Father of my children does not want to marry me!

[Jessil91]

So my BF of almost ten years who I live with and have two lovely children with does not believe in marriage. This wasn’t made clear to me til a few a days ago when we were for talking about it ( I just kind of assumed we would get married at some point given circumstances). I’ve never been a massive marriage advocate per se but I can’t help but feel really depressed and down about it, like he doesn’t want me or take our relationship seriously. I know that may sound silly since we have children together but I can’t help how I feel. There’s this feeling of rejection, like the man I love doesn’t love me enough to marry me. I communicated this with him and he turned round and said that his not believing in marriage is not personal and that he felt a little offended because I seemed more bothered about marriage then just being with him. But that’s not the case, I just believe in marriage and what it stands for and I want to legalise our relationship. I must add that he’s a great Dad and we have a healthy relationship otherwise.

Am I being stupid??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated !!

I can’t believe how naive you are.

Yeah, that thing.

So you are engaged now then op?

When are you booking the wedding?

I hate to be the harbinger of doom but it all sounds a little like him paying you lip service but I am quite happy to eat my words when you prove me wrong and get married next month.

I still believe he doesn’t want to get married to you. I don’t believe that’s a slight on you in anyway but I don’t think he wants get married to you for whatever reasons.

Using your children as pawns of emotional blackmail to coax your partner into marriage is one of the most stupid and irresponsible things I’ve heard in a long time. Please don’t bring your children into this.

Pawns of emotional blackmail?

Exaggerate much?

I presume the children are entitled to an opinion on their own family even if the father doesn't heed it.

This thread is so dumb. So many bullies on here who jump on other people's valid opinions. Which the op asked for - opinions that is.

When I was 14 my parents went as far as a decree nisi. My mother didn't involve me at all but i wrote to my father asking him to consider the effect on our whole family.

They didn't divorce and 15 years later my father told me that my letter had made him break down and realise that it wasn't just about him, and after a temporary marital issue, he was so grateful that I had done it as he realised we cared about keeping him in the family. He tells me time and again he is so happy and my mum is an excellent wife. They've just celebrated 40 years.

But I guess people want to tell me what an idiot I am for emotional blackmail.

Whatever.

Sounds like progress Op - are you going to book the registry office now and get it sorted?

He likes the idea of a civil partnership over a marriage

Sounds like a fair compromise then? And later he can have his party if he organises it?

I hate to be the harbinger of doom but it all sounds a little like him paying you lip service but I am quite happy to eat my words when you prove me wrong and get married next month.

That's the feeling I'm getting too. OP I think you need to get him down to the registry office asap. Nail him down to a date. If he starts putting up barriers, you know he's been lying to you.

The thing is, he could be in an accident, or suddenly fall really ill at any time. There are plenty of women who were widowed in their 20s/30s/40s, life (and death) is unpredictable. I was 49 when I suddenly ended up in A&E with kidney failure, and was diagnosed with terminal cancer, yet I'd been fit and healthy up until then (or at least, I'd felt fit and healthy). I rarely ever even caught so much as a cold. So if he is going to marry you, it needs to happen soon.

Also, how is a CP different to getting married, when he wants all the trappings of a wedding?

I see it from your point of view but then I guess it difficult to get the full picture on just mumsnet. My partner isn’t the sort to just tell a person what they want to hear. He’s extremely opinionated and just says it as it is. Like if he didn’t want to be with me, then he would just leave.

Also, marriage doesn’t hold the same meaning to some people as others. My parents didn’t marry until I was 14 and are the strongest couple I know. I have plenty of relatives that have children together and are marriage and have no plans to do so. My family aren’t massive marriage advocates which is probably why I wasn’t so adamant on marriage before having children together. Some people’s parents would be all for marriage if their daughter fell pregnant because they see it as security. My parents were adamant that I made sure he was on the birth certificate, had a joint mortgage of which we both went into 50% and made sure we had a will. That’s just how some people are. So not being married and having children is not seen as a big deal in my family as long you’ve taken the Necessary measures to secure yourself. And I think that mentality is becoming a lot more common in the UK, I think my partner is just one of those people.

Civil partnerships will be available for heterosexual couples on the 26th May so will register then.

He likes the idea of a civil partnership over a marriage

I'm not sure I see the difference between this and marriage, but if it gets past the block in his head, then go for it. You can always renew your vows later and have a party then.

in his heart of hearts, whilst he would hate for me to go through that, I’ve got balls of steel and would knock them out (lol) and he knows I’d be ok in the end.

