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AIBU?

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Original poster

You shouldn't raise your hands to adult daughter?

72 replies

sarahsuncl · 26/04/2019 10:15

This morning I was pretty flustered and went to my dads to see him.
I'm 34.
Anyway checked my bag and couldn't find my purse.
Started to panic and was getting stressed.
We both leave to pop to mine to see if it's there and he starts with his usual name calling.
"You've never grown up,don't know what your doing,sort your life out"
I was stressed so snapped back "mind your business"
He was carrying his newspaper and went to hit me on the face with it.
This was in the street.
I'm a grown woman.
Pissed off tbh
Found my purse

OP posts:
DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 26/04/2019 11:02

I would've hit him back Blush, although I don't recommend it. It worked for me though; my mother last slapped me across the face when I was 15. I slapped her back across the face, much harder and said "you don't get to do that anymore". She hasn't dared since.

It's not as easy as just cutting off contact sometimes, although I think you should go LC with a view to going NC with this man. He sounds like he is damaging you tremendously.

Carnivorenomore · 26/04/2019 11:02

Fuck that! My mother hit me a few times in my 20s and early 30s, I was so conditioned to believe I was always at fault. The last time she did it I told her I would put her on her fucking arse if she tried it again. She didn't try it again. I was called a bully by her for standing up for myself Grin Twats. I don't see them now, it's great.

Anyway why should you take shit like that?

Villanellesproudmum · 26/04/2019 11:05

I think the words he said are just if not worse! Does he always talk like that to you? Neither is acceptable.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/04/2019 11:15

Jeezo, thats assault. No way would I put up with that.

HoraceCope · 26/04/2019 11:20

He is horrible op, by your description.
is he always bad tempered and aggressive?

Damntheman · 26/04/2019 11:22

No you should NEVER hit your child, adult or not! This is unacceptable behaviour, who the hell does he think he is? I'm glad you're okay OP.

Fluggers · 26/04/2019 11:24

I don't live at home, bought my own house at a ridiculously young age (I wonder why..)

I am a full time working, mother of one with a DP

I don't want to get into it here - I'm pleased that people can go NC, but it isn't an option for me. I would love to. I think NC is said a lot here, in reality I don't think I know anyone who is actually NC with their parents

Best of luck to everyone though

Someday I'll be able to distance myself

Piffle11 · 26/04/2019 11:25

His words, his actions … he sounds horrible. My DF used to hit me as a kid - encouraged by my DM when I had been 'naughty' … I don't recall when it stopped, around 13/14 I think. He used to really hurt me. A previous boyfriend would throw things at me - daft stuff like towels, magazines, pillows - and then graduated to pushing me around. I don't think any act like this - mimicked or actual - should be ignored. MIL's DH (not my FIL) mimicked hitting me around the face once: I was furious. 'Get over yourself, it's a joke, I didn't touch you' … not the point though, is it?

CloserIAm2Fine · 26/04/2019 11:28

It’s all about context. But if this was a playful fake swipe in a loving relationship, OP wouldn’t be posting about it, she wouldn’t even be thinking about it. But she’s also referring to him belittling her and that this is a pattern of behaviour. Of course it’s not ok

Macandcheese05 · 26/04/2019 11:33

@Fluggers I'm 29 and my dad still hits me

sorry to go off topic OP but Fluggers, what kind of hitting do you mean? Like what could you do at 29 to make him hit you? and is it a slap across the face or a smacked bottom or slap to the legs? And does he tell you hes going to do it or just randomly do it? I find this so crazy. I cant imagine someone hitting me. Especially a parent. I dont really even do anything to be "reprimanded" or told off. I cant remember the last time anyone did.

Popcorntwice · 26/04/2019 11:35

I am non contact with my parents as my dad always hit me and just never stopped when I was an adult.

Snog · 26/04/2019 11:36

Nobody should raise their hand to another person regardless of age

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 26/04/2019 11:38

From the OP ; He was carrying his newspaper and went to hit me on the face with it.

The OP subsequently said He went to do it but didn't actually do it.

So he didnt hit you at all ? What a drama of a thread.

LagunaBubbles · 26/04/2019 11:49

don't want to get into it here - I'm pleased that people can go NC, but it isn't an option for me. I would love to. I think NC is said a lot here, in reality I don't think I know anyone who is actually NC with their parents

You don't need to go into details but cutting off contact is always an option, even though you may feel its not. You don't owe soneone a relationship just because they are your parent. My DH isn't in contact with his Mum, it was emotional abuse not physical and of course it wasn't easy and he still loves her but his own mental health has been so much better since we don't see her.

