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AIBU?

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Original poster

Father of my children does not want to marry me!

650 replies

Jessil91 · 26/04/2019 00:55

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 26/04/2019 09:51

WhyTho

You are not in the UK presumably?
The law is not the same in all countries.
The OP needs advice based on the law where she and her family live.
Its great the law where you live is different, but it isn't helpful to the OP.

SunshineCake · 26/04/2019 09:51

I'm embarrassed at the stupidity of people who say that marriage is not that important to them. What, it's not important to have legal protections should things end? Same people who say it's just a piece of paper. It's a very valuable piece of paper…

BillyGoatGruff007 · 26/04/2019 09:52

I despair reading some of the replies here.
Outdated; Religious; Antifeminist.
Marriage is a legal contract between two individuals. Nothing more, nothing less.
Until the Civil Partnership becomes law, it is the best legal protection there is for those who want to lives their lives together as a couple and merge their respective assets.
If couples choose not to merge their assets, then marriage isn't necessary.

WhyTho · 26/04/2019 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/04/2019 09:53

My boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage either, he's not religious and he believes that marriage is such a big religious union he doesn't want to be apart of something like that.

That’s what Register Office weddings are for. Isn’t it funny how the majority of the time it’s the men who ‘don’t believe’ in marriage?

higgyhog · 26/04/2019 09:54

I find it hard to understand how people move in together, stay together 10 years and have children without any proper discussion about marriage. The protection that marriage brings for women who have children and are not in the workplace alone would surely bring about some discussion. of course if there is no discussion about marriage there will also be no discussion about possibly putting in place other arrangements that will protect the welfare of the children and the financial situation for their main carer.

BaronessBomburst · 26/04/2019 09:59

If an unmarried partner dies, how come his/ her family inherit as next of kin, and not the children?
I'm not in the UK either. Here, the children have claim to the estate, although under 18s are exempted from inheriting debt.

Mominatrix · 26/04/2019 10:02

Would the people against marriage enter a business arrangement without anything in writing? I don't think so. Marriage is fundamentally nothing more than a business arrangement - it has always been.

GoldenBlue · 26/04/2019 10:03

@BaronessBomburst in the uk the partner wouldn't inherit unless there was a will. If they own a property jointly they would inherit that but nothing otherwise. The children would inherit all.

DeputyDawg69 · 26/04/2019 10:06

I'm embarrassed at the stupidity of people who say that marriage is not that important to them. What, it's not important to have legal protections should things end? Same people who say it's just a piece of paper. It's a very valuable piece of paper…

This with knobs on. If you are not married and your partner dies you are basically up sh!t creak without a paddle.

I know quite a few women who are not married to their partners. One just broke up and she is entitled to nothing and the other one will get nothing if anything happens to her partner. Both are in very high earning jobs. I am married and if my relationship ends for whatever reason, there are wills in place, all assets in joint names and emergency bank accounts to tide the other one over whilst legal stuff is settled.

Saying marriage is just a piece of paper is like saying don't worry about giving me the deeds to my house or don't worry about giving me a contract at work except its more ludicrous.

BaronessBomburst · 26/04/2019 10:08

So why are people saying that the surviving partners are left with nothing? If the children inherit the property/car/ money the family won't become homeless.

Still a mess though, and could leave the mother at the mercy of a stroppy 18 yr old.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 10:10

The name change thing is nuts - why are women still changing their name on marriage? It’s 2019! Keep your name. If it’s so awful then change it to something you want not to someone else’s name. If you want a family name - why not get your dh to change his to yours or pick a whole new one.

Getting married is not a great achievement!

YouJustDoYou · 26/04/2019 10:11

That’s what Register Office weddings are for. Isn’t it funny how the majority of the time it’s the men who ‘don’t believe’ in marriage?

Yup. This.

So many times, you see the man saying "Oh, I don't believe in marriage, it's just a piece of paper", blah blah blah. But lo and behold he goes and meets someone new, and theyre married within a yeat whilst the old girlfriend is now forgotten.

If they don't want to marry, it's because they don't want to commit to YOU, it's not about marriage at all.

YouJustDoYou · 26/04/2019 10:12

The name change thing is nuts - why are women still changing their name on marriage? It’s 2019! Keep your name

Because personally it's easier having the same surname as the children.

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 10:15

And marriage does not “protect women and children”. It protects the financially weaker party in the marriage. In many cases that’s not the women. In my case my financial security would have been jeopardised by getting married.

So it’s not for everyone.

Motoko · 26/04/2019 10:16

of course if there is no discussion about marriage there will also be no discussion about possibly putting in place other arrangements that will protect the welfare of the children and the financial situation for their main carer.

Exactly this.

Plus, it's a lot more expensive to put protections in place legally, than a simple register office wedding with 2 witnesses taken from off the street. And you can't do anything about the inheritance tax.

So many people are really ignorant about this, and it comes as a nasty shock when they split up, or their partner dies.

snoutandab0ut · 26/04/2019 10:17

Why don’t more fathers change their names to the mother’s then, YouDo?

In answer to the above question, no, I wouldn’t enter into a business arrangement without a thorough contract. But marriage is not a contract I want to be bound to, as I’ve explained in detail. I would utilise other means of protection like a will and agreement around house ownership. Beyond that I don’t want to merge assets.

lhw92 · 26/04/2019 10:17

@whytho where are you from

zsazsajuju · 26/04/2019 10:18

@just - what? How does changing your name to your dh mean you have the same surname as your children? How does that follow? Also how is it easier?

My children are double barrelled, I am not. Makes absolutely no difference at all and I have never had any difficulty at all or even queries about it.

DeputyDawg69 · 26/04/2019 10:19

What if they don't have DC? His mum and dad will get it all. What if they have stepDC? It will be split. At the very most if you have 2 DC that inherit it all you can live in the house until they come of age. Then what?

Its a massive mess and a minefield through probate. The process should be that the spouse inherits, then passes it onto the children when they pass away or if there is divorce things are split. If you are not married and don't have safeguards in place, you are not entitled to anything of your partners.

Missingstreetlife · 26/04/2019 10:20

Op I wouldn't push the romantic or having a big day side of it. There are valid reasons for not wanting the state involved in you relationship but it does have some financial and other benefits.
Do some research and make a list. Tell him you must see a solicitor and make wills, power of attorney, declaration about next of kin, so that you will be in a similar position. There are plenty of horror stories about ppl dying and not being able to arrange things, parents taking assets the deceased would have left for partner and dc.
If he can't see the benefit of this then you've got some thinking to do.

NameChangeNugget · 26/04/2019 10:21

And marriage does not “protect women and children”. It protects the financially weaker party in the marriage

Great point

LannieDuck · 26/04/2019 10:21

Two separate issues, OP. One is the emotional upset - you feeling rejection from your long term partner, and one is the legal upset - you need to be very clear about this one very quickly. What's your financial situation? House / job etc?

Motoko · 26/04/2019 10:21

It protects the financially weaker party in the marriage. In many cases that’s not the women.

True that it protects the weaker party, but that is still, in 2019, the woman. You are one of the few women who it would be detrimental to, but you need to understand that you are in the minority.

DeputyDawg69 · 26/04/2019 10:22

zsaz

I can see that it doesn't benefit you financially but do you have DC? What if you snuffed it? Your DP would be up the creek without a paddle and have difficulty taking care of your DC financially. Don't you think it is only fair to do this. Imagine if all men took this stance?