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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU- feel terrible guilt over termination

27 replies

Mitzicoco · 26/04/2019 21:37

I got pregnant when I was 21. I was in a long term relationship and was using Personna as contraception. I got pregnant. I was is in an abusive(in all ways) relationship. My partner told me no way could I keep the baby and I went along with it. I was just under 9 weeks so had a termination where I essentially gave birth to my child. I don't know what the technical term for what that is. My partner used to take great pleasure in causing me pain and even said that he found the whole experience erotic. Obviously now I see that he was a complete psycho but it ruined me at the time. It took another 4 years for me to have the courage to leave him. My main point is though is that I feel such guilt over the termination. My therapist has told me that it wouldn't be fair bringing a child into a world where the partner is abusive and clearly unwell. I have been depressed for many years about this. Can somebody please help me feel better about what I can't help but seeing as a a terrible thing. I absolutely do not want to cause any upset or offense to anyone who has gone through this but the guilt is eating me away.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 26/04/2019 21:41

I was just under 9 weeks so had a termination where I essentially gave birth to my child

Is this a typo?

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 26/04/2019 21:43

Sounds like you did the best thing at the time. A child with someone who describes what you went through as erotic would be awful. Not only for you but imagine having a father that disgusting. Honestly don't feel guilty. 9 weeks is not a baby, it's an embryo and although it's sad, you made the best choice.

Ellisandra · 26/04/2019 21:45

Why would it be a typo?
One abortion method is to take drugs which effectively trigger labour.
I had a missed miscarriage and nothing was happening after 8 weeks, so I was given “medical management” - which is the same drugs as used for that type of abortion.
I had contractions and labour pains (actually more painful that my full term labour years later) and the (sorry for blunt medical term) “foetal matter” was passed vaginally. It was like giving birth.

OP, I’m sorry you went through all of that.

I don’t know how you lose the guilt, and I know you didn’t have the choice over the termination. But if it helps in any way, I would have chosen a termination in that situation.

Keep going with the counselling. I hope you can forgive yourself, because there’s nothing to forgive xxx

Original poster

Mitzicoco · 26/04/2019 21:48

thank you so much for your kind words. I feel like I am drowning in guilt. no, not a typo.I had the type of termination where you go into a sort of false labour and pass the baby. The nurse who administered the drugs to start the termination was horrified that I had not been told that I I might see the baby. It was my baby. It had a heartbeat until I took the drugs.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 26/04/2019 21:49

9 weeks is not a fully formed baby, but emotionally it was already OP’s baby. I do get that you’re being kind not dismissive, but OP may find it easier to continue to use the word baby, if that matches her feelings.

In fact, OP - have you had any chance to say goodbye to your baby? At my hospital after my miscarriage treatment they told me that once per month they chaplain holds a service for the losses. Or you may want to do something yourself - lighting a candle, scattering petals in the sea. Would it help you to look into ways that those who have miscarried have chosen to say goodbye to their babies? If you haven’t given yourself a chance to do that, because of the guilt, you may find it healing to do so. x

QueenofmyPrinces · 26/04/2019 21:50

I had a termination when I was younger in very difficult circumstances for me and the nature of it all affected me very, very deeply.

I would say it took about ten years to every truly forgive myself and even longer before I stopped crying when I spoke about it.

Strangely enough, it wasn’t until I was pregnancy with my first child, 14 years after the termination, that I was ever able to fully put it behind me.

The guilt surrounding terminations that are performed under duress can be very, very hard to deal with.

You have my sympathies OP

Epiphany52 · 26/04/2019 21:51

Mitzicoco This organization helps women who are struggling with regret after an abortion www.archtrust.org.uk/
They have a helpful.
Wishing you healing and be kind to yourself.

Ellisandra · 26/04/2019 21:55

Oh that’s so hard for you that you weren’t prepared for what you would see. You poor love. Do you think you could ever re-frame that as a positive that you got to see your baby? You didn’t choose that termination, you suffered a loss just as much as I did with my miscarriage.

I’m not a meditation / spiritual type, but I did once do a guided meditation. You imagine something that’s troubling you, and a therapist talks you through letting it go. In my case, it was in a group, and she talked about putting your ‘thing’ in a hot air balloon basket and watching it float away. I tried to imagine my guilt at not being able to stay pregnant leaving me. As it happens, I wasn’t ready and I left and sat it out in tears. But - I did really see the value of it, and at another time I think it might have helped me.

I think it may help you in therapy to talk quite specifically about loss and bereavement, not only the abuse and guilt. x

Original poster

Mitzicoco · 26/04/2019 21:59

Thank you all. I really appreciate your kind words and help x

OP posts:

Goodmum1234 · 26/04/2019 22:19

Keep talking to your therapist. Let go of the guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty for. I’m sorry you were abused like this. Be kind to yourself

Original poster

Mitzicoco · 26/04/2019 22:21

Goodmum, that's exactly what my therapist says to me!

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 26/04/2019 22:26

This man would still be in your life if you didn’t abort or you may not even be here dv often increases with pregnancy.

