To think it’s up to me how I look

[Asta19]

I’m 50 this year and I’ve gained a bit of weight around the middle, nothing too drastic but I was always really slim so it is noticeable. However, I’m not that fussed about it. I know I don’t overeat and I kind of take the attitude that it will probably settle down after menopause. I also decided to stop dying my hair. My roots come through so quickly, literally within days and I don’t want to be tied to dying my hair for the rest of my life so have decided to go “natural”. I also am not really bothering with make up on a day to day basis. I feel fine and happy about all this, I’m clean, my clothes are clean and presentable etc. All good you would think.

However, the attitude of a handful of my friends and family members is quite upsetting me. They are basically implying (and in some cases outright saying) that I’ve “let myself go” and and asking me if I’m depressed. I’ve tried setting them straight but all I get back is things like “but don’t you want to look your best?”. I’m not debating or dictating whether women should or should not do these things as they get older. To me it’s personal choice but I feel like I’m getting a lot of disapproval for my choice. To the point where I’m thinking “is it me? Should I care more?” Or should they back off and accept my choice in how I look?

They’re as rude as fuck, try asking them an equally rude question back.

There’s nothing wrong with not dying your hair, accepting a bit of menopausal weight gain or not wearing make up. You’re not a bloody decoration.

It's absolutely up to you. I stopped wearing makeup a few years ago.
I would advise you to keep any eye on the extra weight round your middle though, not because of how it looks but because it increases the risk of diabetes. Don't assume it will go away after menopause, it might not.

I think it's awful to dictate how others should look. I have heard a friend of a friend saying something shite like "there's never a reason not to look your best" and I find that bizarre. I mean, do it if you want, but expecting it from others is awful.

I completely agree - it sounds like the kind of scripted preamble you get from MLM zombies who are grooming you before they go in for the hard sell.

Let's hope that this person never has a serious accident, develops an illness or medical condition or just gets older - imagine the offence that she would be causing to other like-minded bullies people.

If anybody ever accuses you of having 'let yourself go', just breezily reply "I haven't gone anywhere - I'm still here and I'm still the same person. Now I'm a bit older, wiser, and more confident in who I am, I've just decided to make a few little personal changes and to focus on the things that actually matter to ME and not waste my time and energies on superficial things that don't bring me any real joy or benefits, just because bullies like you a negatively oppressive society tells me I should".

If they choose to hear that as slightly PA, then maybe that should give them cause to think more carefully and considerately instead of saying such a nasty thing next time.

There's nothing wrong with sincerely and gently asking how things are and if you're OK if, say, you've completely stopped washing or if there's genuine cause for friendly concern. Such friendly concern will NEVER necessitate the phrase 'you've let yourself go'.

DH and DS have asked a few times when I am going to colour my hair, I have been growing it out for the last year. It bothers them more than me. Eyeliner and other eye make up now irritates or makes my eyes swell so I save that for special occasions. OH has run to fat, gone grey, lost interest in sex, so who would I be glamming up for anyway. If I do start glamming again, watch out I will be doing a cougar thing

Of course there's nothing wrong with a woman letting her hair go grey or wearing no make-up. But if you've previously been immaculately groomed every day and you suddenly stop bothering with hair/beauty stuff altogether then I can see why your friends might be concerned. And I'd feel the same about a male friend who suddenly stopped putting so much work into his appearance.

I've become a lot more low maintenance over the last ten years, but it's been a very gradual and natural process. If I'd quit everything (fake tan, nail polish, hair dye, gym, heavy make-up etc) all at once, then I imagine my friends and family might have been slightly concerned too.

But if you explain and assure them that everything's fine then they should of course let it go.

I'd definitely wonder if somebody was OK if their appearance changed dramatically from how they'd always been, particularly if they had always been somebody who did hair and makeup, nails, etc, religiously.

I'd word it differently to the 'let yourself go', though, I'd say something like 'I've seen your appearance change quite a bit/I'm used to you wearing makeup and it made me wonder if there's any reason for that change'.

The easiest way to know for certain that a teenage girl is very unhappy about something is for them to turn up without a scrap of makeup and their hair isn't done when they've been doing it for the last two years without fail.

For colleagues, it's two things - either not doing hair/makeup at all, or, where they don't normally do it, they've suddenly turned up with it done (and it's not staff photo day or a special event). The latter gives a feeling that they're either trying to put a brave face on or they feel terrible and are trying to hide it. Sadly, the latter can also mean they're trying to cover up bruising sometimes.

Men aren't that much different - if one stops shaving so regularly, their hair grows longer or their nails look untrimmed, it's often because there is something wrong. I know several who put on weight when they're unhappy because they don't eat as healthily, stop exercising or have started drinking more. And it's often clear when they're feeling better because they will 'smarten up' again.

So it's normal to notice and consider if there is a problem when somebody's appearance changes.

But to put pressure on to look 'better' is wrong.

