To ask how long it took you to get over your abusive relationship

[CheeseIsEverything]

I was in an emotionally (and occasionally physical) abusive relationship for some years. I ended up fleeing with my suitcase whilst he was at work and have not looked back since.

Now, years later I am with a wonderful man, we're engaged and I'm the happiest I've ever been.

I feel like I'm doing okay and then I have these moments where I realise I'm still scarred from what happened to me.

For example, my friend has asked if I'll meet for a couple of drinks tomorrow and my first, immediate thought was to be absolutely terrified of asking DP if it was okay for me to go. Even though logically I know he won't bat an eyelid (and will say why am I asking his permission?!) I'm so nervous about telling him, as it's the kind of thing that got me into a lot of trouble before, that I'm thinking of saying I can't go.

I hate that my ex can still have this much control over my reactions and emotions.

If you were in an abusive relationship, how long did it take you to heal? I've never had counselling or anything like that as most of the time I feel like I'm doing fine.

11 years after leaving a emotionaliy abusive/ very occasionally physically abusive relationship, I still don't feel ready for another relationship or to even date.

I don't feel I can ever trust another man again, and I don't want to damage my kids further by making another mistake

About five years. I jumped straight in to another relationship and I ruined it with my behaviour as I was lashing out (verbally) at the wrong man. I spent two years on my own reading every relevant self help book and working in a job that gave me great self esteem. Then met Dh. And it was a fresh start for me.

You need to do so much work on yourself, it won’t just happen by its self. Your soul physically needs to heal

I have no timescale to give, but right now I could have almost written the OP.
I have found utter happiness with a new man, but I'm less than a year out of the abuse. I refuse to put my life on hold, so I'm working through the past, whilst planning a future. DP finds it hilarious/actually quite sad that I add "if that's okay?" onto the end of statements.
Maybe one day we'll be engaged I hope I can get past lots of the abuse without years going by, reading these, I'm not so sure.

Goodluck OP, happy you've found a good one, time will heal all. ❤

Slightly different circumstances for me, but I'd say PTSD type symptoms, therapy would help. It takes time to heal.

I’m 12 years on from my abusive (emotionally, financially and physically) relationship and I have been with my now husband for nearly 8 years and even I still have my moments.
There is no time scale and everyone is different. It helps that my husband is the most gentle, understanding person and like yours, will say why are you asking for permission? He’s truly restored my faith in people.

I'm 15 months out, and still don't feel ready to date. Don't think I ever will.

I left in Jan 2010. When I got together with my now husband in the July it was a bit easier as we'd known each other previously but even now I sometimes find myself panicking about "asking" to go out and things like needing more reassurance from him. At first I'd get very upset if we argued (rare) and he stepped towards me. Long term I'm now finally dealing with the anxiety issues that I was left with.

5 years of initial recovery. 12 years yo feel truly confident in him ( and not waiting for a darker side to emerge) still have odd feelings of anxiety now at nearly 30 years, I am not sure we totally recover, we learn to live with it, and attach less importance to it. 💐for you for being brave and strong. A survivor. X

I escaped 6 years ago and I’m now married to a lovely man (who was already my friend and therefore the trust was much easier to form) and I still have triggers. One example is that If DH and I argue neither of us ever stands in a doorway as I cannot cope with it.
I did a lot of reading around domestic abuse to be able to accept that it wasn’t my fault (his constant excuse) and I had counselling for anxiety which among other things was due to the domestic abuse. Both these things really helped and actually being physically in a different town has helped me feel safe. It will always stay with me but I hope to use it in a helpful way in the future

I'm three and a half years out of my abusive relationship and I'm not ready to date and don't know If I ever will be, I have PTSD and am undergoing counselling and due to start emdr therapy next week. I've done the freedom programme etc.

In my case my ex was abusive to me and my children also and i don't think i could ever trust another man again not to hurt us and could not put my kids in that situation again.

Maybe when they have flown the nest I might think about dating but tbh I'm happy being single and not having to worry about stuff that i did when i was married to my ex. Ie. Making sure the kids toys were all tidied away before he came home from work as he always moaned. Making sure the house was spotless, having to dress up in certain stuff. Etc.

After I left I didn't eat properly for months and even now I have major issues around food as there were certain things he wouldn't eat so I couldn't make them and I had to do alot of baking for him which he criticised if I did it and moaned if I didn't so much so that I have completely lost my love of cooking.

When I say five years, I couldn’t have any kind of relationship with a man in that time. It took seven years to do that. 12 years for some semblance of a normal relaxed, harmonious relationship.

I can still freak out at small things. Not feeling like I can get away, anger, shoring, aggression of any kind, violent films or dramas, dh standing in the doorway. Needing to know I can manage without him.
I can completely lose it if I feel hemmed in if this a disagreement.
A kind and loving man will accommodate all of this with understanding. The triggers lessen in time. I regularly feel months and months of peace and contentment. But I know the cruelty at the heart of some men, and I am cautious. I can spot an abuser immediately.

