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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

You shouldn't raise your hands to adult daughter?

72 replies

sarahsuncl · 26/04/2019 10:15

This morning I was pretty flustered and went to my dads to see him.
I'm 34.
Anyway checked my bag and couldn't find my purse.
Started to panic and was getting stressed.
We both leave to pop to mine to see if it's there and he starts with his usual name calling.
"You've never grown up,don't know what your doing,sort your life out"
I was stressed so snapped back "mind your business"
He was carrying his newspaper and went to hit me on the face with it.
This was in the street.
I'm a grown woman.
Pissed off tbh
Found my purse

OP posts:
Nettleskeins · 26/04/2019 12:08

The thing is, if your Dad is treating you like this and you still feel strongly enough that you don't want to go NC with him, maybe you should investigate why he is reacting to you like this. Is he jealous, is he angry, is he lonely, is he disappointed? Does he feel responsible for you still and is frightened that you will be a proof of his "poor parenting" (ie not having made you a sensible organised person). Does he think that telling you off gets results? Does it make him feel justified about something? Releases anger which is about something else entirely..illness, pain, financial worry...?

You need to challenge him on all these fronts and then refuse to engage further until he comes up with some acceptance of his "issues" or fears, whatever they may be. Putting up with it will kill you inside.

corythatwas · 26/04/2019 12:09

I can't BELIEVE the number of posters piling on to explain to the OP why it's her fault that her father is (at the very least) threatening to hit her.

No, it is not normal.

No, it is not acceptable.

No, it is not the OPs responsibility not to "trigger" her father.

Tinkobell · 26/04/2019 12:10

Meh. He's a grumpy aud git. You both got into a tizzy and he lost it and raised his paper at you. It's not great OP and I'd be pissed off. But honestly I don't think it's quite the same as a purposeful strike with the hand over your face. It sounds like a storm in a tea cup. He owes you an apology though that's for sure.

Inliverpool1 · 26/04/2019 12:12

My dad got an assault charge after hitting his step daughter, literally the only thing that stopped him. He’d been quite free with his hands up to that point, maybe it’s time to draw a line and make a point

MitziK · 26/04/2019 12:12

Who are you trying to protect in staying in communication with him?

Because there are ways to do it without putting yourself at risk.

When I read of people who hit their parents back, part of me wishes I'd done that - but another part of me thinks that at least I had control not to when she was deliberately stamping on my bare feet whilst wearing heavy shoes, informing me she was going to break my feet (her exact words) and other such events - reasoning at the time that if I lifted a hand, I would undoubtedly flatten her and quite possibly do serious damage due to her physical disabilities. I reasoned that the odds were her physical condition meant she'd be in more pain from hitting me than I would be from the punch or slap itself.

Trouble is that meant when I did finally go NC after a particularly dangerous attack - a centimetre higher and I could have lost my eye, thanks to the item she used as a weapon - other relations refused to believe it. And it was only after that I found out that her attentions had turned to one of my children several years previously - they hadn't told me because they thought 'you'd have killed her, Mum' - and she had done similar stuff to others.

So she got away with it. And is now a treasured, saintly, little old lady, apparently. Nah. She's the same underneath.

For those posters saying this is a fuss about nothing, all I can say is that even just the look in my mother's eyes when she was mid-being the 'lovely little old lady' when her eyes fell on me gave me the exact same sinking fear at 37 as it did at 8 and a half. She was going to make me pay for something once there weren't any witnesses around.

And would we really be saying to a woman 'get over yourself/you're such a Drama Llama' if her husband threatened to give her a swift backhander in the street?

Tinkobell · 26/04/2019 12:14

You need to challenge him on all these fronts and then refuse to engage further until he comes up with some acceptance of his "issues" or fears, whatever they may be
By all means try this....but I honestly can't imagine your Dad engaging in this kind of therapy type chat.

Nettleskeins · 26/04/2019 12:14

I wasn't saying it is her responsibility, but that it is her responsiblity to make it stop by refusing to put herself in this situation. When she has said she won't go NC, she has to think about what she does next, instead of NC. Or go NC.