Jaxhog · 26/04/2019 11:54

Doesn't matter if you're his DD. You don't raise a hand to anyone. Ever.

KaterinaPetrova · 26/04/2019 11:54

My dad was always a slacker and I'm okay with that. However now I'm in my 30's if he ever raised a hand to me I'd probably deck him on reflex!

DistanceCall · 26/04/2019 11:56

I don't want to get into it here - I'm pleased that people can go NC, but it isn't an option for me. I would love to.

It IS an option. You will probably have to sacrifice something (money, contact with other relatives), but it is.

mbosnz · 26/04/2019 11:57

Is there any kind of 'violence is NEVER okay' push over here? Because it seems like some people have an attitude of 'well, a little bit of violence, be it verbal abuse, emotional abuse or physical abuse that doesn't put someone in hospital or dead is actually okay, you need to have a sense of perspective about it'.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/04/2019 11:57

Did he stop himself from hitting you, or did you move out of his way?
Either way he sounds awful and very like my father. He has been nasty to (and avoids contact with) my sister since he told her (at 25!) that she wasn't too old for him to smack her and she told him that if he laid a finger on her she would call the police.
My father hasn't hit me since I was about 17 but I absolutely believe that he would and for this reason he is never left alone with my children. He has threatened to hit them and that is enough for me to have no problem keeping them apart.

BejamNostalgia · 26/04/2019 11:58

He didn’t actually hit the OP, he mimed hitting her.

CustardySergeant · 26/04/2019 11:59

Purplecatshopaholic "Jeezo, thats assault"

No it isn't. He would have had to actually hit her for it to have been assault. He 'mimed' doing so with his newspaper when the OP said "Mind your business".

Nettleskeins · 26/04/2019 12:00

what sticks out to me is the preceding events. You are showing too much emotion in front of your father...yes with normal caring people that would be fine...but he seems to be triggered by it. There is something co-dependent about the whole scene. You wind him up he hits you. And it sounds like he is used to relating to you in this way, - when you are with him you are anxious and stressed, and he then treats you badly, tells you off.

You need to look at the whole way these meetings are panning out, either only meet him in really neutral professional places where he cannot have any hold over you and boss you around, maybe your own home for example with your partner present.

People set up a sort of dance which they do every time they are with certain people, it becomes almost an inevitable series of stages leading to some sort of emotional crisis/outburst.

My parents have never ever hit me, but my mum will sometimes get into fights with me, and I see that sometimes my own behaviour sort of sets it off, we have a pattern of relating that we stick to like a script. She complains, and cries, I challenge her, then she screams at me, then we both say sorry. I think it is very easy with your parents to fall into these instinctive and frankly unpleasant rhythms.

ethelfleda · 26/04/2019 12:00

That’s terrible OP. It wouldn’t have mattered if it hurt or not, it’s humiliating and degrading to be treated that way.
And I don’t think people should do that to children either. Your Dad was being totall unreasonable! So what if you’d lost your purse?? Happens to the best of us!

TheTrollFairy · 26/04/2019 12:04

Fluggers I am absolutely NC with my dad. He is an abusive arse. The BEST thing he did for me was kick me out when I was a teenager.
He beat me up because of a false allegation was made about me (ish). He literally had me on the floor and was hitting and punching me. I grew up thinking it was normal and I gave him chance after chance to change (stupidly). The final nail came when he couldn’t be arsed to call me when he said he would. I was in my 20s. I’m not saying it’s easy, it really isn’t. I still worry that he’s going to stop me in the street and try and talk to me but I have to remember that I’m not a child anymore and I do get a say with what I do with my life. He has never met his grandchild (but has seen her with me in town)
My life 95% of the time is great because he’s not in it. The other 5% of the time is when he’s causing drama trying to get in contact again.

I understand that it’s not always easy to go NC but it can be the best thing for you and your family to do.
Does your child see him hit you? If so I guess it’s pretty awful for them (I’m not saying it’s your fault if they have it’s absolutely your dad’s fault).

I hope things change for you!

JoMos · 26/04/2019 12:04

Of course you are not being unreasonable. It's unacceptable for anyone to raise their hand to anyone else (save for in genuine self defense).

For a father to do this to his adult daughter is very strange. Totally unacceptable to do it to non adult children too but some people unfortunately have the mindset that it's not - however an adult daughter, yes very very strange.

It sounds like he has some serious anger issues to be honest

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