Should I feel guilty

[pinksplutterweasel]

So....I don't really know how to start this one - it's really tricky. I grew up in a working class family in Wales. We had our own lovely house, money for everything we needed, foreign holidays, a couple of UK breaks every year. Basically wanted for nothing. I went to uni, moved to London at 23 and have been here every since. My husband and I do well for ourselves - not rolling in it like some of our friends with their massive detached houses - but we own our own 3 bed home in a great area in the suburbs, have two kids who, like me as a child, also want for nothing. I think every parent's wish is that their kids grow up and do well for themselves (and perhaps do a little bit better than they did). But I can't help but feel like my mum especially thinks that we're a bit too high and mighty. The reason for this? We have a cleaner, I ship out my ironing, my son plays tennis, I sometimes buy myself clothes in higher end high street shops (but not exclusively - I'm happy to pick up some bits in Sainsbury's and George at Asda too). We have bought nice furniture in some independent shops, we shop at Waitrose (but also Lidl and Tesco) and my friends are lawyers, doctors, accountants, teachers and architects (ie they're the typical parent at the kids local primary school - they're not privately educated). I think buying a fresh turkey at Christmas was probably the final straw. I really hate the idea that they think I'm the snob who doesn't think their ways are good enough for me. That's absolutely not the case. But our lives are very different - I buy help in cleaners and ironing ladies because we are so busy and with no family around to help us, I want to make sure that the free time I have is spent with the kids. We have a holiday booked in Cyprus this year - first time ever we have booked a 5 star B & B - and my mum's first thing to say was - "what's wrong with a TUI all inclusive?" And the answer is..."nothing" of course if you're happy to spend two weeks lying around a pool drinking crap slushy cocktails and eating a buffet that's been mauled by a million people. Not saying we wouldn't do that sort of holiday again but we like the freedom to eat out etc. I feel really guilty that I might be making them feel as though everything they did for me, and my fantastic childhood isn't good enough for my own kids. And the truth is - it absolutely is. My way is different but not better - and I don't know how to make that clear to her. Of course you may all agree with her in which case I'll prepare myself for the comments to come :-)

Your grandmother probably said something similar to your mum. I'd just ignore it.

Sorry, you kind of lost me at growing up working class but your parents owned their home and had money? Do you know what the actual definition of ‘working class’ is, or do you just think it’s having package holidays and buying your leggings from the supermarket?

Yeah you lost me at working class too.

Anyone else thinking - 'I don't think that word means what you think it means' about op's use of working class?!

You didn’t grow up in a working class house if you had numerous holidays inc abroad and money for everything you needed 😂

@DoneLikeAKipper I understand your point and almost agree with it, but I definitely grew up working class, my parents owned a house , but it was bought very cheaply in not the best area, they both left school at 14 with no qualifications and just worked ridiculous hours, my dad worked 6-6 Mon-fri and 6-12 every Saturday for the tile of my childhood and my mum often had three jobs, cleaning etc until she got a job in a nursery did fine qualifications and realised she was good at studying, by the time I went to uni she was managing the nursery and on a better (although not huge) income. They were frugal, cars were old bangers , but we did go on a few foreign holidays started when DF went to booka fortnight in Blackpool and was told by the travel agent we could go to Spain for less. My grandfather was a lorry driver, my uncle a tyre fitter, we were definitely working class.

Oh and the above all took place in the East end before it was gentrified!

We had a mortgage growing up (got house repossessed when I was 18). Definitely working class.

I always thought WC was defined as NEEDING to work. As in, if you were told you were being made redundant and had no other means of supporting yourself, you were screwed. Middle class likely to have savings/investments/overpaid on their mortgage.

Your class definitions seem a little muddled. Also... Your description of the TUI holiday... Maybe your mum can sense your intense and obvious disdain for things that she likes such as package holidays and is therefore a bit prickly about your wonderful new artisanal side table or whatever.

@ZippyBungleandGeorge, see I grew up ‘generally working class’ that eventually graduated into ‘lower middle class’ (there’s whole new terms these days from googling) and I’m not suggesting a working class person can’t own their own home. It’s more the OP’s description that suggests she’s a ‘working class done good’ type person, when in fact it just reads like she had a comfortable lifestyle growing up and her children are getting much of the same. Not quite seeing what anyone’s issue is here.

