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Original poster

Father of my children does not want to marry me!

650 replies

Jessil91 · 26/04/2019 00:55

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

OP posts:
TapasForTwo · 27/04/2019 18:40

"Changing your name to your husband's when you get married, and/or giving your children your husband's name instead of your own, are actions that support the long-term traditions of patriarchy and reinforce the idea that women are less important, less individual, less powerful, and less strong than men."

Or some women might just prefer their husband's surname to the one they already had? Or, you are just overthinking it and being patronising and belittling other women for the choices they make?

Why does it bother you so much? I don't care whether women change their surnames on marriage or not. DD has already said that she likes her surname and won't change it. I am happy with that. I would also be equally happy if she chooses to take her husband's surname if she wanted to.

Teateaandmoretea · 27/04/2019 18:43

They are not feminist choices.

Oh bog off dear.

To me it is not feminist to replace the patriarchy with another set of 'rules' for women via feminism. Women should be empowered to do what they want not what another group expects of them.

The problem with MN 'feminism' is that it becomes competitive and purist, a bit like breastfeeding. Women will not win their battles by pissing off, alienating and telling others what to do.

You can stick your 'non feminist' choices where the sun don't shine frankly.

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/04/2019 18:44

Im not posting shit. Im posting my opinion, just like you are.

Teateaandmoretea · 27/04/2019 18:44

I don't care whether women change their surnames on marriage or not. DD has already said that she likes her surname and won't change it. I am happy with that. I would also be equally happy if she chooses to take her husband's surname if she wanted to.

Neither does anyone real, its about choice and that's it with no group (either male or female) dictating to women

HarryElephante · 27/04/2019 18:46

Trust me when I say when a man says he doesn't want to marry, it means he doesn't want to marry you

This is so patently untrue.

MoreSlidingDoors · 27/04/2019 18:50

Or some women might just prefer their husband's surname to the one they already had?

Funny how their brothers and male cousins never prefer their wives’ names though, isn’t it?

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/04/2019 18:51

Then start getting on at men to consider it. Not taking away womens choice.

Teateaandmoretea · 27/04/2019 18:55

Exactly plant but it's easier to just have a go at women isn't it in the name of 'feminism'

TapasForTwo · 27/04/2019 18:56

To me it is not feminist to replace the patriarchy with another set of 'rules' for women via feminism. Women should be empowered to do what they want not what another group expects of them. The problem with MN 'feminism' is that it becomes competitive and purist, a bit like breastfeeding. Women will not win their battles by pissing off, alienating and telling others what to do.

Very well said. And this is the reason I avoid the feminist boards on MN.

Penguincake · 27/04/2019 18:56

@Kennehora It is different because the male line in his family always get to keep the same name. Women who join the family or marry outside the family do not. Therefore I see it as my husbands male line name.

SlappingJoffrey · 27/04/2019 18:57

This reply has been deleted

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TapasForTwo · 27/04/2019 18:57

I agree that more men should feel free to take on a woman's surname if they wish to.

hsegfiugseskufh · 27/04/2019 19:00

No joffrey im still just posting my opinion.

You dont agree with it and youve tried everything to put me back in my place. You know in my little box where the thickos live.

Id rather be thick than condescending and judgemental.

To me a big part of feminism is women supporting other women. Not putting them down and making out they are stupid because they do not agree with you.

Mia83 · 27/04/2019 19:09

Civil partnerships will be available for heterosexual couples on the 26th May so will register then. Are you absolutely sure about that? That is the day that the legislation comes into force but the legislation doesn't create opposite sex civil partnerships, it just gives the Minister the power to put all the rules in place to create them. That power has to be exercised by the end of the year. I'd be surprised if it was all in place on the day the legislation comes into force but may be wrong on that.

Teateaandmoretea · 27/04/2019 19:13

You dont agree with it and youve tried everything to put me back in my place. You know in my little box where the thickos live.

Interestingly it feels like real old fashioned misogyny. Put the silly little woman back in her box.....

