So angry I want to tell my exh what a shit he is.

[biggirlknickers]

But it would be pointless saying anything to him... wouldn’t it?

He owes me 3 months of crappy maintenance (£25 per week for 2 children!!!) Yet he’s soooo busy working (why is he paying so little then??) he can hardly spend any time with them - see later points.

He had a massive go at me for even bringing up the lack of maintenance payments- apparently I swan off on 5 holidays a year (I take the kids away for short, cheap UK camping / self-catering holidays whenever I can) and have £60 haircuts (true but only a couple of times a year!) and I’m too ‘posh’ to ask for benefit entitlement (I’m not entitled to any benefits. I have a paying job!)

He has the DC to stay 2 nights pw but not over a weekend so he rarely spends an actual full day with them (only in school holidays).

He has never taken them on holiday anywhere, but happily goes off with his fiancee on holidays every year (and then dares to have a go at me for going off on holiday - with the kids!!)

He never has the DC for any extra time in any school holidays apart from what he calls a ‘week’ in the summer but has in reality been 5 nights. Once a year.

Now he is getting married this year and going on honeymoon. Because he is so busy with all this, he can’t have the DC for a ‘week’ this year so will have them for one long weekend. Then on his wedding day I have to drop the DC at his house in the morning to get ready then pick them up that evening from the venue. Of course that week he won’t be having them on his usual days, or on his honeymoon week.

Meanwhile, I work bloody hard, scrimp and save to pay for everything (he doesn’t contribute to uniform or school trips at all) and base my life around bringing up the DC and giving them lovely experiences (like camping trips), with no help from him and a heap of criticism.

And I say NOTHING.

Because what’s the point? He thinks he’s wonderful. His fiancée thinks he’s wonderful. The DC think he’s wonderful.

Nothing I say will make any difference- it will just make him even more vile towards me.

I used to think that eventually the DC will see how little he actually contributes to their lives and will reject him but as time goes on I’m not so sure that will ever happen. He manages to give them just enough so that they think he’s amazing. While he gets away with being a totally selfish shit.

I know I need to rise above it all but I just feel so angry this morning.

How old are your DC? They WILL realise eventually, I guarantee you. Lots of kids around me in similar situations and at some point they have all drifted away from their shitty dads as they realised that they weren't really interested

Thank you so much for replying. I didn’t think anyone would even bother reading my ranty OP!

They are 7 and 10.

He is a complete arsehole for not supporting his DC.

But his new wife will find out that he's a shit father if they have kids together.

Have you been to the CMS?

Can they get his maintenance payments directly from his salary?

Go and see a solicitor, get everything done through the court, and get proper maintenance.

I’m considering CMS. But he is self employed which makes it very easy to hide earnings. I’m almost certain he would have no problem with doing so, especially as he seems to think I’m rolling in cash (I am definitely not!!)

I’m also concerned about the fallout from involving CMS. I’m very non-confrontational - which is another reason I don’t call him out on his shitness.

Go to CMS for money. Your children are entitled to it.

The kids are too young to realise how crap he is. If they are like my kids were then for now, the bar for him is super low and he's hitting that bar so is loved. My kids are older but realise that he's crap in ways that I didn't realise that he was crap.My oldest is NC with him, my middle child plans to go NC once she's university aged and the youngest has verbalized on many occasions how crap he is.(different issues to his siblings)

Hang in there

OP I can't handle the confrontation either. Haven't had a penny since DD was 2. CMS can't help as he quits work and does cash in hand stuff. And anytime I try to challenge him he just says he won't return DD after contact if I resent paying for her so much and as that's my worst nightmare I just leave it go. He does see her however and buys her lots of crap when she's with him (though she can't bring it home) I'm fortunate that I can afford to raise her without him but it does bother me that we live very frugally to get by, he spoils her rotten when he does have her and he's the preferred parent. No advice but sometimes it helps to know you're not alone

My DH had a shitty dad who left his mum and contributed nothing for their upkeep with sporadic access. He thought his dad was great. His mum never slagged his dad off to him but said one day when you are older you will realise and understand. It didn’t take long for him to understand. He now holds his mum in high regard for struggling to look after him and his brother and contempt for his dad. It sounds like you are doing a grand job 💐

Does he own his house?
If so he will need an income to get the mortgage....
Go CSA , you have nothing to lose.