Different folks and different strokes. It’s your life and you should live it how you want to. Having a cleaner does seem to be divisive, l know it’s something my mum and best friend are funny about me doing. I think both were jealous when l get one but not sure why as they could both afford it. But at the end of the day we work a lot (lots of early starts and late finishes), hate doing it ourselves and want a clean house

I was curious so looked up 'working class' and it says

working class
noun
1. the social group consisting of people who are employed for wages, especially in manual or industrial work.

Which would infer lower income I guess, certainly not having money for everything you need & foreign holidays...

I’m assuming your dad was a successful tradesman (or similar) and your mum worked part time at something menial, or didn't work at all. If this is the case, I can see why you’d call your family w/c even though they had disposable income. You do seem a bit obsessed over it all though!

@DoneLikeAKipper I agree, if money was never an issue and they never wanted for anything it is not what I would call working class. I remember the slight panic if something went wrong (boiler, car etc) because there wasn't much left after the basics, it was a huge deal for my parents that we could go abroad every few years, we more often went away with grandparents in their caravan. The OP feels a bit like a stealth boast

working class 1. the social group consisting of people who are employed for wages, especially in manual or industrial work

I am never sure what jobs would be included in this? Working off-shore? If so, they won't be short of money.

I sort of get where you are coming from although my "working class" upbringing mainly consisted of moonlight flits and grotty council houses in the grottiest parts of town.

I have 5 siblings. They all live in the north, have jobs rather than careers, all own their own homes, cars, go on holidays, have lovely families and are educated to Secondary School level. I too own my home, car, have a lovely family. Finances haven't allowed for a holiday for quite a while though. But because I live in the south, went on to higher education and my teenagers are at uni, they think I'm a snob.

It's bizarre but really only a reflection of their own insecurities rather than anything I've done particularly.

I consider myself to have been brought up working class. I'm the oldest of 7. Dad worked down the pit and Mum worked part time in the pit canteen.
They owned their own home and we had holidays every year. 1 being abroad, with key camp.
The reason we had those things is because my dad worked his arse off.

Going back to your question 'should I feel guilty?' Surely it is up to you how you manage your emotions.
Theres no wrong doing, no crime, nothing morally bad so no remorse needed.
Why would you feel guilty?
I don't get it.

To those saying we weren't working class...both my parents left school at 16. My dad worked at the steel works from the day he left school to the day he died. My mum worked the early years of my childhood in a condom factory. We lived in a 3 bed terrace house. They worked hard and saved hard. Nothing came easy. There's a difference between being working class and underclass. To me working class doesn't mean relying on state benefits, going without, being utter chavs. It means having a strong work ethic, doing relatively unskilled jobs, not earning big salaries. It isn't about going without - just about making every penny count. My parents have been amazing - they always managed to live off my dad's pay while my mum saved hers. I guess we lived fairly simply - mum always cooked from scratch, we didn' t do after school activities because we played outside. I actually find other people's views of working class quite offensive.

‘Underclass’ ‘chavs’? I would guess if this is how you speak to your mum about things/other people this may be why she thinks you’re a complete snob.

Your DM is right, your OP sounds like your boasting.

Didiusfalco - Jeez - talk about putting words into someone's mouth. I am saying that working class doesn't mean poverty - I believe Underclass is a valid term "the lowest social stratum in a country or community, consisting of the poor and unemployed.
"they are an underclass who lack any stake in popular capitalism and who are caught in the dependency culture".
Growing up working class doesn't mean growing up in poverty, needing enough money for the gas meter, and sharing a satsuma on Christmas day. It's about values. All my friends growing up were working class -we're from a steel town in Wales - most friends' dads worked there - most parents worked in shops and factories - none were professionals or went to work in a shirt and tie. My dad would leave the house at 5.30, get in at 3.30. My mum would then gobble her tea and leave at 4.30 for a 5 hour stint in the factory. She'd do overtime when she could (which with a bit of saving paid for our week in the sun). Our breaks in this country were in B and Bs with shared bathroom facilities. We weren't living it up at Center Parcs but we were together as a family and had our own fun. I think I was very lucky.

The MN humble brag of the day goes to the OP

Well...if you make comments to her about chavs and Tui holidays then maybe she has a point.

You’re not wrong to like different things and have a different lifestyle to your mum. You are mean if you style it out like “I don’t like shitty all inclusives” especially if this was the type of holiday your mum scrimped to pay for during your own childhood.

Incidentally, it’s called ‘conversation’ when you say you’ve booked X holiday and then someone else say they like Y type of holiday. It’s not always a dig.

Llanelli op? Condom factory and steel works