Father of my children does not want to marry me!

[Jessil91]

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

Bollocks that CPs are homophobic. They are the opposite.

Of course CPs have homophobic roots! They were brought in specifically to make it clear that same-sex couples aren't "good enough" for marriage.

But you would consider it actively homophobic to use a new legal instrument that you prefer to the old one due to its more equal treatment of the two parties signing it?

I don't think they do treat the two parties more equally than marriage, though? As far as I'm aware, civil partnerships don't automatically cover pension rights (although I'm happy to be corrected on that), which you could argue is discriminatory to the lower-earning partner.

OP, good for you for being so upfront with your partner. That can actually be a pretty nerve-wracking thing to do in this context, because you risk getting unpalatable answers to your questions. I would go ahead with the two-witness registry office wedding.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but I don't see the necessity of marriage these days. Yes it's nice if it's what you both want but it's not necessary , you can have security without a wedding. I've been with my OH for 18 years this year , 3 kids , mortgage but not married , don't really have an intentions of doing so because I hate the idea of a fuss , the cost is unreal even low key can be a lot and to me we are committed without a certificate to say so.

Choice is choice is choice. If you can't get that I feel for you !

Choice is a luxury. It comes with responsibility. If you can’t get that I feel for you.

Even if you’ve made a will, there’s would be nothing to stop your partner secretly going off and making a new will that cuts you out. Same with life insurance, etc - they could change the name of the beneficiary on the policy and leave you with nothing.

Also worth considering that you wouldn’t be entitled to widows pension, etc. Yeah we all think it’ll never happen to us but it does for some people. My friend’s husband suddenly died at age 29, she was grateful they had got married so she was protected.

glasshalf, you can get married for less than £100 in a lot of areas. The cost is not "unreal".

glasshalf

Your reasons for not getting married are flawed, which if you'd read the thread, you'd realise.

Getting married does NOT have to cost a lot of money.
You will not be entitled to bereavement allowances.
If your partner's estate is over a certain amount, there will be inheritance tax to pay, which if you were married, would not happen.

Just some of the reasons why it's better to be married.

Well done OP

• now brace yourself for 500 comments from people who haven't RTFT!

@glasshalf

I've just looked up the cost in my area, for a simple wedding at the registry office. It's in total £81.

Hardly "unreal".

I'm old fashioned, but as far as I can see a lot of people do their lives the wrong way round. Marriage before children. I think the marriage is more important than the wedding to be honest.

@Motoko maybe it isn't for you - depends what is important .

Get some financial security in your life. Get advice from a consultant otherwise, you and your children are at risk.

Well then, contact the register office, and ask when the first available date to have a CP is. Don't leave it until the end of May before contacting them, if they're going to be available then, they'll already be taking bookings now.

I agree. If your partner is resistant to booking it for May, OP, I'd be worried he's fobbing you off.

Its small minded to assume that people who want to tale their dhs name are sexist, thick or being pressured.

Yes some choices in life are better than others but realistically someone choosing their own surname doenst affect anyone else. So whilst it may turn out to be a bad choice for them personally, it doesnt matter to anyone else.

Also taking their dhs name might be a good choice for someone. Its not for you to decide whats a good or bad choice in someone else deciding their own name.

By taking my husbands name I was simply swapping the name of one man (my father) for another (my husband). Maybe I should have called myself Ms X?

Motoko maybe it isn't for you - depends what is important .

@glasshalf eh? What isn't for me?

You swapped your own name for your father in law's.

Eh? Youve done your own double standards there....

Ah back to being condescending and trying to belittle other women now?

Very feminist.

I'm genuinely devastated not to have the good opinion of someone who doesn't realise that if they don't want to be condescended to, they should stop posting shit.