Do what makes you feel happy - that's caring right there. Age and the changes it brings to how we look catches up with everyone - no one is immune, including people who say that others have let themselves go. If anyone says that to you again I'd tell them straight up that they're being incredibly rude. You can look however you like, as long as you're happy with it - and you can change that look whenever you want to to anything else you like.

SausageRoll

"Let's hope that this person never has a serious accident, develops an illness or medical condition or just gets older"

she's in her 60s, has a couple of quite major medical issues, dresses in very posh smart expensive clothes and wears makeup every day etc etc.

I have no issue with her wanting to do that. Where it became annoying was the idea that because she does it, everyone else "should" do it. She was actually saying it to someone, who agreed with her and said "Yes I should make more of an effort".

They are being horrible and YANBU.

I wish I had the confidence to not care how I looked (or what other people think!)

RosaWaiting

Fair enough - sorry if I worded it badly. I'm in no way saying that all older people or those with medical conditions either cannot or don't want to take any interest in their appearance, but in a society that too often ignores any but the the young and healthy anyway, it's very frequently not seen as a priority by people who have other more pressing things to concentrate on their lives. e.g. if you have painful arthritis in your legs, being able to manage to get about wearing supportive padded footwear will likely be of more consideration to you than being seen in ridiculously high heels that would prove a hazard for most healthy people.

I completely agree with you that it's absolutely fine for somebody to want to do this FOR THEMSELVES - it's just not at all acceptable for them to start dictating to others who don't share the same interests and priorities as they do.

Tell the next person to ask that ‘Unfortunately cuffs and collar didn’t match anymore, so I was a choice of going au naturale or painting my foof with Laboratoire Garnier, and I didn’t fancy the stinging’. That should shut them up.

I can assure people I’m not a journalist! I post a fair bit, and have probably given away lots of outing details in my posts! Sometimes I think I should hold a bit more back than I do!

I think the reason I’m asking is because they are making me doubt myself and wonder if people are judging me for my choices. So the perspective of a range of people who don’t know me, is useful and helpful.

I was never hugely well groomed before. I always wore quite minimal make up, my hairs never been great. It’s a bit thin and never looked fantastic. I’ve also never bothered too much about things like nails and tanning, so its not the huge difference it might be with some people.

I’m not upset they asked me about it, like everyone’s said, I know they asked to make sure I was ok. It was the comments that followed me saying “yes I’m ok, this is how I want to look” that have bothered me. This judgement that I’m not being my “best self”. And, as others have said, the way that these same people wouldn’t tell a man they’d let themselves go for going grey and gaining a bit of a belly!

"wonder if people are judging me for my choices"

well they clearly are. Screw them.

I turned 50 a few months ago and even though I don’t at all look my age, I’m finding that I have to put effort into looking the way I want to look. I really admire your confidence ( because that’s what it is) in being comfortable enough just to ‘be’. I hope I manage to get there soon.

I've done exactly the same as you and the worst person is my mother - in her 80s. Still dying her hair blonde, which is fine if that's what she wants, but let's not kid anyone, Ma...you're not a natural blonde any longer .

She keeps saying disapprovingly to me over my almost white hair (which I like) 'it's very aging'... Who cares? I got fed up of dying it. I tend to simply reply, 'well I am aging'.

Me too OP! Greying, can't be bothered with make-up. I'm much more concerned with how I feel than with how other people think I should look. Although I am continuing to try to fight weight gain, because of being comfortable in my own skin & being able to move well rather than to prevent offending others with my appearance. Its your life, live it the way you want.

I also decided to stop dying my hair. My roots come through so quickly, literally within days and I don’t want to be tied to dying my hair for the rest of my life so have decided to go “natural”

TBH OP there comes a time when we all stop dying our hair for one reason or another. If I were still in possession of my marbles, I'd go to the hairdresser and have my existing dye stripped out and my hair put to grey.

The 'badger' look - be that grey or black stripes as roots come through, isn't one I personally would cultivate.

"The 'badger' look - be that grey or black stripes as roots come through, isn't one I personally would cultivate."

mum says our hair will be grey and black in patches. I'm going to have to deal with that. probably a lot of hair does grow that way but it's coloured or shaved etc so we don't see much of it around.

Christ this makes me so glad I've always been low maintenance. The only way is up really, I wash every day and my clothes are clean and smart - basically what is expected of a man to be considered fit to be in public, I do. Shave my legs if I'm feeling fancy. I imagine there are many people who think I'm practically a wild woman because I don't tan, spray, style or make myself up. But .. they have to treat me like a person anyway because manners, and I save myself a shit load of time and money!

OP you carry on, fuck 'em. I think I'd anyone passes these remarks, the old MN favourite "did you mean to be so rude?" would not be out of place!

@plainspeaking do you think men should also avoid "the badger look"? Or just women?

Whats wrong with badgers? (Misses point of thread)