Why do you have to rise above it? Fuck that. The guy is an asshole.

Solicitor, CMS. Your children deserve it.

I feel for you and you're definitely not being unreasonable. My ex was taken to court by the CMS and told to pay£10 per week for two DC!!! He's not paid it since the first one 4 weeks ago and I cba to follow it up for that paltry amount. He's also put me in the shit for childcare next Thursday when the fucking school closes for polling day despite working from home and Thursdays being the day he has them. He's away apparently, told me last night. I could go on and on, but the kinds of things he says to me are similar to yours. He thinks because I earn considerably more than him (as a teacher!!!) it's a travesty he has to pay anything.

How these men consider themselves fathers, and good ones too, I have no idea. Your dc are still young- there's plenty of time for them to realise and it's a painful realisation too so they may try and suppress it when it does hit. You never saying anything negative will help otherwise they may feel they have to defend him. I don't mean lying and saying he's great but just being honest without ranting about him, which I'm sure you don't anyway. My eldest is 12 and has become increasingly critical of his dad over the last two years and I can see ds2 leaping to defend him and I'm not sure he'd be doing that if ds1 wasn't constantly slating their dad.

You sound like a great parent and the dc will definitely appreciate that as time goes by.

My ex is the same, he pays me about the same and this month it’s late (after I asked him to increase payments), he does nothing with the dc’s, sees them for 5 hours a week and I this time he takes his gf food shopping to several different supermarkets and my eldest dc just sits in the car. My dc’s are 13 and 15 and still think their dad is amazing 😐😐 though I think dd1 knows deep down that her dad doesn’t really give a toss about anyone other than himself.

My ex has never had the dc over night

Go to CMS and if he tries to hide his true income ask for a variation of earnings. Think it will cost about £800.

If you dread confrontation I would go with CMS. That way you have one big confrontation but you get it out of the way.

If you rely on him paying, you will have continuous confrontations because he doesn't bother to pay. He gets the enjoyment of having a good go at you every time you need to remind him.

His fear is that you will go to CMS and he will have to pay regularly without being able to make a huge drama out of it. He won't be able to regularly bully you.

And if he is only paying £25 per week for 2 children, you have barely anything to lose if you never see him again! I hardly think CMS could award your children any less....

I hope they won’t reject him, that would be very sad for them.

But they will see how self centred he is and they will know who was always the better, more reliable, ever present, loving parent. They might appear to take you for granted at the moment but that’s just a sign of how secure they are with you. When they are adults they will appreciate you more.

Despite all the money issues I don’t understand why you are responsible for transporting the DC back and forward to assist in his wedding. Doesn’t he have family that can assist with the DC?

Your DC will realise, OP. I promise. I was 10 when my DF left and he spent years playing Disney Dad and I LOVED it. My DM meanwhile scrimped and got us by and who knows how she held her tongue but she did. I was in my late teens when I figured it all out (actually my DF made a rude comment about my DM and I almost shouted at him!), and as a mum now I’m in awe of her.

Your kids are school age now but they're still babies and unable to rationalise things. It's better that they love him now than being confronted with it at an early age and being damaged by it (my abandonment issues started around that time).

They will figure out, esp as they become teens and most people have fathers who are around / prioritise spending time with them.

