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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

partner keeping me a secret from ex

80 replies

actiontime · 25/04/2019 17:19

So to cut a long story short as the subject says im being kept a secret. Iv been with him for just over a year and im becomming suspicious recently, until the last month or so he didnt really get on with ex, he goes around there everyday after work to see his kids and on his days off he spends all day there with them. Me and him see each other but not much because hes always there or in work. Now i think its great he plays such an active role in his kids lives still BUT maybe im immature or insecure but when hes there im not allowed to text or call him and yesterday he was there from 11am - 10 pm and when he rang me when he got him he was drunk (he denied this but he could hardly talk) iv never brought anything up to him so he has no reason to lie and we dont talk about his ex . Its starting to feel like he has two lives.recently he talked about meeting my children and he wants to make it clear to my ex that im with him he also talks about me telling my family. Am i being unreasonable by expecting him to tell his ex hes with someone? I went on a facebook stalk last night and found out I am 25 years younger than this women and the is pictures of them together within the last year like bbqs and christmas etc and they are all sitting around having family meals etc. I dont even no what advice im looking for suppose im just looking for someone to tell me im being stupid and its normal but i feel like this is a red flag. How would it even work he meets my kids but i never meet his, we cant go out places together with, ,my kids because his cant come and they are the same age. Im going to cebeebies land in novemeber for two days and suggested if he gets along with the kids he can come but he said he cant because he would feel bad his own kids wasnt there. my sons birthday is july and im having a party at mine (hes 5) i suggested he comes because the will be lots of parents kids there so he can just blend but nope because hed feel bad over his kids not being at the party. Should i just cut my losses here? or is it possible to have a balance between previous kids and a new partner? Im only 29 and could possibly want more kids in the future but i feel like it would have to be a secret child so his ex didnt stop him seeing his kids. Im in two minds whether to message her on facebook.(I wont because of his kids but i hate myself for even the thought of it)

OP posts:

Original poster

actiontime · 25/04/2019 19:56

I dont want to tell his ex because she (without sounding like a bitch) shes like 25 years older and shes much much bigger than me and i think if it was the other way around id be devistated and shes no angel herself but i just couldnt do that

OP posts:

LavaLampLover · 25/04/2019 19:56

It's hard to always know what's normal and what isn't. And that's why it's great you've asked on here.

There's definitely something going on between him and his ex, and I would not introduce him to my kids, I would get an STD check, and block his number. After telling him you're not sorry, but it's him, not you. Well, maybe don't say that. But let him go. He's not worth holding onto.

InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 25/04/2019 20:00

That's lovely from you, but she isn't his ex... And as much as it hurts, I think she deserves to know he had a year long affair.

Original poster

actiontime · 25/04/2019 20:03

well i text him when i wrote on here about 5pm and still no reply so i think im just going to ignore him now its been 3 hours and im now convinced im not crazy and something is going on

OP posts:

Graphista · 25/04/2019 20:09

"or so he says i dont no maybe he doesnt even have any kids and everything is a lie. I have no proof either way iv never met them or even seen a picture of them" glad you're realising this he could well be completely full of it!

I'm from an army family and ex is army too, this is very common behaviour. Not all of them but the boundaries Re fidelity are often regarded very differently by army people.

"What goes on your stays on tour"

"When the cats away..." (Wives can be just as bad to be honest, again not all but it happens a lot)

"What they don't know they can't hit you with"

jpclarke · 25/04/2019 20:11

All sounds very fishy, I think you are doing the right thing, ignore him and move on with your life and concentrate on your own kids. You deserve much better than this.

ImNotNigel · 25/04/2019 20:23

I’m seriously impressed by his wife having babies at 47 and 49. That’s quite an achievement.

Smotheroffive · 25/04/2019 20:38

Why wouldn't you tell her?! Sorry, I didn't understand your reason.
You are protecting him and colluding with him if you don't out him for the bastard he has been to both of you.

It's time to look passed all the minutiae of their lives and do the right thing, the bigger thing. Out him, and stop protecting him.

Tell her once you realised he'd been lying about her all this time you ended it.

Witchtower · 25/04/2019 20:44

OP, his children he doesn’t see is that his choice or his ex’s?

