To ask how long it took you to get over your abusive relationship

[CheeseIsEverything]

I was in an emotionally (and occasionally physical) abusive relationship for some years. I ended up fleeing with my suitcase whilst he was at work and have not looked back since.

Now, years later I am with a wonderful man, we're engaged and I'm the happiest I've ever been.

I feel like I'm doing okay and then I have these moments where I realise I'm still scarred from what happened to me.

For example, my friend has asked if I'll meet for a couple of drinks tomorrow and my first, immediate thought was to be absolutely terrified of asking DP if it was okay for me to go. Even though logically I know he won't bat an eyelid (and will say why am I asking his permission?!) I'm so nervous about telling him, as it's the kind of thing that got me into a lot of trouble before, that I'm thinking of saying I can't go.

I hate that my ex can still have this much control over my reactions and emotions.

If you were in an abusive relationship, how long did it take you to heal? I've never had counselling or anything like that as most of the time I feel like I'm doing fine.

11 years for me and now nearly 50 I don't think I'll ever have another serious relationship. I've had a few dalliances since but the damage is done.

I have been out of my abusive relationship for 2 years now but as my abusive ex partner keeps taking me to court to try to get access to MY child (and she is MY child, he just donated his sperm so I could have her) despite being denied every time with a list of risk factors as long as my arm and he has done absolutely nothing for her financially, physically or emotionally, I am finding it very difficult to get over everything I have been through as I have to see him in court and relive all of the terrible things I have been through on a regular basis..

There is no justice in the courts they need to do more to protect victims of domestic abuse

Sorry for the rant

Interesting question. Depends what you mean by 'over' i suppose. I am making different choices now, they feel like the right ones but only time will tell if they're a temporary reaction to the abusive ex. Its definitely true to say I felt much better instantly he left, and I continue to grow stronger week by week. I hope all the posters on here do too x

About 6yrs but it helps to be honest about what you've experienced and your trigger points. I couldn't stand being stood over and pointed at.

Counselling does help with your own rights and asserting your independence

It was a 9 months thing of extreme highs and lows.

Took me double that, he was nasty but I was so in love to let it go.

In all honesty I'm not sure you ever get over it completely-I'm 8 1/2 years out and I still sometimes react to my DP in a way that doesn't reflect how he behaves-it's not fair and I can usually control it but sometimes I click back into "married mode" for a little while!

Thank you all for taking the time to share with me.

Passtherioja, you mentioned being unfair on your current partner. I feel like that too sometimes. He's nothing like my ex and yet I still can't help myself worrying that he'll react to things the way my ex did. Despite never giving me reason to think so.

Im 6 month out. After a 13 year relationship & marriage.
Police removed him. Most of the physical scars are healed. The mind games and lies have taken their toll. Still think about taking him back periodically, which annoys me.
Reading this helped me to see it will take much much longer.

My hearts with all of you, I know how courageous you all are

Been apart from my ex husband for 3 years. Dont think I will ever be able to trust another man. I have lost the ability to have a conversation with a man. Constantly read to much into their words.
My kids are still scarred and I could not bring a new someone into their lives.

to those of you who are struggling with the aftermath.
and happy for those of you in lovely, happy new relationships.

I feel like it's going to be never

I still say sorry constantly because of the atmosphere I grew up in and have chosen (not knowingly) at least mildly abusive men because I think it's been my safe space - one I understand.

Trying to get the courage of my convictions back with counselling and good choices now but don't worry, you aren't alone.

These things can take years or a lifetime - I know I'll always need to be with an understanding partner from now on because each relationship has damaged me a little bit more.

BUT I am determined to be happy so starting to be proactive in changing my mindset, no more accepting things I'm not comfortable with!

Sorry you went through a bad relationship too :(