got a letter that spooked her a bit as she thought it was asking her for money. First thing I knew about it was when she said ‘well, you haven’t even bothered to help me with that letter’, and I have to say ‘what letter?, of course I’ll help you but I need to know there’s a problem to begin with, I’m not psychic!’ But she swears blind she did tell me. She didn’t. I know she didn’t because if she had I would have had a look at it. I’m happy to help her, but I can’t help with things I don’t know about!

Second example. Spoke to her this morning at about 10. Said I’d be round tomorrow ie Sunday as we’d planned to go out for lunch all together with my family. What time will you be round, she says. ‘11’ I say.
At 1pm this afternoon I get a call from her where she says ‘well, we’ll just leave if for today shall we? I’ve been waiting 2 hours for you, there was lots I could be getting on with but I’ve just been sat here waiting’.
I try and explain we agreed Sunday but she’s not having it, and thinks I’m so mean as I’ve kept her waiting for 2 hours. If I try and explain how the conversation actually went she accuses me of shouting at her and being patronising.

I’m getting sick of it. I’m happy to help her, I can understand if she gets confused sometimes, we all do, but I hate the way she instantly goes in on the attack on me, when I’m unaware of what it was I was supposed to have done! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
Bambamber · 27/04/2019 23:54

Is her getting confused a new thing?

CoolCatKat · 27/04/2019 23:56

I hate to suggest this but it sounds a bit like my DM when she was first starting with her Alzheimer's.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2019 23:58

Your mother needs to see her gp. As soon as possible. You do realise that something is very wrong, surely?

Original poster
ThisCoolBean · 28/04/2019 00:04

To be honest, her confusion has been going on for a while, but she’s been in and out of hospital over the last year with one ailment after another, I’ve asked time and time again for a dementia assessment (mainly based on her inability to take care of herself or her understanding of what she needs to do to be healthy) but they’ve said no, she’s fine.

I’m worried it may be dementia, but she seems fine in other ways. She’ll not take kindly to me suggesting there’s a problem and a trip to the GP.

OP posts:
Greeborising · 28/04/2019 00:05

You really need to get your mum some help here.
It definitely sounds like she may have some condition that is effecting her memory

Original poster
ThisCoolBean · 28/04/2019 00:09

I’m just a bit worried actually as she’s just only recently started living on her own, her partner has passed away, so obviously grief will play a part with her memory. I phone her every morning to make sure she’s ok, at her request as she had a near miss last year, was very ill and only ok as she was found by her partner). She’s able to cook, navigate an online Ocado shop, can manage to watch TV as I’ve simplified her partner’s v complicated smart tv for her, but can’t do her own finances (in part because he did everything for her in that respect).
Obviously her memory isn’t great. I’m going to have to be a lot more tactful with her and try and get her to see the GP.

OP posts:
CoolCatKat · 28/04/2019 00:10

Maybe take her to the GPs on the pretence of a general health check but request the memory test they do for cognitive impairment which would get the ball rolling for her. Im sorry you are going through this, been there myself, its so stressful Flowers

Original poster
ThisCoolBean · 28/04/2019 00:10

Any advice on how to best approach it? Can I see her GP to explain the situation myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisCoolBean · 28/04/2019 00:12

Ah cross post but great advice CoolCat, I think she is due a general health check up and she would want me to go with her for that. I’ll look into that definitely. Thank you.

OP posts:
CoolCatKat · 28/04/2019 00:12

One of the first signs of DMs Alzheimer's was the tv remote "not working properly". Im not saying this is what your DM has. Could be anything.

CoolCatKat · 28/04/2019 00:13

Yes its worth making an appt with her doc before you go together to voice your concerns openly.

Original poster
ThisCoolBean · 28/04/2019 00:14

Ok great I’ll do that, I wasn’t sure if you could have an appointment about someone else if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisCoolBean · 28/04/2019 00:16

Sorry about your DM CoolCat Flowers

OP posts:
CoolCatKat · 28/04/2019 00:16

Altho DM was fobbed off initially and told she was "stressed" so it might be worth insisting firmly on a memory test. We have a memory protection unit you can be referred to round here. You can ring them for a chat.

Pondlife87 · 28/04/2019 00:17

I would call her GP and explain what is going on and see if they can offer any support. Do you have any siblings or anyone else close to her who can help you with this?

CoolCatKat · 28/04/2019 00:17

"ThisCoolBean

Ok great I’ll do that, I wasn’t sure if you could have an appointment about someone else if that makes sense"

It might not be possible in all gps.
Thanks x

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/04/2019 00:25

With my aunt, my mum and I went to her GP (the receptionist agreed to make the appointment but made it clear we wouldnt be told any confidential details, which we knew) and told him our concerns. He was initially dismissive so I asked would he be happy giving that information to social services as that was our only other option.

