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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask husband to not go to the pub anymore?!?

43 replies

ApplePieIsAmazing · 27/04/2019 18:21

For some reason whenever my DH goes out for a night with his friends he always ends up stopping a fight. It's not him or his friends starting the fights (that I'm aware of) but he always gets involved when there is a punch up.

Twice now I have been woken up to phone calls saying how he's okay but he stopped a fight, I get nervous every time he goes out! WIBU to say no more going to pubs at night or at the very least stop intervening and just call the police??

Now He's not answering his phone!

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 27/04/2019 18:23

You're unreasonable to try to stop him doing anything he wants to do, just as he would be if he tried to stop you doing something.

He does need to stop calling you just to say he's broken up a fight. That's pointless.

TrixieFranklin · 27/04/2019 18:23

Who is it actually fighting? His friends or random pub goers?

Original poster
ApplePieIsAmazing · 27/04/2019 18:25

Last time it was his friend and some random person, so he got in between them. Tonight I have no idea. He messaged to say he's just broken up a fight now he won't answer. I don't know if he's okay or not

OP posts:
MrsSpenserGregson · 27/04/2019 18:25

He needs to go to a pub where the clientele aren't always fighting each other tbh! It can't be that hard, surely?

MashedSpud · 27/04/2019 18:26

He should become the pub’s bouncer rather than doing it for free. Grin

mummmy2017 · 27/04/2019 18:26

I think he likes playing the hero...
Just explain that it worries you and ask him to take care.

Harebel · 27/04/2019 18:32

Yep he's got hero/rescuer syndrome and he's the common denominator here.

I'd stop worrying about him to be honest. It must be exhausting.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 27/04/2019 18:35

He is the problem.

Why does he even call you to tell you?

I would be surprised if this is true. You say it isnt his friends, so is he jumping in the middle of fights between people he doesnt know.

I suspect he likes being the hero, like you to believe he is the hero. He is grossly exaggerating (probably just telling someone to calm down) or talking bollocks then bragging to you.

My friends husband is a bit like this. Hear a story from him and he sounds so heroic. Hear ot from someone else and he was barely involved. If at all.

YouJustDoYou · 27/04/2019 18:37

Well it's not every time, it's just these two times...

Passtherioja · 27/04/2019 19:28

How did you react the first time he told you?

If you were worried maybe he likes the affirmation that you care about him. Was he made to feel heroic? Or does he like causing you worry and distress?

Original poster
ApplePieIsAmazing · 28/04/2019 03:20

@youjustdoyou those are the times I've mentioned. In the past he has done the same thing.

Turns out he just told someone it's not worth it, so I suppose he prevented a fight but didn't stop one. If that makes sense.

There have been stabbings where I live so I think it's stupid to get involved. Not even sure why he messaged to tell me he stopped a fight then just stops responding, I thought something terrible had happened

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 28/04/2019 03:26

I would ask him to find a new pub. Anyplace where fights break out regularly is a bad place to be, regardless of how he reacts to the fight.

AvengersAssemble · 28/04/2019 03:37

Do you honestly believe him? Once maybe, but any more I would say him and his friends are troublemakers, or he is lying

Alicewond · 28/04/2019 03:41

You can’t stop him that would be stepping past a boundary. But you can explain to him how it makes you feel. And you can choose to leave if you don’t like the answer

HennyPennyHorror · 28/04/2019 03:59

Twice now I have been woken up to phone calls saying how he's okay but he stopped a fight,

Why the fuck would he call you if he was ok??

He sounds like a little boy looking for a pat on the head...calling you up to tell you that! How unattractive. I'd be ignoring any future tales of heroism completely.

Livingoncake · 28/04/2019 04:18

He’s full of shit. Sorry.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 28/04/2019 04:20

MN really is the only place where it could be considered unreasonable to 'try to stop him doing anything he wants to do'.

In this case, a man is continuingly putting himself in harm's way which, if worse came to worse, would affect his whole family in an awful way.

In reality, he would be told - not asked to grow the fuck up, find some friends who don't spend their nights out acting like a bunch of uncontrollable teenagers and have normal, undramatic nights out.

Sorry OP but your husband is a dick.

Monty27 · 28/04/2019 04:26

So he likes to get involved in flights. Hasn't he learned yet to keep his nose out? Sorry for the unattended pun.

DistanceCall · 28/04/2019 04:31

MN really is the only place where it could be considered unreasonable to 'try to stop him doing anything he wants to do'.

Not really. In real life, you can't really prevent an adult from preventing anything he wants to do. You can TELL him that it's stupid, or react in consequence. But what's the OP going to do, tie him down to prevent him from going to the pub?

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 28/04/2019 04:45

Hence the 'try'.

She can absolutely tell him not to continue to do something which puts him in danger and causes her distress.

The consequences come after whether or not he chooses to listen.

Alicewond · 28/04/2019 04:51

‘MN really is the only place where it could be considered unreasonable to 'try to stop him doing anything he wants to do'

You can’t stop a grown adult of either sex of doing what they want to do, unless you handcuff or chain them up. On the other hand op can choose to react to his behaviours or encourage him otherwise

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 28/04/2019 04:59

OP I think you should tie your husband down, handcuff him and chain him up.

Do you have a basement? Or perhaps a large airing cupboard?

Illberidingshotgun · 28/04/2019 05:01

There's nothing wrong with him going to the pub, but it's very odd that a grown man is getting swept into these situations when he goes out. Sounds like either he has a very dodgy group of friends who are looking for trouble, or he is somehow instigating trouble so that he can then "rescue" his friends and sort things out. Regardless, it's very strange that a bunch of adult men keep attracting behaviour that you would expect to be more from silly teens.

You can't tell him what to do or what not to do, but tell him to stop calling you to tell you about it, and suggest that he calls 999 if there is an altercation next time, rather than try and resolve things himself.

Original poster
ApplePieIsAmazing · 28/04/2019 05:34

It's not him looking for fights, he's not like that. Sounds like some friends of his friends are the trouble makers and because he's 6 foot 5 he feels obliged to stop them.

Obviously I can't stop him as he's a grown adult but when I'm worried about my husband being hurt on his night's out I just can't relax

OP posts:
JenniferJareau · 28/04/2019 05:36

He should be able to go to the pub, but he needs to pick one / ones that are not rough.