You should not feel guilty

Original poster

Mitzicoco · 26/04/2019 22:36

Yes, I can vouch for that. I rang him at work when I found out I was pregnant. He came home immediately (I thought to offer support and to talk) but his initial reaction was to slap me round the face and tell me that I must have made a mistake with that sodding Personna thing. (never have trusted it again).

OP posts:

LordNibbler · 26/04/2019 23:01

OP, you did the right thing for both you and your baby under the terrible circumstances. I know it must weigh so heavily on your heart, but there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You were a victim of an abusive man, and you saved your child from that. He would have used the child to cling onto you and use you both for his own twisted pleasure, hurting you both.
Please try to forgive yourself, and be kind to yourself too. You did your best under the circumstances, and that's all any of us can really do.

Original poster

Mitzicoco · 26/04/2019 23:07

Thank you LordNibbler :)

OP posts:

TerryWogansWilly · 26/04/2019 23:09

Raising a child with a monster who clearly has sexual perversions would have been far worse than an early abortion. It's entirely possible you may have miscarried from the abuse you were receiving.

Original poster

Mitzicoco · 26/04/2019 23:11

Yes. I hadn't thought of that actually. But that may well have been the case.

OP posts:

Giraffesarecool · 26/04/2019 23:41

I'm so sorry OP.

I had an abortion with my ex, at the same age as you. He was a pig, to out it politely. I wasn't fully sure I wanted to go through with it, but I did. And the guilt and the heartbreak ate me up. Then I met my current DP and we now have a beautiful 11mo DS asleep uostairs. I have a wonderful fiance, a wonderful little boy and a wonderful.life.

Everything happens for a reason and I look back now and know I made the right choice.

You did too. Your time will come. Focus on getting over the hill. Sending massive hugs!

user1471514421 · 26/04/2019 23:46

Hi Mitzicoco

So sorry you are feeling this way and have experienced this.

Your thread has thrown me back in time, to my own termination, I was 18, with my boyfriend, my now DH, with whom I have two beautiful children. Every so often, I have something that triggers thoughts of my baby, that I never got to meet. My dh was absolutely against having a baby, I probably would have went ahead if he was any way supportive, however made the decision at the time what we thought was best. Logically I know that it was the best decision at the time I had nothing to offer a child, I was 18, living at home, no money etc etc, however I often wonder was it a boy or a girl, what would he or she have looked like and I get a feeling that I want to vomit. When I look back it was horrendous, but feels a lifetime ago. Do these feelings ever ease??

NoHolidaysforyou · 27/04/2019 00:13

I know the standard spiel is to tell you that it was a ball of cells, but I'm going to try to tell you something different than the standard script which I'm sure you've heard many times by now.

I read your OP like this...

Your partner coerced you through manipulation and abuse to have an abortion. He's at fault, and he's the one responsible really. It would be like if he coerced you to do anything else, it would not be your fault. It's as if he threw you down a flight of stairs mentally. He forced the abortion and you were the victim of all of this.

I hope you can leave the blame with him. Don't look back at him. While you aren't looking back, just know that the worst karma will happen while you aren't allowed to see it. Life is just like that.

In my religion I also believe that God knows everything and He knows who the victims are. I hope that gives you some sense of peace

SandyY2K · 27/04/2019 00:25

I agree with your therapist.

PoppingGlitter · 27/04/2019 00:36

I had an abortion 15 years ago, I was 23 but only graduated uni (living in a bedsit, student loan, just in graduate job etc).

Never mind I had a useless boyfriend offered no support. Plus I only found out at 6 weeks, on epilepsy medication that could give my baby development delays and had never taken folic acid, would be a complicated pregnancy. TBH I may have gone through with the pregnancy if it wasn't for the medication.

I knew it was the best decision for me, and my baby but I still feel guilty and wonder the what 'ifs'.

On the bright side I now have a beautiful DD with my DP who is a fantastic dad.

PregnantSea · 27/04/2019 01:05

I know we'll never know the truth now, but I wonder if he tampered with your contraception somehow. I had an abusive partner many years ago and he was desperate to get pregnant because he wanted to trap me. I never told him but I had an implant in my arm so he never managed it, thank god.

I know it's easier said than done but please don't feel guilty about this, you've done nothing wrong. You were being horribly abused by a sick person. He is the one who should be feeling guilty about all of this, not you.

Lizzie48 · 27/04/2019 04:26

One thing abusers are good at doing is making their victims see themselves as being to blame. You’re not at all, for any of it. You’ve actually done so well to get away from this man; don’t let him destroy your future as well.

I get why your therapist has said what she did, it would have tied you for life to that abusive man if you’d had a baby. But there is a place for sadness and loss. It also wasn’t your decision, which is why it’s so hard for you to move on from this.

I think it might help if you separate your understandable feelings of loss of a baby with any sense of guilt, which has no place here at all. It was your abusive ex who was 100% to blame, and maybe allowing yourself to be angry would be of help here as well?

(I was a child when I suffered SA, so I know it’s hard to rid yourself of feelings of guilt that belongs entirely to someone else.)

BettyJune07 · 27/04/2019 11:34

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through OP xxx

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