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AIBU?

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Original poster

Father of my children does not want to marry me!

650 replies

Jessil91 · 26/04/2019 00:55

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 26/04/2019 10:23

I would never get married again. I need to protect my assets. Nobody would persuade me to even think about it. Does he really not believe in it or is there another reason. Is the house in joint names etc.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 10:23

@deputy - if no children, spouse or will it would go to parents and siblings in Scotland. It’s pretty simple to make a will though.

One issue if you leave it to spouse or otherwise they get it on intestacy and they remarry it then goes to the new spouse. I wouldn’t want that for my assets- I want them to go to my dcs.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 10:25

@dawg - I do have dcs. If I wanted my dp to have my assets when I die I would have left them in my will. I don’t. I want them to go to my dcs so I have left them to them in my will.

Treesthemovie · 26/04/2019 10:26

There are some people on here that are really obsessed with marriage and would have everyone married off if it was up to them. Not every woman wants to get married for various reasons and it doesn't make her "stupid" or naive like some here have suggested.
I could just as easily suggest it is stupid to legally bind yourself to a man who could later turn out to be a liability or abusive, but I won't.
Also, the same people who jump to assume others are stupid for not marrying, are often judgemental towards the couples who are choosing a civil partnership. If it is all able the legal rights like you say, why do you care if it is a marriage or a civil partnership?

Dorklingtons · 26/04/2019 10:27

Zsazsajuju - I'm not sure that is not 100 pc accurate. If intestacy I had heard that it roughly goes 50pc to spouse for life and 50pc to kids. The 50 pc to spouse on life then goes to kids when spouse dies. If by will, you can stipulate those terms anyway.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/04/2019 10:27

Some of us have surnames that sound awful double barreled to be fair

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 10:28

Also there would be no difficulty in taking care of my dcs financially as they would both be very wealthy if I died before they are 18 as I have insurance in addition to my assets. So don’t tell them in case they bump me off.....

TheGoogleMum · 26/04/2019 10:29

My partner was fairly anti marriage when we first got together (in his defence he was only 19). His parents are divorced so I think he just wasn't convinced it worked. I made it clear that if we were to be together long term I would eventually want to get married, and it did take a few years but we are now 30 and married with a baby (married over a year before pregnant). Couldn't he even do a registry office tiny wedding for you? Some men hate the idea of the faff of a big day. It is important to find out why he doesn't want it and explain why you do

HowardSpring · 26/04/2019 10:29

Marriage protects the woman and children LEGALLY. Marriage is a legal contract about property and assets. A woman who is not married has far fewer legal rights in the event of both a split and the death of her partner.

This is true but with the qualification that Both parties have fewer rights and fewer responsibilities in the event of a split. BUT women have been pushed into it for years without fully understanding that it is a set of legal agreements which involve both rights and responsibilities.

My cousin, (30), married a man who had 3 DC. She was relatively well off - own house, inheritance gained in her twenties from GP, good job. She was delighted with a huge wedding - sense of pride, of having been "chosen"/"he must really love me" bollocks.

Five years on and he has a serious illness, (he was 15 years older), and whilst trying to sort things out when he is in hospital she discovers he is actually deeply in debt and has actually willed his half of all their assets to his kids.

The divorce was expensive. She was sold a myth about weak women needing protection - and she got screwed over.

Motoko · 26/04/2019 10:30

True that it protects the weaker party, but that is still, in 2019, the woman.

Gah, I meant to say, in 2019, women are still in the majority, the weaker party.

To those saying that wills can be written to provide for the other person, the partner could change their will without the other's knowledge, so it's not set in stone.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 10:31

@ dork - that depends on the level of the assets, for most estates in Scotland and England it will all go to the spouse. Above a certain level it’s complex and different in Scotland and England.

Also a lot of assets such as life insurance and property pass outside the estate to the surviving spouse depending on the title. So best to make a will.

SlappingJoffrey · 26/04/2019 10:31

Not necessarily more rights than you dorklington, but different ones. For example you've got more testamentary freedom than a married person, and you have the right to end your relationship without having to go through a legal process to do it. Whether these rights are more important than the ones you get with marriage depends where you're standing. But that's just the nature of contracts really, and marriage is no exception. CP too.

Treesthemovie · 26/04/2019 10:31

Sorry OP that was slightly off topic but I really find that these questions turn into a big thing about how every woman should be married by some posters.
It's really up to you, you've got a right to be upset if he's misled you, but it sounds like it might be you that's changed your mind? If it's something he doesn't feel strongly about you might be able to convince him, but it's unfair to push someone into a marriage they really don't want. You can always leave the relationship and find a man who's looking for marriage if you feel like this is a really fundamental difference in your values.

BossAssBitch · 26/04/2019 10:33

*endofthelinefinally"

Moonbea, you can get married in a registry office with no religious associaion whatsoever

Or by a lake surrounded by mountains with no mention of god or any of that nonsense like I did.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 10:33

@ dork just to be clear your scenario is completely untrue, that is not what happens on intestacy in any uk jurisdiction.

HowardSpring · 26/04/2019 10:36

We should be teaching our DDs how NOT to be the weaker party in a relationship - not teaching them that they are the weaker party and so should harness themselves to amn for protection!!

HowardSpring · 26/04/2019 10:37

sorry - harness themselves to a man Blush

Treesthemovie · 26/04/2019 10:38

To all the marriage zealots - everyone is aware you can get married.
Still, not everyone wants to.
Shock

HowardSpring · 26/04/2019 10:40

snoutandab0ut - exactly.

Treesthemovie · 26/04/2019 10:40

Exactly HowardSpring. There are loads of fulfilling ways a woman can live her life, not all of them being involved a legally binding union to a man.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 10:43

Agree @ howard. I would like to see a system of child maintenance that more fairly reflects the sacrifices the RP (usually the mother) makes to bring up children. Also to have a workplace that reflects women’s experiences as much as men.

Then I think we would have no need for this outdated concept of marriage.

Some people need to get married for money though as they won’t be able to make their own. But I don’t agree with this “marry well” mentality. I am a feminist.

Dorklingtons · 26/04/2019 10:44

Zsa- Sorry! Just what I'd heard, should've checked before posting. Was wrong about the life thing. But I think it is true though that not all the assets go to to spouse. Above a certain threshold 50pc goes to the children, at least in E&W. But agree that will is the safest way forward in any case. Intestacy laws are different whether or not you are married so if the laws don't work for whatever situation you're in (married on not), then you would want one anyway.

YouJustDoYou · 26/04/2019 10:44

@just- what? How does changing your name to your dh mean you have the same surname as your children? How does that follow? Also how is it easier?

Because I changed my name to his? So now we all have the same. We travel a lot for his work so it's just easier when going through border control lol.

HowardSpring · 26/04/2019 10:45

zsazsajuju - agree about the workplace reforms that are needed. I did lose out when my kids were young as I had to curtail my career, (involved a lot of travel). BUT I was able to recover that in later years.

YouJustDoYou · 26/04/2019 10:46

But I don’t agree with this “marry well” mentality. I am a feminist

I believe women make the choices they deem to be the right ones at the time, for whatever reason. What I don't believe is right is other women telling them they're wrong just because it doesn't fit in with how they feel women should be and act and do.