Father of my children does not want to marry me!

[Jessil91]

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

because as long as women obediently go along with the societally prescribed rules

Thats what you want us to do though, just different rules.

So were either being told what to do by men, or were being told what to do by women who look down on us.

Both as bad as each other tbh!

Also realistically what difference does it make to my children whos name they take?

Like what real life difference?

OP tell him yes that is what you really want and get him to commit to a date for your wedding.
If you want a white dress etc then go for it. You'll only get one chance at this so get on with it.
Show him you can be as opinionated as he can.

I wouldn't take my husband's name now, I also wouldn't have married in a church, been "given away" or said the vows I did. All things I did at 23 to do things the "proper" way, very naive and immature. My only regret from marrying young really, thankfully I married a good man!

I've grown up now, realise how the world works although not actively looking to change anything to rectify it. I married young before my career was established so thankfully my married name has become my professional name. It makes me kind of sad though as my surname was actually my grandmother's as my dad was illegitimate, but 10 years down the line with 2 children already named and the absolute palaver of changing names (and they're both long names) I can't bring myself to change it.

I would still marry though, from my understanding there just isn't the same level of legal protection in other relationships, not even civil partnerships?

Nope. I would like all women to think more carefully and reflect at greater length before making these decisions

I have thought carefully. Are you insinuating that those of us who decide to change our names dont think?

I have huge respect for the women who come on these threads and say "do you know what, I just did it because it was expected, but I'd do it differently now

But you have no respect for people who changed their name and are still happy that they did?

Who are honest that they just did it because it's what almost everyone else does, not for spurious reasons

So youre saying people who have reasons other than that are lying?

You've repeatedly said that women shouldn't object to changing their names on marriage because their name is "not really theirs, but their father's". So if they had their mother's name, that wouldn't apply, would it?

I havent said that at all. I said they should have a choice. Which they have. Well if they have their mothers name its their mothers name. So if you have either parents name its their name that theyve passed to you. Same thing but well done on ignoring that question again.

And here are some of the tangible advantages I've had from not changing my name:

- can still be found and remembered by school and university friends, old colleagues etc.

I personally dont care about old friends from school and the people i care about know me by my married name anyway.

- consistent professional record all in my name doesnt make a difference to me either. People are quick to learn when you change your email signature.

- no financial or time resources to be spent on changing name on bank account, passport etc. fair enough though it costs nothing to change your bank accounts and passports just get done on renewal surely?

- retain the link to my ethnic heritage, my husband has a very ordinary white British name which is not my family background

This does not apply to me. But i can see why its important to you.

- if my marriage, professional achievements or even death are reported in the paper, people know it's me as I am not "Mrs Husbandname

Again everyone i would want to know would know me by my married name anyway.

With all due respect all these reasons are personal to you. Which is great. You made a decision youre happy with and that's fine.

I dont feel changing my name puts me at disadvantage in any way including all your reasons.

None of these reasons relate the "the greater good" mentioned previously (though i appreciate that wasnt you)

I changed my name. My mother changed my name to my stepfather’s when I was a child and don’t have a good relationship with them, so joining the wider family bearing my husband’s name was a positive for me. I understand the history of changing names, but it’s not something I feel strongly apart in an age when the majority of people are free to choose their partners independent of their parents. I was happy to change my name, and would do it again.

About*

I have thought carefully. Are you insinuating that those of us who decide to change our names dont think?

Not all. The majority don’t appear to (based on discussions with my own friends, family and colleagues. The vast majority - 90%? - just did it without thinking about it at all. Which is truly staggering to me.)

One recently commented that she wishes she’d thought about it. She’s stuck with her cheating ex-husband’s name now because she’s been published as part of her PhD In that name. Another is mourning her family name following the death of both parents. She feels less connection to her husband’s family’s name now and is feeling quite uncomfortable using it.

But tarring everyone who changes their name with the same brush is unhelpful and judgemental.

I didn’t.

But everyone who changes their name, thoughtfully or not, contributes a drop to the misogyny bucket. Which is already overflowing.

I am torn. Changed my name and like that we a family and all of us a gang with same name. Don’t like that I have same name as my deadly dull in laws dh is a fantastic person but his family are not but am stuck with their name. My own family name and family far more interesting and dynamic.

But everyone who changes their name, thoughtfully or not, contributes a drop to the misogyny bucket. Which is already overflowing

I inherently disagree.

I chose not to change my name as I’m the last in my line but what that has to do with misogyny defeats me. I use my dad’s name, not my husband’s, no difference really.

As I said before “it’s only one plastic straw. Said 8 billion people.”

" just did it without thinking about it at all. Which is truly staggering to me.)"

Because it isn't as important to some people as it is to you? Some people just don't feel as strongly about it. Maybe couples should just pick a new family name when they get married. Would that please you?

I use my dad’s name, not my husband’s, no difference really.

IT’S YOUR NAME.

Unless you think only men ever truly own their names and women are only borrowing them.

Because it isn't as important to some people as it is to you? Some people just don't feel as strongly about it.

If you read on, you’ll see that they do feel strongly about it now though. It’s not okay for people to just do things without thinking, surely?

Maybe couples should just pick a new family name when they get married. Would that please you?

I think that’s a brilliant idea. I suggested it to DH when we were discussing both of our names. We couldn’t agree on a new name, so kept our own.

It’s my family name, just as my husband’s would be. I simply don’t see the difference.

For most women theyre choosing between their fathers name or their FILs name. So both support misogyny if thats your way of thinking no?