Tinkobell · 26/04/2019 12:15

Tell him if he doesn't that again, you'll call the police. That would be more effective.

corythatwas · 26/04/2019 12:17

Nettleskeins Fri 26-Apr-19 12:14:18

I wasn't saying it is her responsibility

Not you, Nettleskeins, but pp.

Nettleskeins · 26/04/2019 12:28

even if he didn't even do the newspaper mime, it would still be abusive behaviour, to tell your daughter that she needs to grow up age 34, and that she is pathetic. It is not how you treat people, whether they are 4 or 84, and every time he calls you names you should be thinking that THAT is unacceptable not just the mimed whack. Why would you do that to someone if you cared about them? Why would you want them to feel pathetic and ashamed? What possible good does it do, ever?

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 26/04/2019 12:32

My dad hit me round the head when I was about 24, he burst my ear drum when he did it. We used to get smacked a lot as kids but never as adults but we were having a row and he lost his temper. I was absolutely raging and was going to call the police and only didn't because my mum begged me not too. It took a long time before I could speak to him again.

Langrish · 26/04/2019 12:33

Ideally, you shouldn’t raise your hands to anyone.

Fluggers

Yes, it is absolutely always an option. He should not be hitting you, full stop. Doesn’t matter what the “reason” is. The result is the same.
Haven’t seen my biological father for 45 years because he abused the whole family. Haven’t missed him for a moment. would do the same with anyone who hit me, whoever they were.

AssangesCat · 26/04/2019 12:48

@CustardySergeant

Purplecatshopaholic "Jeezo, thats assault"

No it isn't. He would have had to actually hit her for it to have been assault. He 'mimed' doing so with his newspaper when the OP said "Mind your business".

I sincerely hope you're not actually a custody sergeant as you should know the correct definition of assault:

An assault is committed when a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to apprehend the immediate infliction of unlawful force. A battery is committed when a person intentionally or recklessly applies unlawful force to another. Where there is a battery, the defendant should be charged with ‘assault by beating’. (DPP v Little (1992) 1 All ER 299).

Making her think he's going to strike her is assault, striking her is battery.

CustardySergeant · 26/04/2019 13:00

Oh well, in that case, AssangesCat the OP clearly needs to call the police and say she wants her father charged with assault. I'd be interested to see how the police treat her complaint given what you have said. Thank you for educating me.
No I'm not actually a custody sergeant, as you guessed. I'm just an ignoramus with a silly name on Mumsnet.

I wonder whether the OP will call the police or just go NC with her father since he has apparently assaulted her according to the post by AssangesCat

Schuyler · 26/04/2019 13:09

This thread makes for very uncomfortable reading. No adult should threaten to hit another adult especially not in this circumstance. It’s not a “drama”, emotional abuse and threats are as harmful as physical abuse in many cases.

OP, hope you are ok and know you don’t have to put up with this sort of treatment. Flowers

Macandcheese05 · 26/04/2019 13:16

@JustHereWithMyPopcorn did he apologize? what happened afterwards and has he done it since?

i may be naive but this thread has opened my eyes. i genuinely didn't realize this went on.

ChoudeBruxelles · 26/04/2019 13:18

I think i would have threatened to hit my dad back if he did that. But he woudln't have said those things to me, and never once smacked me so I clearly had a very different relationship to yours.

It's completely unacceptable and actually assault.

ChoudeBruxelles · 26/04/2019 13:19

I mean to hit someone is assault

64sNewName · 26/04/2019 13:32

Lot of minimising going on here

LagunaBubbles · 26/04/2019 13:36

He didn’t actually hit the OP, he mimed hitting her

I don't read it as "miming" an action at all, I read it as he actually went to hit her but something stopped him in his head. 2 different actions. Using a word like miming minimises his actions.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 29/04/2019 12:36

@Macandcheese05 no I don't think he did actually. He never did it again, I moved out but we eventually got back on a 'normal' footing. I never really forgave him though.

OwlBeThere · 29/04/2019 12:52

@custardysargeant....I would hope the police would do their job, as he totally DID assault her and it’s not the police’s job to do decide if a case should be prosecuted but the CPS’s...Hmm

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