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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s up to me how I look

46 replies

Asta19 · 27/04/2019 13:30

I’m 50 this year and I’ve gained a bit of weight around the middle, nothing too drastic but I was always really slim so it is noticeable. However, I’m not that fussed about it. I know I don’t overeat and I kind of take the attitude that it will probably settle down after menopause. I also decided to stop dying my hair. My roots come through so quickly, literally within days and I don’t want to be tied to dying my hair for the rest of my life so have decided to go “natural”. I also am not really bothering with make up on a day to day basis. I feel fine and happy about all this, I’m clean, my clothes are clean and presentable etc. All good you would think.

However, the attitude of a handful of my friends and family members is quite upsetting me. They are basically implying (and in some cases outright saying) that I’ve “let myself go” and and asking me if I’m depressed. I’ve tried setting them straight but all I get back is things like “but don’t you want to look your best?”. I’m not debating or dictating whether women should or should not do these things as they get older. To me it’s personal choice but I feel like I’m getting a lot of disapproval for my choice. To the point where I’m thinking “is it me? Should I care more?” Or should they back off and accept my choice in how I look?

OP posts:

FiremanKing · 27/04/2019 13:32

Its only natural to ask why in their opinion you have let yourself go as they are worried it might imply you are unhappy or feeling down.

Just tell them at the moment you don’t want to maintain certain aspects of your appearance but are perfectly happy.

FreudianSlipSlide · 27/04/2019 13:48

I hate the expression ‘let yourself go’! It’s a nasty phrase for any woman who dares to get off the endless roundabout that is beautification for its own sake.

You are not unreasonable OP, unfortunately some people in your life are a bit rude and narrow-minded.

You are healthy and clean - if you weren’t bothering to wash or you were showing signs of illness then maybe people would be right to enquire. If you don’t enjoy preening then don’t do it.

I’m in my thirties, I wear eyeliner because I like to but am often asked by certain relatives why I don’t bother with my nails. Because I’d rather read a book!

NoSauce · 27/04/2019 13:48

It’s ok for them to ask if you’re ok but they shouldn’t push it and definitely are out of order for saying you don’t look your best. It is up to you what you do.

DH told me the other day in a jokey way that my legs needed shaving. I pointed out that so did his. He said fair point.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/04/2019 13:49

They should back off. Seriously.

bridgetreilly · 27/04/2019 13:52

"Letting yourself go" is horrid language to use and I don't think that's ever okay to say to someone.

I do think that significant changes in appearance can reflect deeper problems, and in general people asking about that are just trying to be kind and look out for you, because they care about you. If I were you I would just embrace your new look, be confident and happy in it, and shut down any further enquiries.

Whizzler · 27/04/2019 13:54

Absolutely your choice to look however you want to. If someone I cared about who had previously worn makeup and dyed their hair suddenly stopped doing that I might worry that they were depressed. But if they said to me 'nah, just can't be faffed with all of that anymore' I'd stop worrying and say no more about it.

DarkAtEndOfTunnel · 27/04/2019 13:57

The attitude you are hearing is the attitude that women only have value insofar as they decorate the place. Once they have no decoration value, or value as sexual objects for men to look at, they are deemed worthless.
Is this true of you? If not join those of us who think women have as much worth as men in themselves, not just for how they look for men, and ignore anyone who tries to tell you otherwise - and the revolution will gain strength !

Lweji · 27/04/2019 13:57

Ask them to define looking your best.
Is it looking artificial?
Like a porcelain doll?
Like a painting?

NannyRed · 27/04/2019 14:10

I do wonder about some of these ‘AIBU’ questions.

You are an adult, how you choose to live is your choice. Why do you feel you need my opinion on your hair colour!

DarkAtEndOfTunnel · 27/04/2019 14:18

Nanny lots of reporters looking for wordcounts nowadays! Who knows.

longtimelurkerhelen · 27/04/2019 14:21

Entirely up to you.

When I started going grey, my DH said, when are you going to start dyeing your hair? I said when you do yours!

I really don't want to be dyeing my hair for 30 plus years, who can be bothered?

