Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's a reasonable thing to reply?

36 replies

ItsAllOkay · 26/04/2019 19:24

I'll try and keep this short.

After 4 years of trying to start a family, DH and I have been told we are infertile (literally couldn't be worse, issues are both of us) and there are zero options.

I'm coming to terms with this. It is what it is.

My AIBU - what is a reasonable thing to say when I get asked 'so when are you finally going to have kids?' by well-meaning family?

So far I've been batting the comments off with 'oh, one day!' but now I know it's not happening, I'm sensitive to it. Is that my problem and I should just suck it up?

What can I reply to questions like the above that won't evoke comments like 'have you tried X, Y or Z?' or 'sympathetic' head tilts?

OP posts:
DitheringBlidiot · 26/04/2019 19:26

If you feel up to telling them the truth, if you think it’s any of their business then that. Im sorry you are in such a difficult position Flowers

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 26/04/2019 19:27

Honesty is the best policy - "We cant have children, we've tried everything, we don't want to talk about it" you might want to chuck in a "the issue/problem is with both of us" because people are nosey and they want the nitty gritty details sad fuckers

Divgirl2 · 26/04/2019 19:28

I'm a fan of a simple "We can't, why", or if you're less polite than me "I don't think that's any of your business" will work well.

There's no easy answer I guess, but hopefully someone wittier than me will come along to help soon .

Singlebutmarried · 26/04/2019 19:28

Blimey that’s a hard one.

If it were me I’d be pretty honest (probably quite blunt).

Thanks for asking xxx but we’ve recently found out it’s not an option for us.

Then either go into detail, or not.

Hopefully your family/friends will be supportive and not resort to looking for weird ‘turns frog to your leg and dance naked in the rain’ type remedies.

mbosnz · 26/04/2019 19:29

I'd tell them bluntly that we're infertile, and we don't want to discuss it. Moving on please.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 26/04/2019 19:31

I would tell them but in a brief way that leaves no room for the conversation to be continued - eg “we would love to, we tried for a long time but we can’t and find the whole discussion sensitive so would rather not talk about it.”

OwlBeThere · 26/04/2019 19:31

I would probably go with ‘unfortunately that isn’t an option for us’. Most people would shut the fuck up at that point!

44PumpLane · 26/04/2019 19:32

"Unfortunately we can't have children and we aren't yet up to discussing it, so please don't make any suggestions"

Then without stopping move on to another subject, ask them a question "by the way how is so and so/ have you seen such a film/how was your recent holiday" etc

Original poster
ItsAllOkay · 26/04/2019 19:39

Hopefully your family/friends will be supportive and not resort to looking for weird ‘turns frog to your leg and dance naked in the rain’ type remedies.

That's what I'm most worried about I think! I might scream if anyone asks if I've tried using ovulation tests or eating pineapple.

Thanks for the replies, all, okay, honesty is the way forward then.

Urg. Saying it out loud makes it real.

OP posts:
Plentyapollo · 26/04/2019 20:03

Had same situation... life after diagnosis was incredibly difficult as ‘everyone’ got pregnant had babies seemingly immediately after. In laws were incredibly cruel comments along the lines of ‘oh well thank goodness we have X Y Z!!!.’.
Year later...husband at football match saw billboards advertising local authority... thinking about adoption signs...rang the number booked us on the course and 11 months to the day we brought home 5 month old son... he’s a teenager now and PERFECT!! Peoples questions haven’t stopped and I never stop being stunned by the absolute bluntness of people’s/family/SIL in particular thinking that they have a right to deeply personal info.... I ask them outright now about difficulties they have with money? ‘How much did you bother this year from MIL!! /Sons drug habit... he still taking crack?/ and the best one to date DH cousin when he asked my boy if he’s met his birth parents yet... you finished shagging that tramp from work yet??
Think I’m just trying to say regardless of infertility... give yourself time digesting the information and tell anyone that pushes you for answers that they can go hang... babies/children can still come.... bringing another round of nosey fuck questions...

Plentyapollo · 26/04/2019 20:04

Borrow not bother

MaderiaCycle · 26/04/2019 20:04

I would be brutally honest about why. My aunt gave my sister a fertility prayer.....

Plentyapollo · 26/04/2019 20:10

Should point out cousin was in our kitchen without his wife... but question was blunt enough for him to worry that this really could have been asked when his wife was there... & if he ever makes us uncomfortable again I will not hesitate... I’m not the awkward embarrassed infertile person I was... I’ll turn that spotlight back now without hesitation... it’s only taken me 14 years!
Sending you a hug op

Jasging · 26/04/2019 20:15

One of my best mates is going through similar and I feel so bad for her people are so rude and insensitive. I like the previous posters suggestion of being equally rude... how's your sex life and womb never mind mine?!

SandAndSea · 26/04/2019 20:19

Can you tell one or two close, compassionate people and ask them to tell others?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/04/2019 20:21

We thought we were in a similar position (fertility issues were just mine though) after we got engaged people ramped up the comments and questions, in the end I was quite blunt with a couple of gossipier people, 'actually I've got diagnosed fertility issues so it's very unlikely we will be able to have children and if we do it will be an uphill struggle' within a few weeks people stopped asking, DH actually said to MIL 'you know about our situation so I can't imagine why you'd continue to make comments about needing to be a grandma'. Others clearly talked about it but that was fine by me if it stopped people asking.

Original poster
ItsAllOkay · 26/04/2019 20:21

how's your sex life and womb never mind mine?!

That made me smile! That's it, it feels so invasive to answer the inevitable questions. I know some will want details, like I have to convince them we actually can't and not just that we're 'not trying hard enough'.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 26/04/2019 20:21

The shared stories on this blog about being childfree may help you

booandmaddie.com/category/on-being-childfree/

Sparkletastic · 26/04/2019 20:24

'We can't have children. We don't want to talk about it.'

Thanks
deadsexy · 26/04/2019 20:26

Honestly, if just say we can't.

That way the conversation ends, this whole one day things means you will get asked over and over again.

People will feel terrible for asking but I'd be honest

EL8888 · 26/04/2019 20:27

I would go with blunt and honest with this. If they start pushing for info and you don’t want to talk about it / it’s too upsetting then l would say you don’t want to talk about it. Plus will them not to talk about their friends aunties cousins experience, tell you to “relax”, offer a mindless platitude e.g. “these things happen” and / or ask you if you have thought about adoption 🤬 (all of these enrage me anyway!)

Original poster
ItsAllOkay · 26/04/2019 20:31

@NurseButtercup that link is amazing. Honestly. Thank you. Reading these are saving me a little bit.

OP posts:
MsLayla · 26/04/2019 20:42

Someone in my family has been TTC for almost 8 years, with very, very slim chances due to health reasons on her husbands side. And she has 1 overly so smaller chances anyway. The whole family knew the situation and it wasn't discussed as such but we tried to show how much we are there for them and love them. And don't make unnecessary baby comments. They are now beginning the adoption process, we are all so pleased for them to be taking those first steps but understand it's not our place to be too involved, just there for support if and when they might want it.
Truth is better, if at all possible. No one wants to offend or upset you I'm sure.

Dippypippy1980 · 26/04/2019 20:44

Miss manner always says to respond to inappropriate questions with either - a puzzled look and say ‘why to you ask’ or look taken aback and say ‘that’s quite a personal question’ then walk away.

Either works - I have used both when asked why I only have one child, or when am I having the next.

diddl · 26/04/2019 20:52

It's not a thing that they should be asking about or hinting at really, is it?

If they've any inkling at all that you might have been trying for 4yrs then I would hope that by now they no better than to say anything.

Swipe left for the next trending thread