CMS isn't a punishment, it's the least this man can do

You need to treat the child maintenance issue seperately to everything else cos it is.
CM also have a fraud investigation unit so if they believe your ex is hiding money they can look into it. As a starter they will look at what he pays himself, which will probably be a very low amount. You can then ask them to look into additional income which includes dividends. If hes very cleaver then yes they will struggle to get a full picture of his income and they of course do not take into consideration cash in hand. Its a longer and more difficult process than if someone is employed but its doable. They also have ways of enforcing it, eg court orders.
I probably dont get the full amount that im suppose to get for the kids, but im ok with it. There are no emotional games played as he knows there are serious consequences that would cost him even more.

My ex is exactly the same OP.

We have three DC and I don’t get much more money than you do. He’s also ‘always working’ and I know his rent is not much whatsoever plus he doesn’t even drive so I honestly have no idea what he pisses his money up the wall on.

He lives with his DP and her two DC which automatically reduces the amount he has to pay (completely wrong in my eyes!) and takes her DC to school every day but has never taken his own. He makes endless excuses not to see the DC (usually to do with work) and has been on a few holidays with his DP and her DC leaving our DC out entirely... He can’t have our DC over night anymore simply because he lives in a tiny 2 bedroom house so there isn’t enough room for five children. Literally puts his DP’s DC before his own, makes me sick. He sees the DC for approx 6-7 hours a week and in that time he will only feed them one ‘meal’ which is usually just a chocolate spread sandwich, they always come home starving. He never takes them anywhere and has never given me extra money for trips or uniform either. He’s a waste of space.

I implore you to contact CMS as I will also be doing. Other than that, you really have to remember that you’re doing the best you can for your DC and they WILL realise this when they get older. My DC have thankfully already realised this and most weeks just cba seeing him at all (which is probably a relief to that wanker).

dropping and picking up for the wedding no, he does that not you. this is his day, not yours ffs.

CMS for the kids yes there will be fall out so what and he cant hide all income if he has a mortgage.

Then disengage from him and dont rely on him for anything. kids will see through him soon enough.

Like hell I’d keep quiet.

I’d let rip what a self-absorbed sack of shit he is and that he’s a pretty awful excuse for a father.
I also wouldn’t be dropping the kids off for his wedding.
He picks them up or they don’t go, the CF.

His house is a complicated issue, and one which he loves to use to make me look like the villain.

This will ‘out’ me to anyone who knows me but hey ho, I’ve nothing to hide so here goes...

We had a joint mortgage on a house which we lived in together for 10 years. I put down most of the deposit.

We accumulated a lot of debt during that time too. Living above our means. Him secretly drinking. Me naive and easily led. I hold back from placing all the blame on him because I went into the debt with my eyes open, but it’s interesting that I haven’t accumulated a single penny of debt in the 5 years since I left him.

Anyway, when the relationship broke down I chose to leave the family home and go into rented, taking the DC with me. 5 years ago.

We divorced 4 years ago. We still had joint ownership of the house but I wasn’t paying towards the mortgage any more. He said he wanted to keep the house and was working towards being able to buy my half from me.

I waited. Two more years went by and he said he needed another three years to save up enough to buy me out.

In the meantime, I’m stuck in rented accommodation with a pile of debt that I could see no way of ever repaying and zero chance of ever owning property or getting a fresh financial start again.

I took good advice given to me several times (from National Debtline) and declared bankruptcy.

Which leaves him in the position of having to find the finances to buy my half of the property from the official receivers, and also with the full responsibility for any debts that were in joint names.

So this is his battering stick - I walk away high and dry leaving him mopping up the financial mess by himself.

Of course he gets to keep the house while I get nothing, and I’m unlikely to ever get another mortgage due to my age and debt history. So I figure we both get something and nothing out of it.

I get a fresh start.

He gets a house.

I bet you’re glad he’s an ex. His new wife will be stuck with him.
He can pick his own kids up on his wedding day or make other arrangements. He can also pay proper maintenance for his own dc through CMS.
Also, he will only contact you regarding the dc, anything you do and don’t do is none of his fucking business!