Dippypippy1980 · 27/04/2019 14:22

I often go make up free and have never dyed my hair. I am lucky that he grey hasn’t started yet (nearly 40 so any day) but I could never fathom how people managed to be organised enough to go to the hairdressers and get their hair coloured so often - must also cost a fortune.

As long as you are happy and confident who cares what they think. Reassure them you are simply changing your look - then ignore!!

RosaWaiting · 27/04/2019 14:24

"I hate the expression ‘let yourself go’! It’s a nasty phrase for any woman who dares to get off the endless roundabout that is beautification for its own sake"

this.

I think it's awful to dictate how others should look. I have heard a friend of a friend saying something shite like "there's never a reason not to look your best" and I find that bizarre. I mean, do it if you want, but expecting it from others is awful.

my mother is still dyeing her hair in her 80s and all bar one of her friends do it as well. There is a battle, sadly, if you don't want to.

I've posted about this before but it is a pain, the pressure to look a certain way, especially at work.

it is not reasonable for them to comment at all, IMHO.

RosaWaiting · 27/04/2019 14:26

PS I do wonder if the people asking you "don't you want to look your best" - whatever they think that means - would ask the same question to a man.

Home77 · 27/04/2019 14:28

I have never worn make up, I think it is nice to be natural...ask them what about your natural self is not good enough for them? That you are happy in your skin is a positive thing!

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 27/04/2019 14:28

'Yes, I'm letting myself be my natural self,' and change the subject.

cardibach · 27/04/2019 14:29

Agree with several PPs about the phrase ‘let yourself go’. Also the idea of ‘looking your best’ and the implication that that is with coloured hair, makeup, nails done, etc etc. I don’t actually like that look on me. Crack on if you want to do it, but I AM looking my best as far as I’m concerned.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/04/2019 14:31

I do wonder about some of these ‘AIBU’ questions.

You are an adult, how you choose to live is your choice. Why do you feel you need my opinion on your hair colour!

lots of reporters looking for wordcounts nowadays! Who knows.

Sometimes, it could well be journos (although, unlike this OP, they tend to give no personal examples/background or else make a very lacklustre, generic statement before probing for content), but equally, just because you have confidence in some/all aspects of your life and nothing but happy respectful relationships with others, don't assume that everybody else (some of whom will also be young/non-NT/vulnerable/in abusive circumstances) is in that privileged position. For some people, an anonymous online forum is the only place they feel safe and able to seek advice - let's not make them feel unwelcome or a nuisance here too.

MrsSpenserGregson · 27/04/2019 14:36

YANBU

I bet it's really liberating. (Bet you look great too, although obviously that's irrelevant etc )

TheBulb · 27/04/2019 14:38

What FreudianSlip said.

Geekster1963 · 27/04/2019 14:38

YANBU it's entirely your choice. I've never worn make up in my life. I've got no interest in clothes or 'doing my hair'. It's just how I am. I'm going grey now and I don't care I've no desire to dye my hair.

If people like clothes, make up and dying their hair that's fine but it's not me.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 27/04/2019 14:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MadisonMontgomery · 27/04/2019 14:44

I imagine they are just concerned about you, if I had a friend who had previously taken care of themselves then suddenly stopped, I would worry that something was wrong. However, it is of course your choice how you look.

RosaWaiting · 27/04/2019 14:47

Madison " if I had a friend who had previously taken care of themselves then suddenly stopped"

but what is this "taking care"? Surely stopping make up and hair dye doesn't count as "taking care"?

I would worry if someone suddenly took up heavy drinking or drugs, but stopping doing a couple of tasks related to appearance is not stopping "taking care" of yourself.

DinkyDaisy · 27/04/2019 14:47

Your friends sound like my Mother!
I am not a one for make up and I just have my hair trimmed [when really needs it and fringe done twice with the kitchen scissors...] at the barbers nearby with my boys.
She offers me money to go and get a 'proper cut and colour'. Constantly faffs at me, trying to bouffant my hair in passing. She actually irritated me the other day by saying 'Do you want to look like that'?
I actually think I don't look that bad!! [Wrong side of 50...].

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