How do I deal with this?

[ThisCoolBean]

DM has started to do this really frustrating thing. She’ll think she’s told me about something, or asked me for help, when in fact she hasn’t. She’ll then get in a right hump with me for not helping her or knowing about it, when she didn’t even tell me about it in the first place! Then gets in a double hump when I tell her I don’t know anything about it, as in her mind she did and she won’t tolerate me contradicting her.

One example: she got a letter that spooked her a bit as she thought it was asking her for money. First thing I knew about it was when she said ‘well, you haven’t even bothered to help me with that letter’, and I have to say ‘what letter?, of course I’ll help you but I need to know there’s a problem to begin with, I’m not psychic!’ But she swears blind she did tell me. She didn’t. I know she didn’t because if she had I would have had a look at it. I’m happy to help her, but I can’t help with things I don’t know about!

Second example. Spoke to her this morning at about 10. Said I’d be round tomorrow ie Sunday as we’d planned to go out for lunch all together with my family. What time will you be round, she says. ‘11’ I say.
At 1pm this afternoon I get a call from her where she says ‘well, we’ll just leave if for today shall we? I’ve been waiting 2 hours for you, there was lots I could be getting on with but I’ve just been sat here waiting’.
I try and explain we agreed Sunday but she’s not having it, and thinks I’m so mean as I’ve kept her waiting for 2 hours. If I try and explain how the conversation actually went she accuses me of shouting at her and being patronising.

I’m getting sick of it. I’m happy to help her, I can understand if she gets confused sometimes, we all do, but I hate the way she instantly goes in on the attack on me, when I’m unaware of what it was I was supposed to have done! How do I deal with this?

Good advice! Luckily we got those set up a few years ago on the advice of one of her neighbours, so both a health and financial LPA are in place, along with a will. I am basically managing her money for her at this point, she says she ‘just doesn’t understand it’, though this is a relatively new thing as her partner used to deal with it all.

For people whose relatives have gone through dementia assessments: what was done as a result of the assessment to help? I'm worried about my mother doing one because she will be aware that she is not remembering things that she used to be able to remember, and will be very distressed by it. So, given that currently there are arrangements in place to keep her safe (semi-sheltered accommodation, finances dealt with by me, helpers sorting out meals and medication etc) is there anything to be gained by a formal assessment?

Excellent!

Good luck with the GP.

I am a bereavement listener and we had a training session recently on dementia. The presenter said that sometimes there is a reluctance to send people for dementia assessments and it’s worthwhile exaggerating the symptoms in order to force them to do an assessment. Tbh it does sound like dementia to me, and I think you need to push for an assessment.

Sometimes people would rather not know, and that is an issue worth exploring, but ime it’s better for a person to know, because then they can get the best possible help. Sorry to hear about your mum OP

Sounds like the onset of Alzheimer's to me. Has it not occurred to you to speak to her about getting checked out? Instead you're getting annoyed with her?

My DMIL had vascular dementia. We knew something was up when she was both forgetful and argumentative - even slightly aggressive at times. Was completely out of character for her. You should get your DM in front of her gp ASAP.

Hi, OP here with a little update. I discovered yesterday that DM had left the iron on for 2 days straight as she forgot to turn it off. That's really spooked her, we had a little chat and she's agreed to mention her memory to her GP when she goes to see him about something else already booked in for a couple of weeks' time.

My mum insisted we visit her at a neighbours house once. We all had some lunch then I left her to take the kids to the park whilst she locked up. When we reconvened the smell of gas nearly knocked us backwards (as would have the subsequent explosion had there been any kind of spark!) - she'd left the gas hob on full and we'd been at the park for a good hour.

Glad it's going to be mentioned as there does come a point where it gets really unsafe. Very worrying I know.

OP here again - the plot thickens...
I did an online test for alkzeimers about DM the other night when I first posted, and to be honest she came back scoring very low, which I found surprising, given how forgetful she's been. But pretty much everything was coming back in the 'normal aging' category. But I thought I must be underestimating things maybe.

Today she phoned me as she'd got a letter from the hospital, she's been invited to a follow up session as she was in intensive care 6 months ago. The letter said she may be experiencing symptoms from her experience, both physical in her recovery, and also psychological. The psychological symptoms include 'short term memory loss', and 'irritability'.

So it may be down to that. At least she's now very open about speaking about her memory issues, and she's asked me to go along to the session at the hospital. So we can raise all the issues and they'll get looked at hopefully.

Just thought I'd update in case anyone in the future has similar issues.

Has she ever had her vitamin B 12 levels measured?

Symptoms:

Weakness, tiredness, or lightheadedness
Heart palpitations and shortness of breath
Pale skin
A smooth tongue
Constipation, diarrhea, loss of appetite, or gas 
Nerve problems like numbness or tingling, muscle weakness, and problems walking
Vision loss
Mental problems like depression, memory loss, or behavioral changes 

www.webmd.com/diet/vitamin-b12-deficiency-symptoms-causes#2

Symptoms of deficiency*