TriciaH87 · 27/04/2019 19:32

I completely get it. Been with my partner 10 years also have two children. One together and thought we would have been married years ago but still waiting on a ring. He always said he wanted a short engagement so I thought would be a couple years in but nothing. His brother recently got married after 5 years so his mum keeps asking about when it's happening. I think I've lost all hope if I'm honest. It's not about the piece of paper to me either but about stability plus I had a cancer scare last year and worry if I died my eldest who's 12 would be forced to go live with the father who has not bothered in 7 years but if we were married my partner stands a better chance in court at getting custody. I often wonder what time limit do I put on it and keep telling my self its this year or I walk away but never do, my partner used to talk about it and said once we buy a house well we did that last year. Now he never mentions it unless his had a few to drink and mentions oh that can be our first dance. Then I point out he would need to ask first to which I get it's only happening if I ask him. I have waited 10 sodding years he should have an epic proposal idea by now. Not remotely bothered by the ring n the registry office is fine by me but I feel its his job to ask after so long. His mums been divorced twice so maybe that's part of it as we met young. I suggest you talk to him about why it's important to you. Point out if it's truly just about the commitment you could just go to a registry office you him and 2 witnesses along with your children.

MoreSlidingDoors · 27/04/2019 19:37

I have waited 10 sodding years he should have an epic proposal idea by now. Not remotely bothered by the ring n the registry office is fine by me but I feel its his job to ask after so long.

It’s 2019. If you want to get married, ask him.

Motoko · 27/04/2019 20:43

Honestly @TriciaH87, if he says it's not happening unless you ask him, and you want to be married, then bloody well ask him! Don't be an idiot.

And then, if you ask him and he says no, or starts putting obstacles in the way, then leave him, like you've been telling yourself to do.

Phineyj · 27/04/2019 21:35

I do know one man who took his wife's surname on marriage, but that's one among hundreds of women who did so. It may feel like a 'free choice' but it's certainly one made in a particular social context.

OP. It may have been mentioned already but Citizens' Advice have a clear leaflet explaining the issues that marriage covers. Does your DP actually understand the ramifications of pensions, wills, estate planning, custody of children, access to bank accounts, healthcare consent etc? I find a lot of people don't.

MsTSwift · 27/04/2019 21:58

Tricia I know it’s depressing but to give you peace of mind you could do a will appointing your chosen guardian and a letter of wishes alongside it explaining why you think the appointment of your chosen guardian is in your child’s best interest rather than him going to a father he never sees. The presumption is a child goes to the other parent but you can try to rebut this x

Penguincake · 28/04/2019 08:27

Trust me when I say when a man says he doesn't want to marry, it means he doesn't want to marry you

^ This 100%

crispysausagerolls · 28/04/2019 08:36

Tricia

I have a friend in exactly your position - and I don’t understand why she doesn’t just ask him. I think it’s because she knows he will come up with a reason why not if she does, and she will have to accept it’s never going to happen.

I don’t want to be harsh but I think the whole “if you ask me” is a clever ploy because the men think that means it will never happen. So I would ask him.

SlappingJoffrey · 28/04/2019 10:08

No joffrey im still just posting my opinion.

This is demonstrably false. You have posted some things that were not a matter of opinion, such as your denial of what you said. It's a fact that you referred to your name as your dad's and husbands names as their own. You can't have your own facts. You're stuck with these ones.

To me a big part of feminism is women supporting other women. Not putting them down and making out they are stupid because they do not agree with you.

That's nice, but notice I haven't actually mentioned being a feminist. For all you know I'm simply a stickler for inaccuracy and double standards. So you're lecturing someone who you don't know is a feminist or not, about the best way to practice an ideology you have told us several times you don't want to subscribe to. It's quite odd.

TheweewitchRoz · 28/04/2019 12:45

Completely agree @Penguincake - sadly I've had 2 different friends in long (c 10 year) relationships with men who didn't want to marry / agree with marriage and then both married within 18 months of splitting with my friends. Horrible watching that happen, knowing your friend is getting shafted.

Kennehora · 28/04/2019 13:20

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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