Suddenly she got an assessment and she was diagnosed with dementia.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/04/2019 00:27

Sorry....

my point is that a GP can do an initial assessment when they know there is a problem, without the patient necessarily being aware that they are being assessed. That is what happened with my aunt. When he realised that there was a problem and it went further, she was ok with it (Well, as ok as anyone would be) because it came from the doctor and not us.

Original poster
ThisCoolBean · 28/04/2019 00:30

Unfortunately no other family, as she was a single mother and I’m her only child, and all other family have passed away. DH thinks she’s just being mean and playing on not being able to do things as she’s lazy, but I really don’t think it’s that, I think she needs help.

In the past she’s been really really confused but it has always turned out to be a UTI.
This time it seems more subtle. She seems more switched on but more adamant that she’s right.

The other night her mobile wasn’t working. She struggles with it, though about 5 years ago she was able to WhatsApp and text me all the time. She couldn’t do that now. But she was indignant because her phone wasn’t letting her make calls. Turns out there may be something wrong with the SIM or something, quite complicated really as I needed to order her a new one etc. But it’s as though she thinks things as deliberately out to cause her annoyance, rather than being life’s little problems that can be solved.

Although if it is a dementia type situation she may realise herself deep down, and be getting scared and defensive. I’ll need to work out a way to make things easier for her.

OP posts:
Kiki275 · 28/04/2019 00:32

Hi OP, my mum was exactly the same. I can't remember the number of times I was accused of lying to her and her creating really public scenes (whereas once she would have given me 'the look' and waited until we got home). The biggest issue we found though was the doctors could do nothing without my mum admitting there was a problem. We had to almost set her up and force her to agree that sometimes she got confused etc. It's an awful thing to go through for yourself and terrifying for your mum but be persistent because the sooner it is treated the better.x

Original poster
ThisCoolBean · 28/04/2019 00:34

Social services have been involved following all her previous spells in hospital, they’ve been dismissive of my requests for dementia assessments, but DM didn’t do herself any favours as she refused point blank any help from carers, let alone going into a nursing home. She now seems to be blacklisted from having a chance to go to a particular rehab centre in the future as she kicked up such a fuss about it before.
My point being, she’s kind of known to social services but they’ve always said there’s no hint of dementia.

I’ll try her GP on Monday.

OP posts:
DointItForTheKids · 28/04/2019 00:44

The assumption of the person, when their memory really starts to go, is that someone else is doing something, probably intentionally criminal or devious or mischievous as that's the only thing they can imagine could possibly have occurred, because they simply CANNOT remember what they did with their purse or whatever. The immediate assumption is 'so and so stole it'. So yes she could be getting defensive but at the same time, she may not even realise she's having these problems (hence the 'it's been stolen/why are you keeping secrets from me' etc type responses).

My DM who has vascular dementia ended up thinking that the NDN was controlling her cooker and tv channels Hmm and she told me someone had stolen her shopping trolley when in fact she had walked out a shop and forgotten it (nice shop owner kept hold of it there in the shop for her) they'd hadn't stolen it at all obviously.

You may have to push strongly for assessment - sadly in our healthcare system it doesn't seem possible always to be successful with getting what you need out of it unless you are really quite insistent at every turn.

Pondlife87 · 28/04/2019 00:45

This is really sad and a huge failure of the health and social care system to your mother and you. Patients who have dementia can often 'mask' their difficulties and I really think they should be listening to you, as you know her best and can see the changes. I would ask for a referral to the memory clinic for a full cognitive assessment (they normally complete a MOCA test) to highlight needs, and have a general chat.

mathanxiety · 28/04/2019 00:52

Before you do anything about an assessment, please broach the subject of a Lasting Power of Attorney with her, and also Advance Directives or Do Not Resuscitate orders.

If she is not able to manage her own finances then she will absolutely need to let someone else do this.

If she has not yet made a will she needs to do this as a matter of urgency too.

You may not have a lot of time to get all these ducks in a row.

If she is diagnosed it may be too late.

Part of the process of getting a LPA is an assessment by a doctor that she is compos mentis. Hopefully this will not highlight a reason to refuse the LPA that she very clearly needs.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/04/2019 00:58

Well with respect to all social workers, how the hell would they know?!

They are not medically trained and probably only get involved when a patient is very ill, so as long as she is coherent and dressed etc they wont think there is a problem. GP all the way with this.

I agree with getting POA etc sorted asap. Perhaps do it in a "My friend is having such problems as her mum is ill, perhaps we should sort out our wills and our POA's?" so you are both doing it rather than just her.