But it would all be worth it in the end because you would have saved him the emotional trauma of paying £46 and legally recognising your relationship???

Not sure I quite understand what you mean merrymouse - would you mind elaborating a little further? Sorry if I being dense! Long night last night lol

Jesus op, you don't have to explain yourself. You've had a chat and agreed what suits both of you. That's brilliant news :)

Yeh good point!

Not sure I quite understand what you mean merrymouse - would you mind elaborating a little further? Sorry if I being dense!

I think she meant that that just puts extra burden on you to fight them at a time when you would likely be exhausted and vulnerable when a little forethought could have prevented that. I have to agree it did come across as a bit selfish on his behalf.

Civil partnership as soon as it comes in sounds like a great and very suitable idea OP.

@Jessil91 I think you have handled this very well. I hope you book the registry office soon and enjoy arranging the ceremony. Good luck!

Merrymouse is saying that he is putting his discomfort (+£46 the cost of a CP) at the idea of being marriage/civil partnership over the potential massive discomfort and hassle that you would be dealing with if he died/was seriously injured/left you.

Sounds like a good result OP.

In terms of namechanging I really dislike being told what to do by either men or 'feminists' (in '*' because to me feminism is about choice) and anyone who tells me what to call myself can jog on frankly.

Sorry not to be clear - I realise he has agreed to civil partnership now, but his reasoning on this point seemed very selfish.

He doesn’t seem to be able to explain why he wouldn’t want to be married, but is happy to contemplate you dealing with a very traumatic situation (while presumably supporting your children) because you will be ‘alright in the end’.

Yes - what trending and spartacus said.

@Jessil91

He said he just doesn’t really care either way.
If that's really true, he's agreeing to the two of you formalising the relationship with marriage (vs the big expensive white wedding day).

Just on the basis that as far as he’s concerned we are protected financially, although he does see my point about just getting it done in one contract and it being more straight forward, he’s still not overly bothered.
Someone will correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think you are currently covered for issues to do with next of kin. Unless he's made a living will/Enduring power of attorney? Am unsure there also. Eg representing another person with HCPs regarding medical issues and treatments, shutting off life support, organ donation, funeral arrangements etc

The stuff about his awful family caused some alarm but he said in his heart of hearts, whilst he would hate for me to go through that, I’ve got balls of steel and would knock them out (lol) and he knows I’d be ok in the end.
But why should you have to go through that when you'll already be worried, grieving and stressed, trying to do the right thing(s)?

But still, he recognised that it’s him with the awful family and on that basis, it’s really my call and if a civil partnership or marriage puts my mind at ease then we can do it.
Good. Book the date and time at the registry office for ASAP date. Keep it very small and informal and tell as few people as possible until you've got married

In short, he’s happy to just go the registry office with two witnesses and get it done and have party later on if we want to. He likes the idea of a civil partnership over a marriage
As above. I think The legislation for opposite sex civil party comes into effect on 26 May 2019, having been passed in March.

Good that you were both able to have a constructive conversation around this OP. Action is now needed. Good luck! 🌹

He doesn’t seem to be able to explain why he wouldn’t want to be married, but is happy to contemplate you dealing with a very traumatic situation (while presumably supporting your children) because you will be ‘alright in the end’

A topic for an entirely new thread I suspect, but I also have 'balls of steel' but it does 'boil my piss' when people assume that this means I don't mind fighting. I had an upbringing that included 'you are tough and you can take it' and in my adult life I'm often singled out to get the short straw because I won't crumple and cry - but it does not mean that I don't suffer and/or that I want to always have to fight. That's why the OP's original comment and your response resonated with me and I so totally get what you were saying. I'm 'anti-marriage', but I'm all over 'pro-protection' (in my thinking that's financial independence mainly) and I think that civil partnerships are a fantastic start to this.

I judge that women who erase their own names and take men’s surnames do not want to make a feminist choice

Then I feel very sorry for you ZsuZsuJaja because you obviously felt you need to prove something. However I don't. I chose to take my husbands surname whilst in complete control of all mental faculties and more than aware of some small minded anti man connotations.

Choice is choice is choice. If you can't get that I feel for you !

Meanwhile .. back at the thread. I am pleased your DP is on board OP..

Well then, contact the register office, and ask when the first available date to have a CP is. Don't leave it until the end of May before contacting them, if they're going to be available then, they'll already be taking bookings now.