Original poster

actiontime · 25/04/2019 20:48

appretely his exs hes always paid for them but he doesnt know where they are she moved away with them and someone else whilst he was away he came home and the house was empty but who knows

OP posts:

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 25/04/2019 20:55

I wouldn’t believe a word he says. The ‘my ex stopped the other kids dad’s from seeing them as soon as they started new relationships’ sounds like a way of making sure you you don’t text him when he’s there. He can’t risk his wife finding out about you, so he’s manipulated you into believing he’ll lose his children if you do text.

Smotheroffive · 25/04/2019 20:56

Yes indeed, who knows!

That is really extreme and difficult thing to do, to uproot house and home, with DC, to completely disappear. I don't think that happens without very very good reason .

It's the actions of someone who can't tell him it's over....for some reason

Gettingthroughthedays · 25/04/2019 21:19

I'm Surrey OP you sound like a lovely person and not immature at all. Has he made you feel that way because you are younger?

I have an ex I have children with and also a partner who has children to someone else and I promise you neither of us would think the current set up is reasonable. Infact, I'd go nuts. If they are genuinely split up it's not good for the kids either.

When I reconciled with my ex he didn't want his family to know we were back together (because he'd told them a lot of lies about me) but when another Khan was nterested in me, me telling him I wasn't interested wasn't enough and he wanted me to say I was back with him. No chance is what I said. Everyone knows our no one does. Ex for a reason!

You and your children deserve better.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 25/04/2019 22:56

I wouldn't believe a word he says!

He sounds like a right chancer, please do not introduce your children to this waste of space 😬

Original poster

actiontime · 26/04/2019 16:21

Just an update i ended it and told him why, he said he was willing to tell her and they are not together but he does admit he might of gave her the wrong impression to make his life easier but nothing has happened between them, but she does ask all the time if they would get back together and hes never directly said no to her .............. so i made it easy for him and told him to f off and iv been told today that hes moving back in with her (he changed his address back in work)

OP posts:

InTheHeatofLisbon · 26/04/2019 16:25

actiontime well done! How are you doing?

Smotheroffive · 26/04/2019 16:35

Oh my, action

Actions shout louder than words!!

I'm so glad you have salavaged yourself from his twisted life. You deserve so much more.

It's always amazing when someone posts a genuine dilemma, geta genuine support and transforms their life for the better as a result.

I really hope you meet the someone who is free to be be with you, and I hope you are ok?

Smotheroffive · 26/04/2019 16:36

I hope the ow gets to know what he's done to her.

OldUnit · 26/04/2019 16:37

If he's moved back in with her you have your answer.

outsho · 26/04/2019 16:45

Having adult children at 37 isn’t a red flag, it just means he had children when he was in his late teens. Normal, happens every single day.

The overwhelming red flag is his lack of contact with them. That and the fact he spends all of his time with his younger children and ex... It’s not a very usual set up. I agree with PP’s, they haven’t broken up. I see she cheated on him, she probably broke his heart and he’s still hanging onto her.

Just cut your losses, you have no ties to him and no reason to stick around. He’s so far from a catch, I don’t really know what you ever saw in him.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 26/04/2019 16:52

Well done actiontime you should be really proud of yourself. I hope you’re doing ok?

Graphista · 26/04/2019 16:55

Wow

Well I'm not surprised at what you've found out

But well done for dealing with this, be on your guard in future with any suspicions you have about a man.

We have gut instinct for a resin listen to it

Original poster

actiontime · 26/04/2019 17:01

im not too upset one of my frineds put it quite bluntly that the only diffrence to my life is now on my day off i have to find something else to do except for him , he never met my children and in reality didnt play a hugh part in my life. Im just so glad i came on here to ask because i still have no clue what is normal and what isnt. Luckly i wont have to see him either as i moved departments last month and iv changed my phone number today and he doesnt no my exact address because i was always worried he might just turn up so hopefully im out of the mess now

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 26/04/2019 17:07

Don't waste any more of your life on this person @actiontime.
In fact,as your title suggests,it IS time for action,removing him from your life so you can concentrate on you,your family and your future.it won't be plain sailing,but it will be for the best and you will be much happier with someone who wants to show the world his beautiful partner.

Motoko · 26/04/2019 19:02

Blimey, didn't take him long did it? He's using her as much as he was using you. Bet he's also on the lookout for another woman now too. You're well rid of him. Well done for sticking to your guns and not falling for his lies.

Onwards and upwards OP!

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