Shoring - shouting

I'm 10 years down the line. In the main part I'm over it. But on a subconscious level, it's a running joke at work that i jump a mile if anyone moves suddenly or appears next to me and I've not heard them coming

We had kids together so its never-ending. 11 years later & he still is an unwelcome part of my life!

Thanks all

Seems like it isn't just me then.

I just wish I could have conviction in my choices. I question myself regularly over what is right and wrong because I'm not confident in my decisions. I know it's because of him, because he'd question everything I did.

Oh gosh years! I was in one abusive relationship for 4.5 years. A couple of years after leaving him I fell into another abusive relationship. We were together on and off for a few years. It's not almost 5 years on from leaving the second one and I'd say I'm mostly over it. I'm now finally in a happy healthy relationship with somebody and we're currently planning our wedding.

I still have moments though where I'm taken back. I have triggers which shouldn't cause such a strong reaction. I feel criticised easily as that's what exes did and I have to try really hard to focus on the here and now and the evidence in front of me. It's hard going and I've had years of counselling and various different courses on mindfulness, anger management, relationships etc.

Things will get easier it just takes an awful lot of time and work

11 years ago I broke up with an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive man (I was 19 and he was 21, so more of a boy really). I've been with my husband since I was 22, and I still wonder if he's going to switch like my ex did. If I'm in a situation where I'm with another man alone (travelling with work, for example) my mind wonders to how I wouldn't have been allowed to be in this situation if I were still with my ex.

Early into our relationship, I bumped into a male friend in Tesco and spent about 40 minutes in the middle of the aisle catching up. My husband asked what had taken so long and I snapped because it felt like he was checking up on me, but he was genuinely just curious. It took a long time to trust that he wasn't going to flip on me for talking to another man.

My husband will never raise his voice to me, and he'd definitely never make me feel "trapped" as this can bring back memories.

What haunts me the most though, is how long I stayed. When I read posts on here of women in a similar situation it breaks my heart that I can't help them. I've been there. I know it's scary. But I know it gets better, you just need the courage to make those first steps.

It's nearly seven years since I was allowed to split with him. Since I had his blessing, because he had someone new to play with. And it's been five (?) years since he was stopped from seeing my youngest.

I have PTSD. I'm not nor have ever been offered any treatment for it either. This is despite me asking. The self help books haven't helped me.

I still have nightmares and have panic attacks that he will find us.

I'm very lucky to be with a guy now, who whilst he has many irritating traits, couldn't hurt me if he tried. And he's put up with a lot because I'm so messed up. But not every day is a bad day. There's triggers. And my OH has given me many positive triggers which make me smile instead.

It would be grand if I had been able to stay on my own but I'm one of those hopeless romantic types, which is part of the reason I ended up with the sickness in the first place.

Dickhead not sickness

I'm over 20 years out and in a relationship with a decent man. I still have moments and I lie habitually about things I don't need to lie about. I am just so warped from being unable to speak for years with my ex. I don't think I'll ever get over the years of rape, beatings and emotional abuse.

18 years out of the first and 9 years out of the second and now happily married to a wonderful man, it still affects me in ways such as you describe, so you're not alone. It's hard OP

I'm out 2 years, after 2 years. He continued to cause me problems for 6 months after we split so it's 18 months since I actually last saw him and had to have interaction.
A year ago I started seeing someone else, I then cut him out without a look back because I thought I saw a red flag. A year on I don't know if it was a red flag or not tbh, I think I blew everything out of proportion and was ready to see the worst.
But I clearly wasn't ready, I regret how I handled it.
I still have fearful moments, the other day I was in a place he used to live and where some of his family still do, I was terrified all of a sudden, literally shaking, in case I bumped into him. I suppose it was progress that I went in the first place and fear of bumping into him wasn't my first reaction.
I think some things will always last if I'm honest, things that triggered him off will always have an instant and fleeting fear moment for me, but talking to other survivors has helped a lot.
The thing that still bugs me more than anything is why me? Why did he pick me? I don't even suppose he knows really.
I think you just need to take each day as it comes and be kind and forgiving towards yourself.
to you all ladies.

I'm two years out. Still finding it hard. He used to set me up, yes you can go out, and then scream/shout/ignore on some sort of internal rota system. Or he liked the colour of something I was thinking about buying (clothes/curtains/sofas) and I'd buy it and then not be able to use because the colour wasn't right/hurt his eyes, blah blah. I could go on forever. Having said that, the bad days are fewer and further apart, had a lovely day today with dd.
Hope you feel better more often, soon.

36 years later it still affects me. It never entirely goes away. I'm just learning to live with it and try not to let it control or affect me. In some way our past, whatever it is, tends to shape our future.